Cancer Support Thread 97: support for those diagnosed and going through treatment

[LiliJilliBobs]

Cancer support thread 97: support for those newly diagnosed and /or undergoing treatment…..
Thread 96 is pretty full - here’s a new one

I will post properly tomorrow- I’m shattered today and on my phone so short posts only today.

The new HD treatment sounds really positive @cannaecookrisottoI did read about it in the press recently.

I was thinking of going straight for the Santa hat, but DH did that cat bum face and went all The Grinch so I have (magnanimously I feel) agreed to wait until November. I may break that promise 😂

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news @DanFmDorkingbur Dune is a trilogy so there is like to be a third helping of sand worms and Timothy whatsisname staring pensively at sand dunes.

wishing everyone a good day today and hoping @ForestFlowerFairyisn’t in jail and that her radiotherapy has gone well this week 🌻

my last post is gibberish, sorry. This is why I don’t post from my phone if I can help it!

@cheshirecatsmile that's amazing news! So pleased for you.

Am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. Spending a fair bit of time reflecting (one of my DDs said the other day she'd been looking at photos of our 2024 summer holiday and thinking 'Mum had cancer and we didn't even know.') It's been a hard hard year but I'm still here. Lopsided boobs (more surgery in November) but planning our 2026 holiday, getting back to work, doing more exercise than I did before to try and get back to being only slightly unfit!

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.

@cheshirecatsmile that’s why I take my mother to appointments otherwise DH would have ended up buried under the patio at this point. Faffing isn’t the word.

Sounds like you’ve had a productive and positive day! (Barring the FNA biopsy, get some painkillers down you and some arnicare). I bruised to buggery and popped the codeine. Bloody lies on the NHS website that says “slight bruising and can be relieved with OTC meds”. Bollocks it can.

The CT, will that be looking at the lump they couldn’t biopsy today? For a definitive answer? How long have they said to watch and wait for? Wonder why they didn’t do a core biopsy. They couldn’t do a FNA on mine either and had to do core. Doesn’t look dodgy but doesn’t look normal isn’t very clear for you is it when you’re wanting answers. I’m a bit sensitive about this because they fobbed me off with watch and wait for 3 months and if they’d have investigated properly back in May I may not have been having such aggressive treatment. Or it might not have reached my nodes (which they can’t even decide now either).

Fingers crossed the CT gives you the answer either way so you can put it to bed if it’s a cyst and stop the worry for you ❤️. I hate ambiguity when it comes to my body, especially now!!

@Ventress your posts have given me the giggles, both the Santa and grinch hat, but the comment about Timothy whatsisname further staring pensively at sand dunes really got me 😂

@Poledra thanks for popping in with words of encouragement, it really helps. I can’t fooking wait to have these boobs cut off because it means my chemo will be over and done with and I’m on the home stretch with just radio and immuno left. But compared to chemo and surgery that will be a doddle hopefully.

Also looking forward to getting away. I’ve announced that once active treatment is over I’m booking a week away, just me. Nobody else. I’m going to need some time to reflect and think “WTF just happened?”.

So, I’ll be finding the poshest, most luxurious child-free Sandals resort in Barbados for this period of convalescence but it’s bloody happening!!!

@Ventress you have reminded me of the hat my friend gave me when I started chemo for the second time having just managed to grow back some curly hair. Think Tutti frutti hat from South Pacific. It amused me to wear it in to the chemo unit.
@cheshirecatsmile that’s fantastic news!

I would like to confirm, all official like that I have not been arrested, my Dad did leave today, driving himself home.

It's been a horrific week, honestly I cannot stress enough that anyone coming to help needs to be an actual help....my Dad, urgh. Sometimes I'm couldn't tell if I was taking pain relief to actually help pain or try and drown him out.

And today, to top of the shitty week of Dad our rescue dog bit me. No idea what happened, she just lunged and bit my hand, knuckles are bruised and she drew blood in my palm. It tipped me over the edge and I spent all morning crying.
Had a appointment with the radiotherapy nurse who got the doctor who prescribed antibiotics to be on the safe side, then sent me to a&e for a tetanus jab. We've just got home, I've been awake since 1:30am and I have no idea what to do about the dog.
Our trainer is coming tomorrow for an emergency appointment, we've said we won't make a decision on keeping her whilst tired and emotional.
For all we know the stress and tension if my Dad has got to her as well, my daughter visiting and leaving may have upset her - I don't know, I can't tell if I'm making excuses for her and she's really dangerous or if it's just a really shitty set of circumstances.
So that's me, Dad alive, dog bite and crying constantly
Fun!

