Mum won’t face prognosis.

[AfraidButTrying]

Hello,
I’m asking for advice from people who are living with cancer.
Recently, mum was diagnosed with a very stage cancer and was given a matter of months to live. This has come as a shock to us all.
She absolutely refuses to know anything other than her treatment options, which are very few.

I feel so scared for her. I know she doesn’t think it’s as serious as it is, because she keeps on talking about just getting through the treatment and resuming her normal life. That will never happen. I just don’t know how to tell her there’s so little time for her to do anything she wants to do, because she refuses to talk about it with me or any doctors. I don’t want her to have any regrets. I want us to make the most out time.

I don’t know whether to sit her down and insist on telling her or to just leave her be until the end.

I know none of you can really answer this for me. But any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I don't think sitting her down and insisting on telling her the reality is going to help; she knows. If 'denial' is what's going to get her through the time she has left, so be it. Support her and spend time with her; don't ruin your relationship with her. I wish you, and her, courage and strength.

I think I would be like that in that situation. Denial is a form of comfort and part of the grief cycle. Just love and support her and look after yourself as much as you can by accepting wider family help and support. Try and make some nice memories in the coming months. 💐

Honestly just go along with her. If that’s her way of coping then who’s to say she shouldn’t do that? Just go day by day and let her be.

So sorry to hear this 💐
My DMum was the same and never accepted what was going to happen. It was heartbreaking but would have been heartbreaking even if she had been accepting.

I think denial is probably a common reaction, and who can blame her? She is entitled to deal with such terrible circumstances in her own way but you could do with support too.

Is there a Macmillan or Marie Curie nurse involved in your mum's care? I spoke to the nurse privately and found it very helpful.

She knows how serious it is. She's choosing to deal with it the way she wants to, and that is her choice. You don't get to make that choice for her. She is in denial, but she is choosing to be. All you can do is support her.

She knows OP she's just protecting herself

Denial is common. She knows. She just doesn’t want to discuss it or maybe doesn’t want to face everyone else’s pain.
Just make your plans and your memories with her, ask her if there is anything she wants you to know. Tread gently and find support for yourself too.
ideally you want to know where she wants to die and get some info about how her death will occur eg what symptoms she may face etc and how this is going to be managed- will she need care at home? Have you got space etc or is there a local hospice… so having her permission to talk to medical staff on her behalf (if time get a POA sorted out) would be ideal.

So very difficult.
Perhaps in some way she might think if she's positive and focuses on treatment, she's protecting you too from the inevitability of the situation.

Leave her be, she has made her decision about how she wants to play this- and it is up to her.

It's her cancer and her decision about how she handles what's been told to her. Don't pressurise her to talk, she may not want to, she needs to have some choice out of a situation that probably feels utterly out of control for her. Leave her be, support and love her. That's enough.

Some people deal with a diagnosis like this by planning their funeral, sorting out finances, saying their goodbyes.

Other just get in with their lives and say “ I’m not going to let a little touch of cancer stop me doing what I want to do. “

Both ways are valid . Let your mum cope the way she wants to. I understand it’s not your way Op and I understand that’s hard. But it has to be her choice .

I appreciate you taking the time.
You’re right, it’s her choice and I need to support her in that. Thank you all so much 💐

I’ve watched both of my parents die of cancer and it became really clear to me that each person has to deal with it in their own way. It’s an incredibly complex experience and the most subjective and personal one any of us will ever through. You need to let her have hers.

for all of you who have lost a loved one to this terrible disease.

How are things today @AfraidButTrying ?

@AfraidButTrying I am in a very similar situation 😞 my mum thought she would have immunotherapy but close to the date she ended up in hospital due to too much pain and they scanned and the tumours had spread.... She thought they were sending her to palliative care to get better to then go back to immunotherapy but it seems they didnt... Three weeks later she's weaker and sicker... But still saying things like i hope I'll be out before two weeks when a nurse came in and said they would be on holiday for 2 weeks and see her when they got back... My dad is broken and lost and helpless as this has been going on almost 4 years although in 2 bouts... I don't know how long she has left as neither of them are talking about it or want to.... You have my sympathies - give me a shout if you need an ear.

Totally agree. You could ask to be referred to your local hospice. They are very supportive.

Tbh if you accept it or not the outcome is the same & it’s not your job to “make” her understand.