Best friend has just been diagnosed with cancer

[IButtleSir]

My best friend has just called me to tell me she was diagnosed with stage 1 endometrial cancer this morning.

I am so angry and heartbroken and feel utterly useless. I want to do everything I can to support her. I hate that there's nothing of any use I can do.

Please let me know what I can do to support her, as well as things to avoid.

I'd say visit in person if you can.

Let her lead on humour and positive attitude. I personally didn't like people making a joke of it until I had, or telling me to stay upbeat, offering wisdom etc especially who hadn't had cancer.

Hopefully she'll make a wonderful recovery but she doesn't have to love this experience and there's the complication of it affecting her fertility so it may be a really tough time. I'd say be there, let her talk, don't try and offer any solutions. Gift wise, I'd recommend something specific that she'd like any other time rather than one of those ready made self care boxes or flowers. I appreciated anything (especially from overseas friends) but preferred more personal gifts.

Mine hasn't affected my fertility in the same way but I won't be able to have children now because of it and it's a lot to digest. I'd prepare to talk this over in slower time if she needs to.

Thank you for all of this, this is really helpful.

If she is having a hysterectomy try not to push your own emotions on to her, it is her body and feelings. Give plenty of practical support as she will not be able to do anything for the first week and will need help for a further 5 or 6 weeks.

My lovely friend was diagnosed with stage 4 in September, i asked what she needed from me, her answer was normality. I never asked her how she was after that. I bought a resin heart pocket hug and a lovely pashmina and told her they were my hugs to her. Never mentioned cancer again until she brought it up the day she died. We went out for lunch for the first few weeks after it became to much for her i turned up with nice bread and cheese ( her favourite) so she could help herself, when that became too much i made lunch. We gossiped, laughed and had a great time and drank no alcohol wine. Cancer was taking her life but it didn't have to steal all her life whilst she was still alive.

Oh and if she watches any particular programmes that you know of, it's really nice when having to have time off for recovery, to have someone to watch Love Island or whatever along with.

I love any of my friends all the more who sit through my crappy distraction telly and dissect it with me on WhatsApp!

Long term cancer here. Over 5 years if chemo. From my experiences
Dont assume your friend wants to do anything different.
Ask 'hows things going with the cancer' and follow her lead.
Get her a voucher for the coffee shop in the hospital.
Do a dry run with her to find out where she can park for appts and treatment
Most cancer centers give you a free parking permit so you can offer to find out about that.
Dont mininise it, dont maximise it. Go with what she says. Dont project your own assumptions about cancer onto her.
Just plod on as you normally would.
I craved normality and still do so usual chats, usual catch ups.
Offer to go along to things but just say 'let me know if you want some company'
Cancer is 100% individual so avoid telling her about people who live or die of cancer.
Chemo is different for everyone so dont try to guess or predict how she will feel or the side effects she will get or not get.
Just keep on being her friend. My oldest friend and I spend v little time talking cancer. We talk about vinted.

I'm so sorry about your friend, you must feel her loss terribly. It sounds like you were a wonderful support to her in her final months.

My friend was diagnosed with endometrial cancer last year and has had an hysterectomy and been told there are no more signs. She went private to get it all over with quickly as she felt things were progressing too slow with the NHS. She was 57 and had finished her family so that wasn't a problem for her.

She is very pragmatic and does have a dark sense of humour, as do I. We laughed a lot but I just followed her lead when in conversation. She did speak about it with a lot of people and so gained a lot of information about the condition.

I probably wouldn't have told many if I had a serious illness because I can't stand that look of pity people give you.

If you're UK based - reach out to Maggie's Center - they are a great support for anyone affected by cancer - be it family, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc. Free support for everyone.

Yes the look of pity is infuriating. People tend to find out though even if you try to keep it quiet.

Thank you. she is missed more than you can imagine.

I feel for you. One of my close friends has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, sadly spread to brain and liver. She is very open about discussing it but due to large tumour on the brain is confused / can’t get words out. It’s really tough, but she came to stay with me on the weekend and I tried to keep things as normal as possible. She find out tomorrow if they will do any treatment, but she is aware that it’s for controlling symptoms rather than cure. I feel angry this has happened to her at 57, angry that her GP dismissed the symptoms as menopause and angry it’s spread so much that it’s too late.

I feel for your friend having her decision to have children taken away from her. I’d say keep talking to her, taking her lead on how much she wants to talk. That means a lot, and any practical help will be great. I’ve been helping my friend with her dog, and having friend on weekend to give her daughter a break and although its not easy it’s good for me that I don’t feel helpless.