I will however read all your updates soon and I truly hope you're all as well as you can be

Oh @ForestFlowerFairy I so sorry to read of your shitty, awful week. I'm glad your dad has gone home now. How is your hand today? You really didn't need that on top of everything else you are going through (stating the bleeding obvious).

You have made such an investment of time, energy and love into your puppy. As you've described before, s/he clearly has emotional problems which you've been working on these past months. Would the rehoming centre be able to help advise you too?

I'm no expert of course, but I'm sure s/he can feel the atmosphere in the household and could be reacting to this, on top of the existing problems they have, this may have culminated in the attack on you. Not that that is any way an excuse. I hope your trainer can help you today and that you reach a decision which is best for you and your dog.

I also hope that you have a relaxing, and very quiet, weekend.

Oh my goodness @TopOfTheCliff I have total hat envy! How wonderful - properly Carmen Miranda 😂I'm sure your presence on the chemo unit bought smiles to everyone's faces. I am now thinking perhaps I should do seasonally themed hats: so Halloween this month, Guy Fawkes or Armistice (poppies?) in November and then full Christmas through December. Perhaps I will be able to bring my own smiles to the chemo unit?

Thank you for your post @Poledra (I used to read the David Eddings books as a YA and I loved the Poledra character). So glad to hear of your recovery and best wishes for you surgery next month.

I think getting away for a break once our initial treatments are over is an excellent idea. @cannaecookrisotto to her gorgeous desert island. DS does his A Levels next year and we had been talking about going to Italy (Rome, Naples, Venice etc) once these were over as a sort of joint 50th for me and an end of school life for DS. Fingers crossed I will be well enough and DS, at 18, will still want to be seen in public with his parents!

Talking of DS - DH had a call from school yesterday as DS had thrown a table across the sixth form common room following an argument with a classmate. This is a total shock as he is not a violent lad at all. I have spoken again to DS and reminded him that I am very happy to organise some counselling for him, and also that he should talk to his friends, and lean on his family, for support. He is stressed about university applications and school work - he's a high achiever and aiming for top grades. This is a pressure he has put on himself. He has apologised to everyone at school and his teacher says they won't sanction him on this occasion.

I slept well again last night - 5 hours uninterrupted and then another 2 hours from 5 - 7am. Perhaps this is a sign that I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. I know that I am still very much in denial about my diagnosis. I haven't even told most of my friends - they just know that I have this undiagnosed lung condition. My parents think the chemo is clearing up the lung infection and that the breast lump is curable. I haven't dissuaded them on this idea. I feel fairly lousy about not being completely honest but I just don't think they can cope. These are people who have a sleepless night because they have a bank appointment to renew their ISAs!

Anyway, I hope my fellow travellers on this wanky journey have a good day

I hope everyone’s has a restful weekend, I have brain fog of a high degree. My dad took the kids out yesterday for the afternoon and I wanted to try and get some bits done but it’s like my body goes into rest mode once the kids are out of the way. I just can’t not sleep! 😴.

Feeling quite tired today too so it’s been a struggle managing the kids and feeling like my tank is half empty. I’m feeling quite a lot of guilt at not being able to do as much with them.

@TopOfTheCliff that hat is fabulous and I am deeply jealous of it 🍎!

@ForestFlowerFairy congrats on making it through without being arrested! Might I suggest slipping the pain relief into his coffee to put him to sleep for a few hours? 😬. You have my sympathies, there’s nothing worse than not having headspace for chit chat and then to have someone prattling on about shite - no. You poor woman.

Sorry to hear about rescue dog biting your hand, how are you today? How do it go with the trainer? I agree with you and Ventress, she could be reacting to the tension and stress and on top of that, your dad giving you even more stress, chances in routine etc.

I hope you’ve got something sorted but you have to do what’s right for you ❤️.

@Ventress how is things with DS now? I bet he popped like a pressure cooker. I’m not violent either but I’ve felt like throwing some tables the past month or so ❤️.

