Advice about life in general.

[Loulou2004]

I apologise in advance this is a long one. I'm in desperate need of advice/help.
I met my husband in 2023 and we got married very, very quickly. (Within 4 months of meeting). After two weeks of dating we found out he had cancer. It turned our world upside down. It was an aggressive cancer and he needed lots of chemo and major life saving surgery. It impacted so much that I left my job for lots of reasons, but the main one being my boss wasn't very understanding or helpful, and tried to discipline me for being off sick, which he lost. My job was everything to me, and I'm still 1 year on, trying to come to terms with not working there. I have since jumped from job to job trying to be happy again but I'm so desperately low.
We live in a village I absolutely hate and am desperate to move. My husband is now clear and cancer free. He occasionally has minor brain fog/ blackouts and we are waiting to see a neurologist for a Brain scan. Until then he's had his driving licence suspended, which is horrid for him considering he was a bus driving and has been for 25 years. He's had 2 jobs in tesco, both lasted 3 months and then they have got rid of him.
Money is a constant worry in our house We decided to have a joint account and have bills coming out of thay account and keep what was left over in our own accounts. My husband kept digging in to the joint account, leaving us short for bills and then coming to me for more money. He was still on full pay at this point so he had money. I decided to have all the bills coming out of my account and he pay his half to me, this worked for a while, but he started not paying his full half and I was stressing myself out trying to keep up and getting into debt.
I have recently confided in my husband and told him I'm feeling really really low, and feel like I don't want to be in the world anymore. He didn't know whst to say and we've not spoken about it since, so I'm just plodding along lonely and so so low. The day after that conversation., my husband had a contract phone delivered that's costing £75 a month. There's nothing wrong with the phone he has. He told me on the same day hes bought a car from our landlord and paying £100 a month until paid off. Remember he can't even drive at the moment and we are skint, i am absolutely fuming. I just want to leave him and start again.
He just says I'm being unreasonable and basically I need to suck it up.
My daughter is nearly 21 and has moved out up the road, she working full time and is doing well. I'm totally trapped. I have Very little money, iv lost my own car and the job I love. What the hell do I do? I can't carry on like this

Just wanted to offer a hug. You are going through so much. I hope someone with more experience can help you, but I wanted to offer suggestions. Your husband is making many impulsive decisions, and this may be related to his illness. Could you get support from one of the cancer charities - Macmillan? - to get some support for you? It sounds like your husband is not capable of offering you emotional support. Hope you can find that in some way, but please do reach out - feeling like you don't want to be in the world any more sounds horrible. You are dealing with a lot. Thinking of you & hoping you find help.

You do need to leave him and start again.

He is making unilateral financial decisions that are really ruining your finances.

He doesn't have the right to do that.

You don't need to suck up anything.

He's cancer free. Leave while you can.

Can you open a monzo account? You can do it from your phone but that way have your own accounts for bills, and your own personal monzo accounts for your own spending money, split what's left over half each and don't give him more if he runs out. As long as there's shopping in he will survive till payday

Maybe move this to relationships?

A cynic would say he saw you coming.

Are you 100% sure he didn't know he had cancer when you met? Was he symptom less then had a diagnosis only 2 weeks later?

I'm sorry I can't believe that.

It seems like he used you. Destroyed your life.

I think you need to just start 100% fresh again.

He was in another relationship when we met and left her to be with me😏 he had symptoms yes, but thought it was a tonsillitis or a bad throat. An appointment was made for him at the hospital to have a camera down his throat long before he met me, but good old NHS took there time. There's no way in a million years any of us thought it could be cancer. So I don't think he " saw me coming"

Did you mean that smirking face? Surely you aren't happy with yourself that he left someone else for you and floating about that 🧐

Gloating

Well if it is gloating then the op certainly hasn't won a prize. Her h sounds like a proper tool.

Have you read any of what iv written? I'm in no position to be gloating. Any mistakes iv made in the last 2 years iv certainly paid for.

Get rid of him.

Do you know if he was financially savvy before you met? Any credit card debt or loans?... do you both own the house?
His spending could be in response to his cancer diagnosis or in response to his 'all clear'.... not that it excuses his behaviour, but could be worth looking at if he was managing his money ok before he was diagnosed.
You sound totally ground down by it all. I'd be feeling very resentful about his actions, and I'd be making plans to leave, but everyone has their own level of what is acceptable - you need to decide where your bar is set.

He's always been rubbish with money and I was warned when we first got together he was rubbish with his credit cards and money. I want to leave but feel like i can't survive on the little bit of money I make. I'm a bus driver tok and only want to do that job. Because I'm so unhappy and I'm trying to get mu life back I had before I got with my husband, and so iv moved from job to job. Non of the companies match what I had. I know that's something I need to get over. But because iv moved Companies iv ran out of places to go and work for. I have a job offer in south wales, really good wage and for stagecoach. Exactly what I want (I currently live in north wales) but have no where to live in south wales. My credit is shocking trying to play catch up cos of him, so won't pass credit checks on a private house. I m just so so unhappy

I wonder if you might get some more advice and support if you moved this thread to the Relationships Board? There are lots of people on there who may have been in similar circumstances.. not necessarily about the cancer, but definitely people who have been through the breakdown of a relationship and come out the other side..