Heavy! But I don't want to burden my friends

[3xchaos]

So long short is my mum is palliative care from cancer.

I've been completely fine with her diagnosis until we found out that she's palliative.

She was fine one week and then the next she has went down hill and lost all her hair from the chemo .

NOTE this post will probably make me sound like such an uncaring person but for context
My mother and I don't get on . I cannot stand to touch her kiss her anything like that. I love her from an emotional distance and she does me. We've never been close and I've tried so hard to make a connection but my mother is very self absorbed in her own health and illnesses she's got a BMI of 60 and has never had any interest in getting herself well my whole childhood it's always been about her health and what she needs.

She's always been unkind to me because I'm not overweight and has openly told me she's jealous of me.

Now she's in this situation which was inevitable.
And for some reason I've suddenly become so scared for my own health seeing her. I've always been careful with my weight because of her. But I think I'm turning into a hypochondriac I cannot stop myself from worrying about my own health what if something is wrong and I don't know it. Sounds so selfish!

Also I feel I'm going through some kind of self hatred when I catch myself saying or doing something my mother would do. Makes me so angry at myself because I can't stand her personality and everything she is. She looks such a mess . And I'm more angry with her than upset.

She's just completely wasted her life. And now she's in this mess and being so demanding on everyone and feeling sorry for herself but she's still sitting there eating crap! Food is more important to her than her family!

I'm really not upset about her situation I'm angry that I've been emotionally dragged into it ( thank god I don't live with her) and it's causing intense anxiety in me. And will just panic out of nowhere for no reason.

And before anyone asks yes I'm starting some therapy.

It sounds like a complicated situation. If you know that your mum doesn't have much time left, I would focus on how you want this ending to be. I'm not saying you need to be there for your mum, cos I've no idea of the full extent of what's happened in your relationship and what's caused you to feel this way. But think about how you want to say goodbye to her so you don't have any regrets.
As for the health anxiety, I think it's understandable that your mother's ill health would trigger your own healthy anxieties. I guess there are 2 ways of approaching it (in my opinion). One would be to focus on any areas of your health you can improve, to reduce your chances of cancer/other illnesses. The other would be to find ways of reducing anxiety generally. Only you know what will help - talking to friends? Walking/petting the dog? Exercise? Meditation? You said you are already doing therapy, so hopefully over time that will help. I guess medication could also be an option if you feel like the anxiety is overwhelming?
Please take everything I say with a pinch of salt and if it's not helpful, ignore. I'm not an expert but didn't want to ignore your post as I know this board is not very busy compared to other boards and I didn't want your post to go unanswered. Wishing you all the best 💜

Didn't want to read and run- that sounds like a tough situation.
@ChocolateTurtle offers some good advice.
It's so hard when relationships are complicated, so having some time to think about the what is right for you is important.
Anger is an understandable emotion but one that we are often less accepting of than others. It's just as valid as the others.

From someone who lost their mom to cancer this makes me so sad and angry! Weather your close or not to be so careless about her is disgusting, she brought you into this world and provided for you and raised you! Be greatful and be there for her on her final days! Count your blessings while you still have her around! I'd do anything to have my mom