Good sleep does make a difference for sure, and I do think that could well be a sign of emotional and physical improvement 😃. I hear you on not telling people. I don’t think it’s lousy at all, you have to be in the right place mentally as well to be able to manage their emotions on top of your own. It’s a lot and I’d be doing the same as you. I’m fucking sick of feeling like I’m trying to make everyone else feel better about my situation frankly, so my heart goes out to you fully. So do whatever you need to do 🤗.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and I just can’t be arsed with it. Mums making a big deal whereas my ideal scenario would be to just spend the day in bed with cake and banana bread watching inane shit on Netflix 😂.

Well, it’s been a pleasant sunny Sunday afternoon Arsenal Ladies and Scotland won. I enjoyed my roast dinner and next week is ‘action week’ for me.
Mon Bloods, Covid booster and Flu vaccination, Tue Oncology consultation, Thu Chemo with pump, Sat Pump removal and so it goes on and on.

I hope you all had a pleasant weekend

@TopOfTheCliff – Love the hat!

@cannaecookrisotto - Good sleep does make a difference - yep agreed
It’s my birthday tomorrow – wonderful – I hope it’s a really good day for you.

@Ventress – I’m sorry about your son – hope this week is better for you

@ForestFlowerFairy - what a dreadful week for you as well –

I read all the updates – I wish I could help - hoping this week goes better for you all – look after yourselves peeps - best wishes

Happy Birthday @cannaecookrisotto ! 🎂I hope you have a great day, whether that revolves round cake and Netflix or something more sociable with your family, please enjoy your day!

You must listen to your body and if it's telling you to rest you should do that. As you say, it's not just physically draining, it's emotionally and mentally exhausting too and you shouldn't push yourself. I hope your girls had a good afternoon with their granddad.

DS seems okay thank you both for asking. We've told him that if it's all getting too stressful that he needs to remove himself from the situation (rather than react). His form teacher is lovely and has suggested a notebook for him to vent into, and set up a session with the school's counsellor for him. He doesn't seem that keen on the counsellor idea but it could be helpful. He, his new notebook and his ever present head phones have headed into school anyway.

That sounds like a good Sunday afternoon to me @DanFmDorking. All the best for your busy week. Is this week your last chemo session? What's next for you?

I hope you are okay @ForestFlowerFairy

Happy birthday @cannaecookrisotto
I do hope you've had a day of being pampered and adored.

Thank you all for asking after me, honestly it's been a rough few days with lots of tears
I think the reality is the trust is gone between me and the dog and today as she was running around me trying to round me up I was nervous and didn't want her near me. That's unfair on her as much as me. I still feel I need a few days to really be sure, the idea of giving up on a dog is horrific - I'm almost 2/3rds of the way through treatment and I know recovery will take time but perhaps if I have another few days I can work out if I really can keep working with her and we can get through this together or if she's better off back with Dogs Trust.
I also want to be a bit more stable before I call them, I hate making decisions when emotional and I don't want to feel like I'll be pushed into a decision either way.

In other news, my sister in law is back, yay, she's covering lifts for the first half of the week and after a week with my Dad I am delighted to have her again.
My mouth is either full of phlegm or dry as a bone so I've rocking the nebuliser on top of the drugs and drinking milk which apparently helps and my face is exceptionally red and shiny.

Had a good hug from the radiologist today, I bet she regrets being nice after I burst into tears and snotted all over her but the hug was amazing.

I do hope you're all doing well and not quite the emotional wreck I am.
I am journaling though to try and help me get my thoughts out and our littlest cat is glued to me as I hide in my comfy chair with a blanket so there are some positives

Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone ❤️.
Everyone was at work (I don’t like a fuss on my birthdays in normal times even) and I was a bit sad thinking this birthday can go and fuck off. Then my auntie dragged me out for lunch and then I went to visit my Nan. Seeing Nan was a tonic honestly.
Nan had a stroke back in Feb, a big one. It affected her left side badly so she’s now bed bound and needs a wheelchair, but prior to stroke, she was very active, looked after the kids, went walking with friends, very independent driving. A young nan.

Anyways, Nan has regained all her mental faculties but is now in a nursing home. I’ve not told Nan of my diagnosis because I don’t want her sat worrying about it when all she would want to do is try and help me and there’s nothing she can do. So seeing Nan today, with her treating me like everything is normal, no sad looks, just complete and utter Nan love was wonderful. Ended up sat there for hours just watching TV with her. Wonder if the home would let me move in with her?!? 😂.

