I have advanced (stage 4) though at this stage No Evidence of Disease, we’re waiting for it to come back basically. It might not but it probably will.
During my first round of treatment (stage 3) a few years ago everyone was amazing, so supportive.
Now that it’s back so many people have vanished. This is not to ignore the couple of people who have been absolutely AMAZING. But it seems that most people simply can’t handle it now and believe I’m done for. Friends ignoring and avoiding me.
I’m obviously self-aware enough to know that I haven’t been the most interesting person over the past few months (there was extreme uncertainty about what was going on, right until after my operation, and we’ve had other family issues, and basically I’ve been a self-centred bore). I do also realise that other people have issues too (and even just busy lives), which haven’t magically become easier just because I have cancer. All the same, I’ve been devastated by the response of one friend in particular, who didn’t really respond to my texts and even wrote “I haven’t got time to read all that” at one stage. I hadn’t heard from her since I told her the operation date and while I’ve been really, really upset about it, I knew that I was being a bit unreasonable. She works with cancer patients and probably has enough of that stuff at work.
I feel so sad now though. This past week I’ve finally started feeling a bit better following my surgery and DD and I went out for a few hours! Major excitement as this hasn’t been a possibility for so long.
Anyway, we had a nice day and on the way home ran into Friend on the train platform (she lives near that station). I didn’t pay much attention as I figured she wasn’t interested/didn’t care. She came over to us though and said hi, asked if she could give me a hug. I said no (I thought she meant could I handle it physically - I can’t yet). She asked if it wasn’t allowed and I stammered something about the massive scar on my back. She tried to make polite conversation, DD ignored her, I felt so uncomfortable. Our train came and I said goodbye and left.
I’ve felt so awkward, uncomfortable and guilty since then. I don’t actually know what I want from this post. I feel like I’ve done something terribly wrong: wrong for leaning on her (via text) when the cancer came back - which was clear by her lack of reply, wrong for not hugging her enthusiastically at the station today. I feel really lost with this whole cancer thing now and have no idea how I’m meant to pick up my life again when half the people I knew have dropped me and I’m not even sure how I’m meant to be acting around the others. I am aware I’ve fucked up with this friend but surely my cancer is about me? And she is welcome to take me or leave me? I just don’t understand.