My mum has cancer in two places, our lives are upside down

[Thby2023]

I just need somewhere to write this because I need to be strong for my family. I’m 37 weeks pregnant, my whole world is falling apart.

My darling amazing mother who has always been so healthy. Never smoked a cigarette, barely drinks, healthy lifestyle etc.

Last week her face had drooped slightly. We forced her to hospital where she was told she has a small brain tumour. After a week of testing we are now told she has cancer in her lung which has spread to her brain. Nobody has said whether she has a chance of extending or curing etc (if anyone knows please don’t tell me I can’t face it just yet either way).

She looks and feels normal, this has probably been going on for years. My heart is in utter pieces, I can barely function. I was with her today when she was told. My partner came home from work because I just can’t even think properly. I keep sobbing. My son is here and I keep trying to hide it. My partner has had to go out for an hour and I’m literally counting the minutes down till I don’t have to have a level of functioning again.

I’m so scared, my mum is such a wonderful lovely person. Not that anyone deserves this but my mum absolutely doesn’t. Me and my sister are both pregnant. My dad won’t be able to cope without my mum. None of us will. Honestly (if I wasn’t pregnant obviously) I wish it was me instead. I don’t know how I’ll go on if/when she goes. I just can’t bare the thought of living in a world where my mums not in it.

Would sell my house, car, life etc to help this go faster but apparently private will take longer than NHS.

I just can’t believe this is happening. My baby girl is being born next week and I’m dreading it. I’m not ready to cope with a newborn and major op when we don’t know what’s happening with my mum. Honestly want the ground to swallow me up but I know I need to be strong. Sorry if this is rambly. I needed to put this somewhere.

Im just shut down or sobbing. I wish there was something I could do. I just can’t believe it.

I’m sorry about your mum. It’s all a big shock. I think you’d do better posting on the life-limiting illness board, as that is more for family members.

I’m very sorry this is happening and you’ve had a terrible shock, which you’re clearly reeling from

you have something wonderful happening next week and also for your mum, try for now to focus on your family growing and making sure your mum is part of that. I mean that nicely, take one day at a time and don’t rush ahead.

I say this as someone that has had cancer.

Please don't panic yet. They will come up with a treatment plan. And it may well be effective. So just wait and see what happens over the coming couple of weeks.

This part is the hardest.

As @CalamityA you need to wait until they come up with a treatment plan. And believe me, the waiting and uncertainty is actually the hardest part of cancer. I know this only too well.

You need to get a grip on yourself if only for your mother. Unfortunately, even the most clean living of us can succumb to cancer, I was one of them, and until I lost my hair, you would have no idea I had cancer as I looked so healthy and well.

Regrettably, lung and brain cancer can grow slowly and unnoticed for years. As the cancer has already metastasised, there is a possibility that the only treatment will be palliative. However, be assured that even if this is the case, it's not an immediate death sentence for your mother. I know you didn't want specifics but having been in your situation with my own mother, I wanted to try to assure you even in the smallest of ways that for the immediate future, you need to carry on as normally as you can.

As someone who is currently undergoing chemo (for breast cancer), I urge both you and your mother to contact Macmilllan, they are wonderfully helpful. Many hospitals have Macmillan drop-in centres too. Also, your mother will have been allocated a cancer nurse, so talk to her too.

Going private does not alway offer the best care, so do stick with the NHS, I know for me, they have been brilliant. Trust your mother is in very good hands and put yourself first for now, if only until the baby is born. I know your mother will want this for you, so please, concentrate on you and your baby, whilst still offering support for her.

Wishing you botj well.

Oh god. I am so so sorry this is happening to you all.
you must feel like you have had the carpet ripped out from under your feet.
there is no doubt this type of news is awful at any time but being pregnant adds another dimension. I’ve been there.

I agree with the previous poster that this stage of not knowing the treatment plan etc is an awful one. I hope you and your sister are able to help each other and find a way to relieve the turmoil.

