To not feel how I think I should feel?

[NeverAloneNeverAgain]

I've recently had surgery to remove a tumour from ovary. Opted for ovary and tube to be removed over full hysterectomy. Felt positive that I was able to have these discussions and still make choices about care when I felt completely out of control of life. The hospital and care is fantastic and I know I've been lucky and they're saying op was successful. Everything moved really quickly from scan to surgery and again i should be thankful there was no delay. I should feel grateful shouldn't I? I expected to feel relieved and happy that it was out but I don't.

I feel as though everything has been geared up to having the surgery and that once that was done I'd be on the next phase and focus on recovery and getting my life back. I've weathered some hard times before in life and always had the mindset that you just need to put 1 foot in front of the other and keep going so im frustrated im struggling with this.

I can't have more children which makes me feel irrationally sad - we have 4 and we'd already made the choice we didn't want more so there's no reason this should bother me, especially when there will be others in the same situation who might not have children but wanted them. I feel sad, angry and I suppose sorry for myself that I've been dealt this hand - but I know it could have been worse. I think I should feel grateful they caught it early and its treatable so why do I feel so low???

They've started a medical menopause with prostap so maybe that's contributing to emotional response? Sorry that was more rambling than I anticipated.

You've been through an ordeal and it's fine to feel however you feel. It will take some processing. There is no right or wrong way to feel, there is a lot of guff in cancer speak, someone is brave or fighting or kick cancers butt etc but in reality most people are just getting through it and doing what their doctor suggests whilst adjusting to this new often crappy reality.
If you are struggling call Macmillan and they may be able to direct you to some support near you.

It is completely normal to feel like this! (I have been told I have a lesion on right adrenal gland, now other worrying symptoms) so not as far down the road as you. I was nursing over 40 years and have had a lot of friends with cancer. It is difficult to see the positives, once you have got the mechanics (surgery) out of the way, like already having your family. You had your "life choices" taken from you, no-one wants that. Anaesthetic can leave you feeling depressed, going through a sudden menopause, when you didn't expect it. Most towns will have charity help, not necessarily for post cancer, but someone to offload to, the Samaritans, Macmillan,or possibly even a therapist if you can afford it. I think it's often easier to talk to a stranger.❤️

There's no 'should' with feelings. You feel how you feel. You are entitled to feel this way and there is no judgement. Even the most pragmatic person can be overwhelmed, and what you are going through is really quite a big deal. And, yeah, menopause, induced or natural, can really mess with your emotions.

You've got a lot to process. Can you access any talking therapies, whether through your treatment centre or separately?

I’m not surprised you feel this way; it’s completely understandable and your feelings are your feelings, there isn’t a should about them. You probably wont always feel this way but it’s ok while you do

If you can google to find your nearest Maggie's Centre . They are really fantastic for their cancer care and support .

Thank you. I've loads of leaflets and they've signposted me so definitely have the access. I think it's more the motivation and actually talking and acknowledging something that feels insurmountable. My family talk about how grateful they are and looking forward to Christmas 'without worry' and being relieved but I just feel like I'm falling down a black hole and can't quite connect to this perspective. I want to feel happy and positive too because I should be. I'm alive, I've had surgery and I have the opportunity to watch our boys grow and see them become who they want to be. These are all amazing things I wasn't sure I'd have. I feel like I'm wasting time feeling sorry for myself when I suppose realistically I'm on the home stretch?

So they think it's over and done with, but you don't feel that way. Excuse me, but who is the one being poked and prodded and chopped and drugged? Looks like you need a bit of empathy, but they can't see past their own anxieties.

Your reaction really resonates with me. You are in a state of shock; this doesn't disappear with surgery. Your response is totally rational. I can also understand your family's perspective, trying to cheer you along, but it actually really isn't helpful.

You need time and space to process what has happened to you. Only time helps really, and counselling really does make a huge difference. Being able to articulate what has happened, what has frightened you, what the after effects are, feels scary but is ultimately so empowering.

However much others want to cheer you along, it happened to YOU, not them. Your timescale is your own and you can't dictate it. I wish I had understood this when it happened to me. The best thing is to own your feelings, explain them and give yourself time - much easier said than done I know. Maybe you could say to your family 'I'm not actually fully well yet. I have a lot to process and don't feel like my old self. I'll get there but it's going to take me a bit of time'.

Some lovely and sensitive replies on here. Hope they are helping 🙏

Thank you all for the replies. It's oddly easier to reach out virtually. I'm trying to be a bit kinder to myself and just accept this is how I feel. I did speak to macmillan on the phone too and for anyone who may be nervous or hesitant about doing so the lady was wonderful and understanding. Feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time xx

There's a thread in general health called The Great Recovery, sorry I can't link because I'm on the app, it's for people who have finished active treatment and trying to get our lives back together, you will be in good company and very welcome!

All your feelings are completely normal and natural- everyone feels differently at different points, and don't under estimate the impact of hormones either!

I had a huge emotional dip after surgery and had come off hrt too. A combination of not being able to exercise, the huge hormonal shift plus a wealth of complex emotions hit all at once.

