Terminal cancer queries

[Greenme]

I have a query which I guess nobody can really answer. My DM and I have been NC for quite a few years now but she has contacted me to say she has terminal cancer. This is a complex situation with a lifetime of emotional abuse from her so please be kind. I am in turmoil and going through things in my head, and wondering if I want to see her or not. She lives in another distant country so it’s simply not possible to pop in and see her.

She has given the following information-

That she has cancer in three places - 1 lung, 1 leg and groin. During the last year she has had radiotherapy and chemotherapy, an operation to put rods in her leg to strengthen it, so I assume it is bone cancer in the leg (femur). No idea which is the primary cancer, but the first symptoms came from the leg which led to the other diagnoses.

I don’t know what she means by cancer in the groin - is this the pelvic bone?

The lung cancer has spread and the consultant has now said chemo will stop, there is nothing more that can be done, and she said she will eventually go into a hospice. This was 3 weeks ago now that she was told this.

She says she is only taking paracetamol for any pain she has, is getting out and about, and is determined to fight this. Then I get my aunt on the phone saying she’s not got long to live and moving to a hospice is not far away. I don’t know what to think or believe. Does it sound like my DM is in denial? I don’t understand how you can have cancer in 3 places, it’s spreading in the lung, and not have long to live?

I don’t know what to do; on the one hand she has been a dreadful, narcissistic bullying mother, and the other says she is someone who is dying and I should visit (which will involve a long haul flight).

Sorry you are going through this turmoil.

I think of a situation like this occasionally, having also been NC with both parents for a few years. I wouldn't go.

It depends on what you think there is to gain by going. Are you open to forgiveness?
Everyone becomes a saint when they are dying/die and all the bad stuff will be forgotten easily. After what I've been through this would make my blood boil so I won't be attending at end of life or any funerals personally, as a show of just how bad it really was for me and that all is not forgiven.

I hope other people come along and share different experiences and that helps you decide what to do.

It depends if you WANT to see her. Will you be beating yourself up over not seeing her when she dies? If you will then go. If you wont then don't

Do what's right for you, a lonely long haul flight is stressful on its own. I would keep in touch with your aunt if you have a good relationship with her. You and auntie can set up a video call if you want to see mum.

If you are going to go, do it for yourself, you were the bigger person in this and when the time came you were there. You’ve visited, your conscious is clear, you were there. If it’s a long haul flight; and you can afford it perhaps plan a little visit while you’re there?

good luck op

So sorry OP. I’d just say that whatever decision you make to see her or not see you will have to live with that for the rest of your life so think about yourself in this first and foremost. Lots to think about.
Also fwiw My DF has had inoperable (terminal sounds so end of life) cancer for over 3 years. In several body parts including spine, both lungs and bone marrow. He is early 80s lives alone and copes remarkably well! He does have treatment each month but it’s not invasive or brutal so he carries on with his life. Just to say really that you can live with cancer in several areas of your body and not be close to death.

Sorry you are going through this dilemma op which, without wishing to sound hyperbolic, is a sort of mental torture because. speaking frankly, whichever decision you make, you expose yourself to potential emotional stress. Even if you do nothing you will wonder “should I have done more?” So prepare yourself for that.

If you do not make contact you will perhaps wonder if you have missed an opportunity for reconciliation.

But if you go, there is potentially a risk that she will hurt you again and you will feel that you cannot speak frankly because of her predicament.

So there is no “right” answer. Just an opportunity to potentially say some words that have up to now been unsaid? And to listen to what she has to say.

I suppose it depends on some level whether the potential hurt of doing nothing is on balance worth the potential hurt of seeing her?

To answer your first question though, I would go with your aunt’s assessment. I’m not professionally trained, but in my personal experience, quite a few people have hope, and a certain degree of protective denial. Some won’t or cannot comprehend or accept that they will die soon. I’ve experienced two family members talking about new treatments etc right up to several days and weeks before they died.