@DanFmDorking the thought of a Sunday roast just made me dribble a little bit. I’ve not had one in so long. I might see if I can talk my mother into rusting one up next week!! Sounds like you’ve got a busy week ahead for sure, I hope the train of tiredness takes it easy on you and appt with Oncology goes well :)

@Ventress thank you :)
Agree with the emotionally draining side and it’s nice to let my guard down a bit once the kids are out of the way. The girls had a great afternoon, they run rings (well the 8yo does and I’m sure baby FatFat isn’t far behind) around my father so get to do whatever they want. Then come back to me and my rules and think “wtf is this shit of being told no” lol.

Glad DS is ok and his form teacher does sound lovely. School councillor sounds like a great plan, somewhere for him to offload his worries and talk openly. I had a period of talking to a school
councillor during my parents divorce (I turned into a little bastard for a brief spell) and it really helped being able to speak without feeling like I was passing on my worries to my parents. Notebook great shout too - I love mine!

@ForestFlowerFairy don’t think of it as you “giving up” on the dog, but doing what you need to do for YOU right now. You’re already going through so much and you need the least amount of stress in your life as possible. Whatever decision you make will be the right one because you clearly love her very much given that you’re waiting for a few more days to decide even. Dogs are really hard work even when we’re at our healthiest ❤️. Be kind to yourself and like you say, no rush to make any decisions today or tomorrow even.

Yay for sister in law 🥳. But Boooo for dry vs phlegm mouth. I have a mouth like Ghandis ass and can sympathise. Are you allowed any mouthwash like Difflam to help? Tbf it doesn’t help me that much but the strong taste of it is a reprieve for the 30 seconds I’m swilling it round 😂.

I’ve found radiologists to be really lovely! Every one I’ve met so far as been really empathetic and kind. A good hug when we need one can make all the difference ❤️. I’m glad to hear you got that one Because it sounds like you needed it after such a week of wankery!! Xx

@Ventress - this week it's number five of six - last Chemo on the 30th

@cannaecookrisotto - No, no, no, the trick is to pop along (like I do) to a local pub that serves roast dinners on a Sunday - all the work (and the washing up) is done for you - roast beef, lamb, chicken, ham - yummy, yum, yum, yum - and they show the Sunday football matches - much delight

blated happy birthday @cannaecookrisotto

Was your dog trainer helpful @ForestFlowerFairy ? I do not envy you the decision you are trying to make, and you should take all the time you need to make it. I know that you will make the correct one for you and for your dog.

A good hug is just the best, as is a good cry. Both can be very cathartic.

Glad your lovely sister in law is back and I hope treatment this week is good and helps ease your symptoms. I hope the journaling is helping too.

The end is in sight for the chemo @DanFmDorking Always good to find a pub which does a good Sunday lunch. Our village pub does a good one, but stops serving at 2pm. As DS plays rugby most Sunday mornings we don't get there in time. I'm looking forward to being well enough to cook my own roast soon - fingers crossed.

Sounds like you had a good birthday @cannaecookrisotto - your nan and aunt sound lovely. You have a great family. According to my dad, grandparents exist to spoil their grandchildren. Apparently there is an ancient common law and tons of case law which backs this up
"...a mouth like Ghandis ass..." if tea didn't taste absolutely rank at the moment I would have spat my tea across my desk! Mine is similar, furry and thick tongue and just yuck. Everything tastes grim now and my gums feel like they are more ulcer than gum. I'm getting through loads of toothpaste brushing my teeth every hour or so.

I agree about the counsellor for DS. I think it's not something he would do voluntarily but being forced into it by a higher power could be really helpful. I have private health insurance through work and they have offered him (and me) counselling. I'm hoping he will find counselling positive and want to continue. Fingers crossed.

Hope you are doing okay @cantbelieveIamhere

Quick message to ask if those of you with 'orrible mouths have checked whether you have oral thrush? You might need an antifungal if yes (took me until my fourth round of chemo to realise it was thrush and I could get treatment!). It doesnt magic away the nastiness but it can make it more bearable.

