Feeling like a failure

[dixiechix1978]

I’ve got incurable cancer & will always be in treatment. The side effects are building month on month, especially affecting my mobility
I want to make happy memories with my ds, I want to see him smile. I don’t want him to remember tears, pain and sickness.
but everything is almost impossible. I’ve tried for weeks to book events, theatre trips, restaurants but there is always some stumbling block
I wanted to book vip tickets for a day festival (paying for all tickets ) but they said I couldn’t book blue badge parking
I wanted to book accessible tickets for a show, but again in 2 weeks there are none available, any night ?
I tried to book seats on a train but again you couldn’t ’book’ any at all and I can’t take the risk of standing.
I tried to use a disabled toilet at a museum and got tripped up and shouted at saying I wasn’t disabled just fat
I have all the cards, blue badges, emergency chemo cards
every just seems a battle and I ain’t cut out for fighting anymore
maybe my ds would be better with someone else now

Oof that sounds so tough, I'm sorry to hear about your pain.

Nothing you wrote makes you a failure. The sad reality is that society isn't particularly well adapted for disabled people. That's not on you. We will all get ill and face death at some point so I really cannot emphasise this enough: it's absolutely not a personal failing. It's just breathtakingly sad for you to be facing it when you have a child to care for.

I hope you don't mind me saying but I also think you may be focusing on the wrong things. Surely just time together is all he needs to feel loved by you? I don't think big ticket events are necessarily especially interesting to kids. Can you go to the park or read a book to him or play card games or computer games together?

I'm hoping that his dad is around if he's young. For both his sake and yours.

Don't overdo it here trying to be mum of the year. It isn't your fault. I have severe health challenges and it's worsening rapidly. I recently had to agree with child's father that it's best child is full time with his dad and that family unit there and I'm the side act. My child is doing pretty well with this tbh.

Alot depends on your set up with the father. But just knowing you're there and that you love them really truly is enough. And if you're no longer here, you did your absolute best for them but also for your own well being whilst you could.

Your last sentence is so sad
He won't be thinking that
It sounds so hard but he will love you

I'm so sorry, OP.

Can you make some recordings for your DS? I'm sure just hanging out and spending time will be all he could want.

@dixiechix1978 no way are you a failure! As pointed out, our society isn't cut out enough for challenging health conditions.

How old is your DS? X

Thanks for the replies
I know I can keep it simple
it just hurts when you see people achieve bucket lists and I can’t even pay to do things

I just wish I could sort something for us to look forward too. Something to make us smile. I need a hug right now, miss my mum so much. She died from the same cancer and I am terrified

Are you on the stage four cancer thread op? It's a lovely group of women who will be able to identify with a lot of what you're going through. It's on health and under life limiting illness and I think it's the top result.

I have an un-Mumsnetty hug here for you if you want it, OP.

Who do you have supporting you? Have the docs put you in touch with any groups or organisations that might be able to help out and offer a shoulder to lean on?

It's funny, because I've looked at those bucket lists people write in the past and thought how tiring hollow they seem. I don't know that hangliding or a fancy hotel in Bali are necessarily the dreams we think they will be. It may sound cheesy but our best times are often the small, in-between times - dozing on the sofa, playing with a dog, doing a jigsaw, going to the park. The point is usually who we spend them with, not how fancy the surroundings are.

What happy memories do you have from times with your mum? Can you make a list, write about them? Your favourite times.

I don't know how old your DS is, but I wonder if you could ask him what things he'd like to do with you. He might like to go to the playpark, do painting together, make up stories with you. It might surprise you. (Then again, he might demand a playstation and unlimited ice cream sundaes, which will prove me a liar. 😂)

I'm in the same position as you - incurable cancer and will always be in treatment

I am trying to create smaller memories - eg we are going away in the UK for 3 days and staying in an Air BnB place, and will go sight-seeing.
We have a relative coming just in case I am unwell, but its somewhere for me and my 3 DC to enjoy time together (dad is not on the scene)

If big ticket things are not achievable maybe smaller events like this are?