Hiding it from Grandparents

[Fatcrab]

Ugh....Grandmother just had a heart attack a few months ago from stress (she worries about everyone so much and it keeps her up at night) shes 83, recovered but has slowed down and a bit frail but still with it.

They both dote on me and i help them every 3-4 week with the errands and I video call weekly.....I feel like I just cannot let them know about my diagnosis....and im actually planning to just wear the wig and see them, and only on my up days during treatment.....Any advice?

AIBU?

It’s kindly thought, but is it realistic?

@olderbutwiser Im not sure cos ive never had cancer til now 🤣 but im going to try.....if i tell them,...no matter how much i say il be alrright, i know theyl worry and I just want them to see out their days in peace. I think if i dont lose too much weight it may be ok? Xx

Oh op....sorry for your diagnosis. I think it depends on how bad the diagnosis is. I don't mean that flippantly at all. I had skin cancer last year and had some treated with chemo, the rest cut out. I kept it all hidden from my DC as I knew my prognosis was good.

Sorry to hear this.

I faced / am facing a similar dilemma with my elderly mother, who so far I've managed to keep my diagnosis from, although in my case she is a long distance away and we only communicate by phone, which I felt gave me the realistic option not to tell her. I know it would greatly distress and worry her, which in turn would be an added stress for me at a time I really don't need it. I should make a full recovery but have had to have surgery and have just found out that they are recommending a course of radiotherapy as well.

Can I ask what sort of treatment you will be having and how you expect it to affect you ? (You mention a wig so I'm guessing chemo, although by no means everyone loses their hair)

It's possible if they see you frequently they may notice any physical changes and/or due to treatment you may have to make excuses for not being available at the times they are used to seeing you. I'd suggest that if you don't say anything, you have something prepared in your head for if they ask you outright. (In my case, that will be that saying to her that I made the decision, not only to stop her getting upset but because I didn't want anyone to know as I find it easier to handle like that.)

One thing to consider - because of this, I've not told any other members of my family (other than my husband) as I don't think it would be fair to tell them and expect them to then keep it from her, as they could deliberately or accidentally let something slip. So this is something else to consider when deciding which approach to take.

@P00hsticks Rare & Aggressive Ovarian Cancer Stage 2b so will defo need chemo, poss radio....awaiting oncologist app.

I can understand why you wouldnt tell mum if you are long distance, makes sense.

Yeh i was thinking to say anemia (which i currently have) and maybe IBS or something not as heavy....They may notice changes I know, im just trying to think about how to navigate through it...If i can see them as much as poss on updays then i can afford to slip off grid for a few weeks.

Bless you. We do feel the need not to worry our parents and others we love don’t we. You know her best. I’d probs not tell her. Good luck to you going forward x

I can understand not telling. Mainly because they will constantly be asking questions and worrying, in the end they cannot help, so pointless. I do sometimes these types of ppl make it all about themselves and their feelings in a skewed way. My mum is like that, I would not tell my mum, she’d be heartbroken literally. All the best OP x

@Fatcrab, sorry to hear that - I was diagnosed with Stage 2b endometrial (womb), following Stage 2 bowel cancer, so had surgery to remove part of my bowel last Autumn followed by a hysterectomy with tubes & ovaries early this year. Like you am now awaiting an appointment with an oncologist to discuss follow up treatments, which I understand is likely to be radiotherapy.

Wishing you well with whatever you decide...

@P00hsticks And you! Life sure sucks at times x

Oh what a tough situation to be in. Firstly sorry for your diagnosis and I hope you come through it all. Your GPs may not believe you and that will cause them to worry. Different I know but imagine trying to hide a pregnancy. Likely it will reach a point where it can’t be hidden. Your immune system will also take a hit so you need to shield yourself from potential illness and if you’d normally see them if they were Ill and suddenly can’t they may wonder.

you’ll find your path.

all the best OP x

I think if you can come up with something not too far from the truth like anaemia or IBS that could explain things like weight loss, the occasional hospital appointment etc that you could mention that might help rather than have to keep it completely hidden.

As demonstrated on quite a few of the threads that appear on this board, many people go into meltdown just at any mention of the 'C' word, and for the older generation in particular it is viewed as an automatic death sentence, whereas in fact many cancers are now very treatable and many make a full recovery from it.

I kept it from my 96 year old grandma for a month or so, but she knew from seeing me something was wrong and my mum ended up telling her for me, as grandma kept asking what was wrong. I actually put weight on as well during chemo, I didn't lose any! Best of luck with your treatment xx

Are you going to be having chemo? If so it's totally unrealistic ... if they have any signs of infection you can not visit (at all!!).

@SunnyValemin How much weight did you put on?

@ByQuaintAzureWasp I understand, Was thinkng to say i have covid or something. To be fair my mum hid it from many people....she breezed through chemo.

I guess il have to see how I react?

@Fatcrab I put about a stone and a half on. I had breast cancer and was given steroids after each round of chemo which made me ravenously hungry, that's why I gained weight instead of losing it.

@SunnyValemin Hope u are ok now xx