@Ventress yes, the dog trainer was helpful - she takes all of the blame out of everything.
Highlighted the progress we've made, but also pointed out we have no idea what breeds are in her, but she has blue eyes which whilst is a sign of deaf dogs is also an issue for behaviour within some dogs. She takes on many difficult dogs and rehabilitates and talked about the failures, that she had a dog 11 months that just turned and clamped on her, she believes that our dogs neurological issues are not just linked to mobility but behaviour as well. It's the unpredictability that scares me. I know she's scared of the hoover and mop, so I crate when I do this. But sometimes she stops, stares and either snaps out of it or suddenly starts jumping.
We have called dogs trust and are waiting a call back which will take 24-46 hours. I think she has to go but I'm really hoping they'll really talk to us, our trainer and see what they can do. If they say she'll be destroyed I don't know what I'll do.

She's also kept and lunged towards a friend and my sister in law this week but she behaves for my husband, I suspect she is too dominating and I'm too ill, thankfully my sil pulled no punches telling my husband what happened and I think he listened more to her than when she actually bit me!

In other news I'm almost exclusively on liquid food now, my throat has really closed up the last 2 days. I'm sat waiting for my weekly chemo, today marks week 4, I have 10 days more of treatment.
I'm definitely having to dig deep at the moment, Its finally sinking in that I'm sick, and I'm terrified this won't work

I’m having my weekly Chemu today (my 8 year old has renamed it - like Temu but Chemu!). Another 45 mins and I’ll be able to blow this joint and go home.

@DanFmDorking
The last chemo 🙏. I’m counting down with you, how does it feel having just one more on the 30th? Agree with the pub Sunday lunch!! But can’t beat mums Sunday dinners. She puts garlic salt and flour on the roast potatoes and they’re just crispy little fellas of absolute joy.

@cantbelieveIamhere thank you :)
How are you getting on lovely? What’s on the treatment agenda at the moment?

@Ventress
Yeah my Nan and auntie are awesome, especially Nan. We’ve always been so close and it feels so strange not telling her about something so big in my life but I believe it’s for the best. When I’m out of the other end of treatment I might tell her but I just don’t see the point otherwise. The only thing (and I’d welcome advice from you all) is I’ve obviously been visiting Nan less because of all the appointments and feeling grotty, so I’ve gone from 3 times a week to one weekly visit. I’ve gone through as many excuses as I can, there’s only so much “I’ve had Covid” she will believe and I don’t want to tell her I’m busy with work or something because Nan is so much more important to me than work, I can’t have her thinking I’m ditching her visits for work!!! So what’s a good reason for reduced visits? Whilst making Nan still feel as important to me as she is?

Grandparents are the spoiling masters of grandchildren, there is no doubt in my mind 😂. The kids also come home with mounds of crap that I then have to find homes for in my already toy filled and cluttered house. I’ve managed to acquire about 6 pumpkins in the past 3 days as well.

Ghandis ass is the most appropriate metaphor and I’m glad it made you laugh 😂. I have ulcers as well, the Difflam helps but my water flosser is giving me a lot of relief too. Have you got one? I feel like it removes all the fur and rejuvenates my mouth. I was brushing my teeth about 6 times a day but then my gums started protesting. So I’m compromising with water flosser and brushing x 3.

@Poledra
I’ve asked them to check today (based on your message so thanks for the suggestion! :) and I’ve not yet got oral thrush, just Ghandi ass mouth. They’ve let me know what to look for with thrush too so if I do get it I can let them know straight away and get some Nystatin.

@ForestFlowerFairy
Glad the dog trainer was helpful but I’m sorry that you’re having such a stressful time with it all ❤️. Like I’ve said, you’re the biggest priority now. I’m normally the dick head on the front row shouting “don’t rehome, keep trying” but these are exceptional circumstances and whatever decision you make will be the right one.

We had an American Bulldog for a bit growing up (Frank). My dad adopted him when him and mum separated for a bit. Then they decided to “try again” and we moved back home.

The dog (all 60kg of him) couldn’t make hear nor tail (ha!) of the pecking order in the house. He saw it as:
dad
dog
mum
me
sister (4 at the times).

Cut a long story short, me and mum were terrified of the dog for weeks, we wouldn’t let the dog anywhere near my sister and it was hard work, and in the end we rehomed him after he escaped and held the neighbours hostage in their conservatory for 5 hours 👀. Then mum and dad decided to proceed with the divorce anyway!!

