Absent father

[Sammyspurs]

Hi mumsnetters.
Apologies this is a long one.. maybe not even in the correct thread..
I’ll start by saying that I’ve an incredibly funny, kind, witty, sports obsessed 11 year old boy. (Nearly 12) Whose father walked out on us when he was 4 years old there has been no contact since. (Nearly 8 years ago) and no relationship between them.
occasionally I’d get an email from the father asking how he was- never wanting to see him- until 6 months ago.
I received an email saying that he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and wanted to see his son- after talking to our son about this (not mentioning the cancer) he (child) decided that he didn’t want to meet up with him- completely his decision which I support either way.
I've recently had another email from the father stating that he’s roughly 7 months left to live and although he hasn’t asked to see our son yet, I know it’s coming.
I’m completely torn- I don’t want my son to resent me for not taking him to see his terminally ill father, however with all due respect- he doesn’t remember him or know him from Adam, I don’t want his lasting memory of his father being one of an incredibly unwell person. the father had no desire for any contact until he was diagnosed with cancer-
mum not sure what I’m asking- perhaps, do any mums netters have any advice?
sorry.

Apart from telling him it's Karma, I think I'd leave it. If your son ever asks in future, I think he'd understand then why you didn't say before, it would be totally understandable.

You need to tell your son the full truth so he can make an informed decision

Tell your son the truth about the illness and let him decide.

I agree with PP. ds is nearly 12 so he can make a decision based on the situation.

I would tell your son the dad has cancer or is seriously ill. I think my son of a similar age would be disappointed in future if he found out I'd kept that from him.

11 or 12 is still so young though, it will be hard for him to process and make a decision. But you have to tell him.

Your son needs to make his decision with all the facts, and perhaps by talking it through with someone neutral.

I don't think his 'Dad' deserves to salve his conscience by seeing your lovely son but it's your son who has to live with the consequences.

I agree that you tell your son the entire truth with no personal opinions given to him. Just explain that it is totally his decision and you support whatever he chooses.

You need to tell him the whole truth; it's his decision.

Yes this absolutely. He needs advice too. Is there another trusted adult he could talk it over with, as he may not feel comfortable talking it over with you.

Yes he absolutely needs to know the situation so he can make a decision himself. You cannot (and should not) make this for him.

Comes onto cancer thread to say someone with cancer is karma 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Agree you need to ask DS what he wants and give him the facts. I think it could be devastating to him at a later date that he father has died anyway, let alone if he hadn’t had an opportunity to see him. While that seems mad because of the (lack of) role his dad has played, our parents are hugely important to our identity and it would be normal for this to be difficult for Ds in the future. I also wouldn’t hang around - whilst they might say 7 months things can change and go downhill very quickly.