@rumbypumby I don’t think I want to see her or attend her funeral and she certainly won’t have turned into a Saint now that she is facing her end of life. I will absolutely face a verbal ambush from her once she’s got the greeting niceties out of the way after a day or two. Aunt keeps saying but she’s your mum and you only get one, even though she knows what I’ve been through. Then she says well I suppose I’ll have to go and clear her house, sort her estate etc - but DM has a long-term partner who would do this, although legally I am probably her NOK as they never married.

It seems like what is best for me too is the last thing some people think of - it’s all just ‘she’s your mum.., as she is facing the end of her life you must act with only her wants/needs in mind.’

Even if I did go and see her when do you choose to go? Now while she’s still supposedly ok, or towards the end when she may be in a hospice? Funerals can take a couple of weeks to arrange and then finding out who is sorts out her estate? I simply cannot fly to her country for a long indeterminate length of time as I have primary-aged DC, the cost etc will be in the thousands for airfare and accommodation (I refuse to stay with her and there is no one else). When people live locally they just don’t have these considerations I guess.

@Blinkeredsoul34 yes it’s absolutely mentally hard, because what if I make the wrong decision and decide too late that it was the wrong one. As I said above, most people can only say ‘yes but it’s your mum..’ and the impact on me is irrelevant.

@Cuppateatea that is interesting that your DF is coping remarkably well. My best wishes to you and him that he continues to do so!

She doesn’t sound end of life if she’s only on paracetamol. I’d be suspicious it’s a ruse.

You can’t fight metastasises solid tumours for long, some lymphomas can be stage 4 and you survive.

My advice would be to make a provisional decision either way and then sit with it for a couple of days.
For example, choose tonight that you will not travel, and that you are going live with that decision until Saturday. This gives you time to think of some of the downsides and the extent to which they impact your mood.
then on Saturday switch the decision around And see that how feels. Then do the one that feels better.

OP you honestly need to do what's right for you. I personally wouldn't go. You're NC for a reason. Being cynical it sounds as though your aunt wants you to go purely so that she doesn't get lumbered with having to do stuff at the end of the day. Ignore all the "you've only got one mum" etc. She hasn't been your Mum for a long time! [Voice of experience sadly.]

(I’m a nurse with some professional and personal experience)
To answer the question about the groin, could it have spread to her lymph node there? That’s seem the most logical ‘groin’ related cancer.
I think pp make valid points - like only being on paracetamol and determined to fight it don’t sound end stage..so either your Mum is lying or your aunt is. IME with cancer, end stages can feel quite rapid. It’s not an up and down like other (chronic) illnesses. There’s a deterioration in function due to treatment fatigue and side effects, but usually once the prognosis is someone won’t recover, the very end stage is only a few days. Just a warning that you might get a call to say it’s imminent and it could feel very sudden and you may not have time to co-ordinate things to travel when it gets to that point. If you do want to go, soooner might be better.
‘You only get one Mum’ isn’t helpful when your Mum is toxic. Some decisions you need to weigh up. What would make you feel better/worse? Will it really help to see her? I think you’re correct in anticipation that she’ll turn on you. Previous experience - XH’s family have a turbulent dynamic. XMIL was unwell (possibly critical). Big reunion between her and her estranged DC (adult), next visit it was screaming at each other in the middle of the ward! XMIL recovered but family member went non-contact again.
If you think about the costs - not just financial which will be a lot, but emotional…will it be worse to see her out of a sense of duty only for things to go sour? Or will you feel worse if you don’t see her? Do you really think you’ll regret it if you don’t visit? I’m not sure you would. PP advice about making a decision and sitting with it is excellent.

💐 for you. Not an easy decision to make but remember you’re doing the best you can with the information and knowledge you have in this moment. Whatever happens, don’t put any blame on yourself.

Close to needing hospice care and able to manage on just paracetamol? That doesn't ring true imo. My DH is 19 months in to his bone cancer diagnosis (metastasised breast cancer) and is on extremely high doses of painkiller (fentanyl), not to mention the cocktail of other drugs to combat side effects of the cancer drugs. I know people experience different symptoms and levels of pain, but paracetamol? In one way she's fortunate if she's experiencing so little pain.

if I'd been NC for years and my mother was abusive then I wouldn't be spending thousands on long distance travel.