I'm glad your trainer is good. Some I have met have been awful so I'm very glad you have found a gem. Would a soft muzzle on your puppy help you feel a little safer in the house @ForestFlowerFairy ? I can't imagine the stress you are under currently. It's good that your sister in law is there and fighting your corner with you. The Dog's Trust may be able to place her in a home where there is someone who is able to help her. Your priority, as @cannaecookrisotto says, must be towards yourself and your recovery.

I hope your chemo went well today and that your throat relaxes soon. The treatment will work, please don't lose heart. Keep journaling and lean on those around you, including us.

It's so difficult with your nan @cannaecookrisotto Will you be having a mastectomy once your chemo (Chemu) has finished? Could you tell her that you have to have minor surgery and so are actively trying not to get a cold or bug which would set the date back? My father in law was in a home and they are worse than schools for the spreading around of colds, flu, stomach bugs and every other type of lurgy you can think of. Could you go back to lockdown days and do video calls with her on the days you can't see her? Also, she knows that you have a young child and a baby and your time is scarcer than it was before you had the baby.

Frank sounds quite scary and I say that as a big dog lover! My godparents used to have Rottweilers and one of the proudest days of my life was when they named one of their dogs after me. I loved spending time with my namesake - she would sit on my lap. Me a skinny little six year old, her a 70Kg Rottie. Sigh - happy days.

I hope your chemo has gone well today.

We are getting a new range cooker delivered tomorrow. The current one is at least 20 years old (it was here when the people before us bought the house!) so DH and I just thought, fuck it, life's too short and ordered a new one. This is the sort of hedonistic, fly by the seat of our pants, lifestyle we lead. It better be good at Yorkshire Pudding or it's going straight back...

Bless you all it made me cry when I saw messages asking after me.
I am very overwhelmed with it all at present.

Have had one ct scan in a dodgy mobile vehicle on an industrial estate with one paramedic and two other blokes, one who I couldnt understand at all. It felt quite intimidating especially when there was some mumbling through the ether and then the liquid sped through the canula.
Anyway thats done and now tomorrow bone scan.

I am in awe of everyone on here and all the different lives we are trying to live while going through this shit and if someone else says I am on a bloody journey I am going to scream!
Its not a journey its bloody cancer and its all shit!

I have now read almost all of the messages on here and am grateful for the tips on the aspririn and the lorotadine.

Because my scan is tomorrow I probably have at least another week to wait before I find out my plan as the team meet on a thursday. I dont know whether I want it to rush on or not I want it all done but I am absolutely terrified and feeling very sad and alone. Its very helpful to be able to share stuff on here and I am really grateful to you all, and so sad for some of you ladies that are having it much worse than me as you are dealing with lots of other health issues too.

I am trying to be grateful for nice bits of each day because of course there are some.
However at the moment our toilet has just gone out of action and we are having to use a portable loo as our waste pipe is literally full of shit a bit llike life at the moment! It is more expensive than you would imagine to fix it all which cantbe done until Saturday so thats something to look forward to - getting a toilet back!

@cannaecookrisotto I thought I was the only one whose parents did the whole "were getting divorced" talk multiple times!
They sold the house, bought separate houses, got back together, split up again - it's was bloody exhausting but I was relieved when they both finally called it a day, third or fourth time I think it was! I didn't encourage them to get remarried because I liked their new partners, I was just hoping it would stop them getting back together 😂
I can't help with the Nan reasons, my dad's side of the family don't know I'm sick, but they don't like me so that makes it pretty simple.
But I do know my Nana (mums side) was amazing though and any time I'd go round after not seeing her for a while she was always so forgiving and simply pleased I was there, I guess like with your birthday you ensure it's quality time with her.

Sorry to hear about Frank, our dog has some sort of bully in her, maybe a bit of frenchie and staffie. They are dominant breeds and I suspect with her poor start and my slowness I'm the wrong person for her.