I am desperately sorry for you OP and I'm sending good wishes your way xx ♥️

Thanks everyone. I can’t even begin to describe the intensity of what I am feeling.. the look on her face when she was told.. how she just looked so broken when she left.. how she told me how sorry she was. Honestly I can’t even comprehend what is happening. Nobody has mentioned her lungs..

Please know though that I have been brave infront of my mum, dad and sister and have been reassuring and positive thinking. There might be something on her colon, they might not but all her other organs look okay and haven’t been hit yet.

It’s the not knowing and what could be. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour last Friday on my 30th birthday. Just feels like a nightmare that’s not ending.

I’m not religious but please pray for my darling mum.

Its already stage 3. Press for a treatment plan ASAP. You are entitled to be upset but please relax to bring this new baby into a calm home.

Please can nobody tell me what they think of prognosis/stages etc. I know it’s out of kindness but I just cannot face knowing more right now x

I'm so sorry @Thby2023 it's a horrible place to be sat. I'm in a very similar situation (36 weeks pregnant, mum with a brain tumor)

I'm about a month and a half ahead of you in diagnosis terms, she has had the tumor removed, they act very fast from my experience. The plan to start treatment in the new year.

I don't know whats the future holds, but try to stay positive, I know it's not easy, believe me, I've had to take time off work to try and cope with my headspace. We've been allocated a specialist nurse for the family to talk to about things, she has been amazing, really helpful, hopefully something like this will come to you, or if you get offered some form of councilling/therapy take it!

I hope your mum finds it in herself to be as stubborn as mine. At the moment the only outward evidence of an impact on her is that she is annoyed she can't drive for 2 years...

I wish all the best to you and your family, sending love x

I'm so sorry to hear this and sending you my wish that your mum will recover

I'm so so sorry OP. I'm a similar age to you, and feel the same way about my Mum. She had breast cancer 2 years ago and I remember how terrified we both were. There's nothing anyone can say to make this better for you, I wish there was. But you will get through it as a family and she will be there to meet your little girl. I'm not religious, but will be sending your family all the good thoughts and well wishes

I'm very sorry OP. My dad was diagnosed with his 4th and ultimately fatal cancer the week my second baby was born. I'm not saying that in relation to your mum's prognosis, he had a different cancer and it was clear from the beginning that there wouldn't be a cure.

Remember that much as you love your lovely mum, you are a mum yourself and your babies will need you. That might limit what you can do for your parents, and that's ok. You can only give so much of yourself to other people.

Your lovely baby will be a bright spot to focus on for all of you, so lean into that.

Oh OP, what a lot for you to deal with. I can completely relate, my baby is now a few months old but my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last month. She's now had her operation and waiting for the treatment plan. Weirdly, life feels pretty normal again already- this is our new normal. You will be ok- this is out of your control now and you need to focus on your baby. Xxxxx

If I were in your mum's position, I would want my daughter to focus on the birth of her new baby, and on looking after herself and her own family.

You're in shock at the moment, but when you're able to, try to remember that the doctors and your father will look after your mum. Your priority is to look after yourself and your kids - your mum's precious child and grandchildren.

Sorry to read about your mum op. I do get how devastating this news is. Just here to say that my mum was diagnosed with very widespread cancer over two years ago. She’s very much still here and still having treatment. I will say prayers for your mum. But please don’t give up hope. Where there’s life there’s hope. And I say that as a nurse of over twenty years experience x

Oh sweetheart.

It’s not the same but my mum - half the world away is currently in hospital getting various tests done and all the sinister possibilities make me feel so yucky. I’m the only child tending to my two smalls two continents away.

And you’re actually there and you’re close and you’re pregnant. How awful it must be. It’s a feeling of physical sickness isn’t it.

I don’t have advice but I just want to say - as horrible as it will be - you will get through it. This too will pass. You will not feel this way forever.

by the way when I offered my mum for me to fly over (takes more than a day) - she said that the priority is that her grandchildren are not abandoned and looked after, and that they’re surrounded locally by a network of family and friends and she knows it’s us out here managing life and work Al by ourselves and That should be the focus.

same goes for you.

