Wife has breast lump and awaiting biopsy result. Do's and don'ts of what to say to her?

[falstaff1980]

They said in the scans that it did look like a tumor, but if it was then at least it had been caught at an early stage. We've now got a nerve-racking week waiting for the biopsy results.

I read the NHS leaflet about breast cancer so am aware of possible treatments and operations. What I've said to my wife so far is to not let her mind be going down worst-case scenario trains of thought, and that because she's caught it early the most likely outcome is that by the summer all this will be in the rear-view mirror.

Any advice on things I should and shouldn't say, because I imagine some things that I think might be comforting might actually be the opposite?

Also, although I'm advising my wife not to follow negative trains of thought about this, I'm finding myself doing this at every idle moment, and feeling sick to the stomach with worry - it won't help her to see how worried I am though.

Ask her?

When I was going through this I didn't really tell DH very much as he's a worry wort and I didn't want his stress too. But I did fancy getting out for a couple of long walks and a nice meal and to talk about other stuff. So I said that to him.

I think just be very caring and attentive. Keep things ‘normal’ but be aware that she will be very scared so give her space to cry or talk and just reassure her you will be there every step of the way.

Just be a solid support and be strong for her - whatever that looks like in your relationship. For me it was my DH keeping me upright, holding my hand and making me smile at the right moments.

Good luck to you both. 💐🤞🏼

I had breast cancer - I would say ask you wife how she feels and listen, don't tell her how she should feel. Tell her that you love her and you will be there for her. Generally I would try and be in tune with how she is - if she's a very positive person be very positive, if she's a worrier be sympathetic. Distraction is the best thing. Hopefully if it is cancer and has been caught early it'll just be a 1 day operation and then maybe a weeks radio (which is really easy) and if hormone related Tamoxifen possibly or similar. And stage 1 survival rates are excellent.

Sometimes I liked best when my DH just held my hand and neither of us said anything but it showed we were a team and I had married the right man who would support me through it.

There's a lovely cancer support thread on here under general health. Its good she has a lovely DH though, that helps a lot.

Take your cues from her about whether to talk about it or not but be clear with her that you're up for discussing it when she needs to.

Don't Google!

It's hard waiting for results, but as soon as you get them you'll also get a treatment plan. The one thing from my experience is that your treatment plan can change. I was told to expect operation followed by radiotherapy, no chemo. After my tumour was analysed chemo was recommended and I wasn't prepared for that change, it came as a big shock.

Not all breast cancers are the same so your wife needs to find out what type she has as treatment will be different depending on the type and sub-type.

There's a thread for friends and family of cancer patients that might help you. I'll see if I can find it for you.

Hi op, I have cancer.
The worst thing people say to me is 'you'll be fine, don't worry' (it's so unbelievably dismissive and not always true)

I'd have liked to hear:
I love you and whatever happens I'm here for you
I know you must be scared, and that's ok
Is there anything you're worried about/ want to talk about
Is there anything you'd like to do to try and distract yourself for a bit
What do you need right now ?

Oh and offering to take notes at oncology consultations is really helpful, the patient doesn't always take it all in at the time.

I am 36 and currently have breast cancer - it sucks. I have one more chemo session then I will have a mastectomy and reconstruction.

My fiancé has been great, but from the offset I said I want normality. I don't want people getting upset and moping around me as it brings me down, so very few people know what is going on.

Ask her what she wants, how I deal with it is kind of by not dealing with it - but people are different

It's a scary time but treatments are much more advanced these days so prognosis and outcomes are far better

Don't say it will likely all be over by summer as she's caught the lump early. You don't know what you are dealing with yet. Hopefully nothing.

I caught mine early and it's a year of operation, chemo and radiotherapy.

Agree with this entirely. Until you know what you are dealing with, you can't make assumptions of when this will be "dealt with".

I found my lump end of August, didn't get seen by NHS until end of September, confirmed in October and treatment started mid November.

I have now have more chemo cycle to go, then surgery, then potential radiotherapy then another six months of immunotherapy- mine was caught early and it's still going to be a year of treatment.

Thanks all, turns out it’s a ductal carcinoma that should be responsive to hormones, plan is for and MRI and some more tests to see if HER+ or -, and then either direct to lumpectomy or 6 months of chemo first (if HER+). They were very nice at the hospital and things seem to be moving quickly (nothing like the nightmare waits I’d have with my father in A&E last year) - my wife does have BUPA with her employer but doesn’t look like it’s needed.

@falstaff1980 from what I understand, ductal carcinoma has a good survival rate, still an awful shock though - hope you're both doing okay.

Acknowledging and validating her feelings is key. I had invasive ductal carcinoma last year. After eight months of treatment I was all clear. The doctors told me from the start they would cure me. But I was still terrified about dying. When I expressed this, my partner rolled his eyes and said 'ffs you're not going to die'. He also expressed no emotion at what I was going through. He said he had to be strong. It seemed to me he didn't care. He's now my ex.