Dogs trust did call this afternoon, they can take her back and we're booked to go Sunday. I'm now going to try and relax, knowing we can take her without stress or pressure or guilt. They did emphasis they will not PTS for a single bite which makes me feel better. IF we keep her, their help is essentially a trainer which is no different to what we're doing now, and I really do adore our trainer she's 18 years training police dogs and now rehabilitates dogs back into homes or work so I'm confident we have the best help available
I hope now a date is set, pressure is off I can relax and just see if I feel like I can do longer and push through with her. I don't want to get rid of her, I really don't, but I also don't want to be scared of a dog
@Ventress It has taken us about 4 months of work just to get a lead on her, she can manage about 20 minutes before she starts to attack it - I'm not confident we'd get a muzzle on her, but IF we keep her i suspect she'll need one for walks, assuming we ever make it past the garden gate!

Also, I am super excited for your range cooker - I would LOVE a range cooker but we're in a village without gas. Really should have considered that before buying our little bungalow, I do hope your Yorkshires are epic
Does is have a bread bit? And a warming bit? What colour is it?
My exciting buy is a denby casserole cast iron pan that allegedly works on an induction hob

@cantbelieveIamhere I am pleased things are progressing, slowly but surely and hopefully you'll get your plan soon and have a clearer idea
Do not ever think you shouldn't be feeling all the feelings and getting overwhelmed just because some people may have it worse.
It's all swings and roundabouts, I was doing great until the dog tipped me over the edge and now someone bloody smiling at me will make me cry. We all have ups and downs and nothing someone else is going through takes away from how you're feeling
As for the toilet, THAT would tip me over the edge! I do hope it gets sorted soon - we've just had our car charger fixed today which is a relief, it broke just before I started treatment and has resulted in everyone doing the lifts using public chargers, it's cost an absolute fortune so at least the next 2 weeks of daily trips can be done at a reasonable rate at home. Doesn't it seem strange that the world has gone to shit for us and yet at the same time, everything else continues in its usually fuckuppery - I can't tell if it's comforting or not!

@cantbelieveIamhere
Everything you’re feeling is normal. It is a most overwhelming situation ❤️.
Never minimise your own feelings or situation based on what others are going through. I’ve said it on here previously but simply hearing the initial result of “sorry, you have cancer” is enough on its own to drive anyone up the wall. I promise you, once you get the full picture, all results and a treatment plan you will start to crack on, a new routine will be born and you’ll feel like you’ve regained some control back. It’s still massively shit, and the feelings do come and go, but it’s like a wave. It’s no longer an ever impending 200ft Tsunami. It’s a bit of a smaller one ❤️. Check with your BCN about the aspirin. I’m not taking aspirin as I’m a bleeder. I’ve always liked a good prolonged bleed for some reason so I don’t want to tempt fate with a nosebleed that doesn’t stop. And then I’ll end up in A&E with tampons shoved up my nostrils.

CT scan in dodgy mobile van with blokes doesn’t sound very comforting, I’m sorry you had to contend with that in what’s already a difficult process. Was somebody with you? Is the Bone scan in hospital? I hope you have a better experience. I didn’t have a bone scan weirdly. Just CT with and without dye. I have wondered if they’ve forgot to do it but I’m loathe to ask in case they make me have one. So I’m doing an ostrich for that!

oh yes, the “journey”. And “warrior”. And “brave”. And “you’ve got this girl”. I just say now “I’ve not got a fucking choice!!!”. And it’s not a bastard journey. It’s a treadmill of sheer wankery. I’m only a month in and I’ve completely lost my word filter (it was pretty shit anyway tbf) but I’ve since learnt the art of not compromising my own feelings to spare others. Most people mean well, so I’m gentle with it but I have said “it annoys me when people
say this crap to me” 😂. My family have a WhatsApp group so I can just post ONE update instead of loads when I have news on scans etc. I’ve pinned a message to the top of banned phrases and journey is amongst them. As is any wanky sparkly unicorn positivity shit. (@Ventressthis WhatsApp group currently has all the divorcees in together haha! Mum, biological dad, step dad, dad number 3, dad’s new wives…)

Come back tomorrow @cantand let us know how your PET scan goes. We can have a good moan together and hold hands whilst you wait for the full
picture. I’ll bring some plates for us to throw at the virtual wall :)

