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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

FIL diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer - DH reaction

11 replies

AnnieG1986 · 02/11/2024 14:38

My FIL (72y) has recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer. He is awaiting a biopsy and further scan to determine which treatment options (if any) are recommended but at this stage things aren't looking great.

I'm a little taken aback by DH (39y) reaction and would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. He's carrying on with life like nothing has changed - doesn't want to visit his parents (2h journey), hasn't reached out to his mum or his brother since diagnosis, hasn't visited websites offering information like CRUK etc. I have been wondering whether he is scared to confront the situation and burying his feelings but I know him and his reactions very well and he genuinely doesn't seem to be concerned. I am trying to tread very carefully and gently and not overstep the mark when suggesting we think about how we might offer practical help if FIL needs to attend chemo sessions (MIL doesn't drive and they are not near the hospital) but he dismisses it as 'fussing'. I am the one checking in gently on MIL and brother in law. DH relationship with parents in normal times is fine, not extremely close but equally perfectly OK.

Obviously I'll continue to give DH space to process the news in his own time, but any other advice?

OP posts:
easier · 02/11/2024 14:45

“perfectly ok” “fine”

What does that mean in practise? how often do they get together?

What is your dh usually like in times of emotional upset?

ReadingGladys · 02/11/2024 14:48

How long since he found out? People sometimes need a bit of time to process this stuff. I also think some people find it helpful and comforting to get as much info as possible and others find too much information confusing and distressing- more than one way of dealing with it.

AnnieG1986 · 02/11/2024 14:49

@easier unemotional. From what I know he had a happy upbringing, if a little on the "transactional" side. His dad could be critical and he has worked through some of these feelings in therapy. He lived with his parents from ages 30-35 and had a good relationship.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndI · 02/11/2024 14:50

My MIL just got a cancer diagnosis.
Me and DH are being run into the ground, meanwhile his siblings aren't helping. Dont let him be that person, because I promise you if you leave his siblings to do it all they will never forgive you.

Slavica · 02/11/2024 14:53

ReadingGladys · 02/11/2024 14:48

How long since he found out? People sometimes need a bit of time to process this stuff. I also think some people find it helpful and comforting to get as much info as possible and others find too much information confusing and distressing- more than one way of dealing with it.

Exactly! I need as much information as possible and also research on my own; I find it comforting. DH is completely different, and I think our DD is just like him.

Maddy70 · 02/11/2024 14:57

I was pretty much in the same regarding my own diagnosis if you ignore it it isnt taking over your life. I get it.

He needs to offer practical help. Taking him and mum to hodpital and appointments

user8634216758 · 02/11/2024 14:58

“worked through some of these feelings in therapy.”
Why would anyone with a happy family relationship need therapy!? I’d suspect it’s not such a happy situation as you think and leave him to adjust to the news in his own time.

ChaoticCrumble · 02/11/2024 15:01

I've been in this situation. If my father had a problem I could help with (change), I'd be telling him to call doctors and do this and that. But his cancer is personal to him and at such a late stage that I can't do much (too far away to help with hospital). On top of this, he has mellowed with age, but he really was quite a grumpy person my whole life - he expects a lot from people he wasn't super kind to for the first 18 years of our life. I do care, but I also go on pretty much as normal.

Octavia64 · 02/11/2024 15:06

If he's had therapy to work through some feelings relating to his father then while their relationship might look ok on the surface now I'd lay money that it isn't a good relationship and that your DH is holding boundaries as a result of some bad treatment when he was younger.

I would not be falling over myself to help someone who I'd needed to go into therapy to help deal with how they'd treated me.

Sidebeforeself · 02/11/2024 15:12

Completely understand what you mean OP. This is my DH with his parents. I just think he compartmentalises stuff like this. He deals in facts and information, not “what ifs”, whereas I like to be prepared. He will help them when needed, but it’s always in the moment never proactively offered. He loves them but shows no emotion

easier · 02/11/2024 15:22

So he is generally an unemotional person

How has he been with you when you have need support?

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