Spouse angered by cancer

[Itsaswelltime]

If you have cancer, does your partner ever get angry with your illness e.g. that you can’t do things, or need things, get tired, etc.?

As an example, I had a lung lobe removed in October and things like vape fumes, also barbecue spoke, cigarette smoke very close to me or log fires make my chest feel as if it’s on fire and I can’t breathe, so I have to avoid them and get away from them if possible. (The only one that’s really a problem is vape as it can be difficult to spot someone vaping and then suddenly I find myself inhaling the fumes. Also sometimes people vape illegally inside which is excrutiatingly painful to inhale as there seems to be no fresh air to dilute the fumes.) The surgeon and oncologist have both said this is totally normal and I must avoid inhaling smoke, fumes etc. like this (and so should all healthy full lunged people). I really don’t think I am dramatic or princessy about it, but DH gets furious on any occasion when my lung pain/capacity has causes a problem.

DH has had a chronic illness for 10 years and I feel as if he is in a way jealous that sometimes he is not ´the patient’. He manages to mention his health situation at all of my medical appointments, in fact, to every single person we meet (yes, he is very insecure.)

It's frustrating for others and a reminder that life isn't normal. It's hard for everyone

It might be that your DH gets stressed. You go out and everything should be ok , someone vapes (whatever) and suddenly the trip out becomes a challenge as you are in pain / suffering.

Taking someone out when you are having to second guess what might happen in advance ( as I'm sure you know ) is stressful and can take the gloss off a trip, and probably stressful for you too knowing if you go out in a public place there is a risk of vaping or a new pub / restaurant you visit might have a log burner / open fire at this time of year.

Everyone responds differently to another's illness - it comes from stress / insecurity / the what if ...... how will I manage on my own / I'm already doing lots and more is needed / financial worries etc. etc.

As a full time carer for my DH I couldn't claim to be a saint - it was hard work physically and mentally and sometimes I did get angry - it's not so much at the individual but at the situation and circumstance you both find yourself in.

He sounds immature and a bit of a pillock.

It’s as if he has forgotten I’m sick and it’s very inconvenient and annoying to be reminded.

I think it’s perfectly normal to have days when it gets to you. Cancer is stressful for everyone.

I was angry at the injustice of DH's cancer but never angry at him.

He's a grade a tosser. You're unwell - he sees it as an afront to him.

Op what age group is your dh?

I only ask as my dad is late 70s and is exactly like this when my mum has had surgeries (hip and knee) in the last 18 months and due another smaller surgery soon

He's an absolute child and does nothing but walk around moaning it's hard having to do everything (literally put a wash on and hang it out)
All meals were sorted and yet he would be awkward and want something different that kind of thing.
He would outwardly moan in front of my mum that he would be going back to work for a rest

I pulled him up on it on the second surgery and told him he was being a dick and selfish and it settled down

My oldest friend had cancer for 2 years and lost her life to it this year. Her husband never once made her feel bad, or behaved liked a jealous soiled brat. He was wonderful even though he was devastated.

Someone needs to have a word tbh.

Hard to know from just 1 post but it sounds like you are no longer convenient to your husband and it's pissing him off.

This would be a deal breaker for me, if my husband saw me as a convenience to his life and then got aggrieved when my disability disabled me, and by extension him, and wasn't anything except compassionate if a little stressed that life has changed.

Also OP many men leave their spouses when they have cancer. It's a huge percentage, I don't have the stats to hand but they do float around from time to time, and it's a sad fact that many husbands would react the same way.

Yeah, this.

He's got no intention of 'caring' for you. He sounds like a selfish, insensitive arse who wants the 'illness limelight'.

he’s a fucking twat

Thanks, everyone.

Some of the first replies here are fucking weird.
No it's not ok that your dh js being a dick.

That he has to bring up his own health conditions every time you have an appointment is just embarrassing for him.

He'd give me serious ick

No

I am currently being treated for cancer

My husband has a number of significant medical issues. He has never mentioned these in any of my medical appointments, or acted like I am an annoyance or inconvenience to him

Yeah, for breast cancer and colon cancer about one in five men divorce their wives. Which is depressing but does illustrate that yes, many many husbands behave like this.

He's being a complete dick. You aren't asking for much or even requesting a significant change in his lifestyle. It's no massive imposition for him surely.

I have many debilitating conditions. I can't tolerate smoke or perfumes because it actually burns my throat and nose and is agony. It's really annoying and inconvenient I know but people just need to bugger off and try living with it. Don't take any crap.

I thank my lucky stars that in my own health predicament I am single.

Perhaps he expresses fear as anger? I think many men do. My dad was often angry but as I grew up, I could see clearly thar it was actually anxiety.

Thanks, everyone.