@Ventress
that’s a good idea, Nan knows I’m already juggling plates like a mad woman with work and the kids and we did drop her an iPad off at weekend for the purposes of FaceTime (and no doubt she’ll be on FoxyBingo depreciating her assets for the care home fees haha!). It’s costing her £1750 a WEEK!!! I’m shocked. She gets £250 a week funded nursing element but she’s currently selling her little flat. Then once that has run out it will be fully funded. It just winds me up, she’s worked all her life for her retirement and to enjoy herself, going on little holidays with her friends and now every bastard purchase she wants to make we check with the social workers to make sure it won’t be used against her. I just wish there was something I could do to help with mobility. I’ve looked into a private physio but the cost is really prohibitive. Thousands a month and out of my budget. If she could just get mobility back in the left leg and arm (her arm seems to be improving over time but leg is not) she’d be able to come and live with one of us. But because she currently needs hoists and lifting we can’t do it.

It’s really sad, Nan was my sidekick. My best mate. Because I worked from home she was here all the time just chilling out, we went on holiday every year with the kids and days out. I feel like I’ve lost her. I know she’s there in the care home but she’s really miserable. I feel helpless. I will defo do the FaceTime thing, that’s a great idea!!! We WhatsApp all day already and I send her loads of pictures and videos of the girls which she then spams her walking friends with 😂.

Yep, mastectomy for me after chemu. I was talking to BCN about it today because I had my heart set on a double mastectomy. If my gene testing comes back positive then I’ll have no choice but I was thinking a double MX will reduce risk of recurrence, but BCN was saying outcomes are the same statistically. So I need a good long chat with the surgeon to make a decision.

Frank was scary indeed. My dad loved that dog and we also had a Rottie from when I was a toddler to a teenager. Beautiful dogs ❤️, I’m with you on that.

Chemu went swimmingly. I might be a weird odd person but I really look forward to Chemu 🫣. I actually enjoy the day. I think it’s because I feel safe there, I get to ask all the questions that have been pestering me through the week and I love chatting with the nurses and other patients. I spoke to GP on phone today and asked for my Citalopram to be increased from 20mg to 30mg. I’ve been on 20mg since my eldest was born 8 years ago for PND. I’m starting to get periods of quite intense anxiety. Not knowing what’s going on inside my body is really freaking me out, as well as knowing scans are looking at the mid way point. I get the slightest twinge in my knee and I’m instantly googling “bone metastasis symptoms”. And I just can’t stop myself from doing it. BCN is also referring me to psychology for some sessions on diverting my insolent brain. I think my feelings have been compounded by the lymph node confusion. It’s not even a big deal, treatment doesn’t change or anything it’s just the control freak in me.

A range cooker sounds bloody fantastic!! I’d love on but my kitchen is the size of a small shed. Poop. Plus I’m absolute shit at cooking (can bake but not cook) so would be wasted on me. I would like looking at it though!!

@ForestFlowerFairy
I hear you on the parents!! Mine did it for 4 years and finally called time when I was 17. My sister was 4 (big gap). All I felt was bloody relief!! Mum remarried about 5 years after but dad never has (well he’s my step dad but brought me up from a baby).
Your dad’s side of the family sound crap - how could they not like you?! They’re clearly deranged.
My Nan is the same, she’s always “I know how busy you are , don’t burn yourself out or make yourself ill”. Awww.

Great news about not PTS. One less thing for you to worry about. Your trainer sounds amazing, and at least you’ll know once you make a decision that you really did everything you could.

In other news, I gave Richard (the bearded dragon) some Dubai Roaches as a treat a few months ago (he has locusts normally). They were tiny at the time. Anyway, last night before I switched his light off for bed, I saw two strange looking creatures just chilling out on his log. Bugs I’d never seen before and a good 2 inches apiece. I googled and it turns out the Dubai roaches must have found a good hiding spot in his tank and fully mutated matured!! Richard was fast asleep and they were just sat on his log looking like they were having a gab. I’ve been trying to spot them again all day but to no avail. Sneaky little feckers!!!

And I’ve just got really comfy in bed and noticed DH hasn’t shut his wardrobe all the way (sliding door). I can’t stop looking at it so will have to get out bed and close it. He does this often. Why can’t he just shut the twatting wardrobe? I’m going to create a PowerPoint presentation tomorrow and educate him on shutting a wardrobe. The man can take apart and rebuild a car engine. But cannot shut a wardrobe door. I can’t leave it otherwise a demon will crawl out at 3am and touch my feet.