Too worried to sleep

[4seasons]

I know I’m not going to sleep tonight ! Really bad pain from right ovarian cyst and worrying about how long before I can have surgery. I’ve been told I have level 3 ovarian cancer and need a debulking operation followed by chemo.The consultant I saw on Monday mentioned the end of February for my operation. I was terrified but glad it was reasonably soon . Today I had a call from a specialist Gynae/ oncology nurse . I have an hours appt next week ( 18th ) when a nurse will take me through what to expect , aftercare etc.She said she’d try to get my pre- op appt on the same day if she could. But today I’ve received a message to say my pre op will be mid March ! I assume from this that the earliest I’ll be operated on will be end of March . I’m so frightened and depressed by this. I’m in constant pain and living on pain killers and basically housebound at the moment. I’m also concerned about the spread of the disease. It would appear it’s a fast growing cancer as at the end of June 2024 I had a CA125 level of 10 and ultrasounds simply showed a 3 cm cyst on one ovary with no suspicious details. By January 13 th I had cancerous cysts on both ovaries which cause pain. So … fairly fast growing?
Has anyone else had to wait so long for cancer treatment? Is there really nothing I can do but wait and live on pain killers ? The fear is the worst thing to cope with . That and putting on a cheerful face when all I want to do is scream and cry. What a mess …and what a pity party !!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I dont have any experience e, but just wanted to send some love xx

Poor thing. Hoping you have some support and the nurse can advise you x

Well things have moved on a little. I had an hours meeting with a Gynae / oncology nurse who talked me through the debulking operation and what to expect and gave me reading materials about convalescing afterwards. She was lovely and very positive and good at her job.
I have my pre op appointment next week and my surgery the week after … mid March. Everyone seems to be very positive except me ! Knowing what is to come is terrifying. Big operation, followed by a slow and painful recovery, rounds of chemo with all the attendant side effects … then an 80-90 % chance of recurrence. I can’t stop reading about the condition and all the data surrounding it. I want to live and get my life back but realise this is unrealistic now.
I try each day to get out somewhere… out for lunch or a coffee , a short ( and painful) walk in the park . I then usually have to spend a few hours in bed recovering. I had a complete melt down the other day and my husband was wonderful and I managed to pull myself together enough to go for a walk with him. He is suffering with me and I feel so guilty.
Everything seems so bleak and pointless . I’m sure lack of quality sleep isn’t helping matters but listening to music/ podcasts etc does nothing to quell the terror and deep sadness.
Tomorrow is another day and I shall soldier on I expect.. what is the alternative? My daughter is very practical and positive as she has a friend in the same position as me so I’m trying to be brave. But I’m not brave … not in the least. If you’ve managed to read this tirade of self pity , thank you. At nearly 1am in the morning I didn’t know who to talk to.

4seasons I didn't want to leave you unread. I've got stage 3 type 3 cancer too. It's such a shock and you are in shock right now. Mentally I promise it will get better you sort of come to terms with it, I cried for about 3 months non stop a year ago when I found out. Now I am past treatment and I think about it less often. You will too. There is hope, maybe we will be the lucky ones and maybe not who knows. After your op you will feel better physically and mentally. Use this time before your op to be as healthy as possible, healthy eating and daily walks are a good idea.

@4seasons big handhold and hugs. Cancer is an unbelievably crap experience! I know you are scared, I am too. Diagnosed with a large pelvic leiomysarcoma in December. Chemo 1/6 was on Wednesday. It's knocked me for 10, but i won't give in.

Steer clear of googling, as it exacerbate anxiety. Try to live in the moment ( if you can) day by day, hour by hour. That's what I'm doing because it's all I CAN do right now.

Good advice from @gfedcba at some point you kind of make peace with it all as you start to live a new " normal" kind of life. Your fears and feelings are valid and it's scary.

Xxxx