Sorry to also add -

As a parent, our foremost and primary duty is to our children. That limits what we can do and how much we can hold in our heart for others. Even our own parents.

now : you need to be a mum.

As an unwilling member of the cancer clan (x3) the only advise I can give you is this.

Don't borrow tomorrows troubles. Live (auto corrected to love, just as appropriate) in today. Today your Mum is ok. Tomorrow can take care of itself.

I wish all the best to you both.

Listen, sweetheart, for now your baby is your first priority. Nobody else can be there for her like you can. There will be other family members to support your mum. I'm a mum of grown up children and I would want my child to put their baby first and foremost.

Also, remember, you are very early in this journey and you don't have full information yet. It may not mean that you are going to lose your mum imminently; in fact I have a SIL who's been stage 4 for 12 years and somehow keeps fighting it off!

I totally get the look on your mum's face! Unfortunately my mum was told all alone when we 'children' were all an hour away, so god only knows how she took that. It was totally unexpected. She was then referred for an appointment with a consultant an hour away from her, and we went to meet her, only to find they'd taken her in early and told her that she had a very poor prognosis. It was hellish and I hope you never experience anything like that.

You need to have your baby girl, feel the joy of that, and allow your parents to experience that joy too! It won't all be doom and gloom; there are highs as well as lows.

One or more of your family may need to be an advocate for your mum in the scheme of things, but not just yet.

Try to concentrate on your baby girl, for now. Your mum wouldn't want anything else for you xx

Thanks everyone, thanks so much for sharing your stories. It’s reassuring to know people are still living. Will get through tonight and process, making sure i eat etc trying not to stress my poor baby. —— could do with a bloody drink though🙄

I really feel for you @Thby2023 and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this at a time that should be so positive. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer it was such a shock and so terrifying. I remember that panic and fear well. I didn’t think my mum would cope, I was sure I wouldn’t.

It’s as if you get on a merry-go-round that lots of others who have experienced a loved one’s diagnosis are also on. At first it spins so fast you feel you can’t do anything else but cling on. You stay on that merry-go-round and sometimes it slows right down as you get used to the current situation and is pleasant enough, but it never stops or slows quite enough to get off. Coming up to treatments and reviews it spins faster then slows again.

The thing is, you can be on that merry-go-round for a very long time. We hear the word “cancer” and we go straight to an immediate catastrophe but what you find out is that it’s not nearly so definite or necessarily so final. And you cope. It’s hard but you will cope.

My dad eventually died during lockdown 15 years after his first diagnosis. We adjusted, we managed, my mum did cope. How it panned out wasn’t what I expected in those first days. Tomorrow I am taking my mum for a biopsy of what looks like cancer. I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I do now know that I can’t guess how it will pan out and I can deal with it today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

I’m sorry to waffle but so many of us have been where you are and know how hard it is. You will find that as things become clearer in your mum’s case there is support out there from many sources and on here. Look after yourself and your baby 💐

Thank you. I can’t sleep with it at all. Feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare. It’s going to get worse tomorrow as she has another appointment but going to push for a care plan. I’m just so scared and can’t stop wondering what’s next. To be honest what could be worse than this?

8 days ago we were just a normal family with normal problems that seemed like shit then but they fade into nothing now. I’ve taken a baby friendly sleeping pill but it’s not done anything and I’ve got to be up in a few hours to get my son ready for school.

My boyfriend has had a few words with me about being calm for the baby because I got myself into hysterics when we were trying to sleep but I just can’t switch off.. so I’m rambling on here lol. Dunno just feel like my worlds been trampled. My mum must be terrified.

Honestly I get it. It’s like the world stops and you want to get off. My mum was diagnosed with cancer twice and I thought the same. You parents are often the most precious people in our lives, I would be lost without my mum.

right now you need to be tough for both your mum and your baby girl that’s coming. The doctors and consultants know what they’re doing they will put a plan or treatment in place and your mum will have an appointment and be told. I’ve also had chemo myself and it’s bloody awful so she’ll need everyone supporting her.