Feeling patronised

[bewilderedhedgehog]

Hi - situation is this: recent breast cancer diagnosis, awaiting surgery. Cancer has been found early. I would welcome views please as I am feeling very patronised by some of the team. I should add that to date the speed of my pathway has been excellent but the communication less so but I feel that I am being talked down to, to the extent that I am not really engaging with the nursing team. It feels trivial when I write it down, but as an example if I ask when results are available the response is bless you, you must be anxious etc but no answer to my question. If my male partner asks he gets a direct answer however. Another example, this week I pointed out that I had already had the tests I was booked in for. Then on the day of the tests someone rang to say I didn’t need them. When I said that I had already mentioned this she said oh you poor thing. I am sure everyone is well intentioned but it is really causing me issues. Are others experiencing this or do I just need to get a grip of myself??

TBH I think you just let it go over your head. Its not important in the grand scheme of things

I was diagnosed with and treated for BC last year. I do understand and empathise with you, I strongly dislike head tilts and poor you, preferring a pragmatic, practical approach. However, I recognise that clinicians have no idea what each individual patient’s response is likely to be, and the responses that may irritate you and I come from kindness and may help others. Do not get me started on patronising, mysogonistic doctors though…..

Do you have a named BCN that you can build a relationship with?

Hope you get dates and a treatment plan soon, that waiting period is v challenging

With respect, the team are also likely to get complained about if they are “too direct, not sympathetic enough”

there is no right answer as different patients will want to be spoken to differently.

I totally get you. I was diagnosed with cancer last year and find some of the staff very patronising. My Macmillan nurse was both patronising and down right rude and made me feel like shit every time I spoke to her. She'd loudly sigh whenever I phoned up. I probably called her about 5 times in total so I was hardly being a nuisance. I gave up in the end. I lodged a complaint about her but her manager just defended her and refused to look into it. I don't buy any of the excuses the other posters have given. Patients should be treated with kindness, dignity and respect which is in the NICE guidelines. I'm so sorry for what your going through. Having cancer is just the worst thing anyone can go through and it's shocking how lacking in empathy some medical staff are xx

Thank you all for your thoughts. It's really interesting to see the different views. Ironically today I have had a call from the consultant, as there may be spinal issues as well, and had a very good and direct conversation - albeit this was not news I was expecting or wanted!! I take the point above that we are all different, so I think I just need to ask for direct conversations as that is what works best for me. I'll let you all know how it goes!!

Some people are comforted by validation. Others need facts and concrete answers. I find spelling it out to the person very helpful eg I appreciate that you're trying to validate what you think my feelings are, but that's not what I need. What I need is an answer to my question. So how long before I get the results, and how will I get them. Who do I contact and how if I haven't heard from you?

Having said that I am on a waiting list for ASD assessment.

I always wonder about people who complain that they asked a question and didn't get an answer. I've been through the cancer treatment triathlon and never felt patronised, ignored or talked over. If I asked a question and didn't get an answer, or didn't understand the answer, I would ask it again. I also try to write down my questions in advance and write down the answers - perhaps this helps clinicians to realise that you actually do want answers, rather than platitudes.

Maybe the reason some people don't ask the question again is because they're afraid to do so. Some clinicians can be very intimidating as well as impatient.

I think the culture varies in different departments, and between nurses and doctors. The staff administering chemotherapy and radiotherapy who were overwhelmingly female, and almost all kind, expert and v responsive to emotional needs. The white, stale male surgeon HOD and the rowing for home tired male oncologist not so much. It seemed to be v hierarchical with little room for questions.

@sorrynotathome I went in with my list of questions, either I wrote or I had someone with me to record answers, and also used phone to record. I wrote up my notes to inform the next appointment. I am a confident, well educated professional woman, used to questioning and being questioned. At times I felt dismissed and patronised. To be fair to the consultants they did adjust somewhat when I made it clear that I wanted answers not platitudes. However, there was still a bit of talking over, don’t worry your pretty little head, and a v different attitude to my husband. The latter particularly infuuriated me.

The NHS is overwhelmed by demand, and clinicians know that sometimes suboptimal care is being provided. Some consultants do not take well to being questioned or challenged, particularly when they are fully aware that best practice is not possible.

Hedgehog, I hope you’re feeling less bewildered, getting more answers, are feeling supported here and in real life, and wish you all the best

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Dad said the dehumanising, overly sweet way the staff had of dealing with him whilst ignoring attempts to actually communicate, scared him more than anything else.

Felt like he’d been disappeared as a thinking entity and made into ‘terminal cancer patient’

Met some brilliant medical staff along the way too.

Practically, we found recording appointments a good way to gather information and to go over anything that was missed.

I think people are different, I liked the caring staff, it was the cold consultants I had trouble one and mine actually walked out after telling me I might have stage 4 cancer then said he was too busy to answer questions. NHS under awful pressure and most are lovely and helpful even in difficult conditions. It may be helpful to say I prefer as much info as possible direct answers or what you prefer.

I actually appreciated the mix of cold, factual professionals and the caring, huggy 'bless you' ones to pick up the pieces after I'd had the worst of the bad news.

The one I didn't put up with, the one I put in a complaint about, was the nurse who 'booked me in' for my radical mastectomy, who snapped at me for sitting down after my height was measured 'Did I tell you to sit down? Stand up!', who kept her back to me while barking questions and eventually reduced me to tears. I told her that she may be a well-qualified nurse but her compassion and caring skills needed some work - she walked out without a word and left me to process what had just happened. 12 mins later, a replacement arrived and continued my admission, making eye contact and treating me with respect. I passed my thoughts on to PALS at a later date and received an acceptable response.