I sought some help from macmillian and had a fantastic counsellor. I also accessed some complementary therapies via a local charity.

Lastly, finding some form of Exercising is both helpful for mood as well as supportive for prevention of reoccurrence and meno symptoms, though must be paced. The recovery thread is a good place to explore too

@NeverAloneNeverAgain this resonates with me as well. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of September and had a lumpectomy two weeks ago. I've got a follow up appointment next week, I was told that in all likelihood, I would need 5 days of radio therapy and oestrogen inhibitors. After the surgery I was on a high for a few days cause I'd been so scared of it and like you I know I'm lucky in lots of respects, I'm under the RM, quick diagnosis, early catch, all v efficient etc. However, like you I'm struggling a bit with the lack of control and I feel that I just need to/want to carry on as before. I kind of want to pretend it hasn't happened but it seems impossible. I'm a bit older than you, 48, so done with having kids and part way through menopause. I was on HRT, now obviously off it, but dreading the side effects from the inhibitors to be honest. Also worried about radiotherapy and needing more time off work. TBH (know I probably have no right to) but I cannot quite accept that this has happened, I don't want to accept it and feel that I've had my share of difficult times prior to this. I hate the fact that it will always be on my records and it will always impact on other things. Also my DH and kids it seems just want me to carry on as normal and still expect a lot from me, which I want but dont want if you see what I mean. Sounds mad. As another wise poster said, I dont think the hormones help. Sending a virtual hug.

@Ikeameatballlunch what exercise do you do?

I had sarcoma surgery just over a week ago. Incredibly painful and the scar is pretty awful. I understand why you would feel sad. The surgery and post-operative recovery period can be a challenging time, emotionally and physically, for lots of people. In your case, hormone therapy will be adding to those feelings of sadness. I have been a bit tearful, and I am a very unemotional person usually who never cries. What I am trying to do is to focus on how I got to this place (the diagnosis) and what it represents for my future. I am trying to harness positive feelings about a future where cancer is managed (in my case, I have a now proven genetic predisposition so it will come back, and some suspicious tumours in other parts of my body to have checked out soon). I am trying not to focus on the fear, or the disability caused by sarcoma. I am going for planning future holidays, future house moves, and hobbies. I hope you feel better soon.

I follow the weight lifting regime from Moving Through Cancer with some weights I have plus some planks and yoga / physio stretches I know I need to do regularly for me not to seize up like a rusty robot. (Downward dog, cat/ cow, figure of 4, happy baby.) I've changed the lunges into carrying weights up and down the stairs (missing a step on the way up - it feels stronger somehow!) and slowly increased the weights. Between 4 and 2 times a week.

Then I either dance (as if at a prodigy concert, get out of breath ) for half an hour or go on the rowing machine a few times a week. Plus fast dog walking.

I spent a while here reading rowing threads before buying one. I'm really glad I did as I love it and it does build muscle which I really need to do as I'm hypermobile. I can also do hiit on it.

I think you have to work out what fits with your lifestyle. I know that I needed to be able to do bits here and there at home as the kids are young and time is short. I spent a lot of time reading and thinking around the subject as peri had left me struggling to do much of the exercise that I used to do - I especially used to like skipping and running but my feet and joints really couldn't cope now.

A friend goes the the gym every morning before work, but they have one DC and no dog to walk - I'm out at 6 am with the dog and then herding kids before school or escaping off to work at 7:30 am. (Currently not at work.)

I had radiotherapy a couple of weeks ago and so am only doing walking and weight lifting (as per advice in the book.) I've done a couple of stints on the rower but felt quite unwell afterwards so am leaving it a little longer.

I was on hrt too @Octopus45, it's really hard to work through these transitions. But I have found that paced exercise helps. I decided to take a chunk of time off to do so. Happy to pm.

There is a lot of support out there. Do contact macmillan who can arrange counselling - there are also a lot of courses around what happens post treatment as that's usually when you're dealing with the side effects plus the emotional stuff.

A local charity also offered acupuncture and massages which I found really helped sleep and to dial down the stress a lot more.

Thanks @Ikeameatballlunch agree that paced exercise sounds like a good plan. I've been walking everyday, but not my usual 10,000 steps a day. I'm back at work next week (have done a small amount this week), cannot wait to just feel normal for a bit tbh. I will bear the counselling in mind, I'm very up and down, definitely better mentally when I'm out and about more. How did you find the radio? I'm really hoping that I'll be able to work through it, I have managed to claim ESA for the three weeks that I've taken off though and they've told me that I can do that again if needed, just really don't want to lose my work. I've had a cleaner for the past four weeks, she's cleaning for me for the last time tomorrow, but has said that she'll be able to help me out again when I'm having radio.

I personally found actual radio therapy fine, if not relaxing, simply as they played lovely music and it was a very warm room. (I'd be prepared with leggings under trousers just incase it's not.) I wasn't tired during it at all. Skin was a bit ouchy though.

The day after radio finished I was extremely tired. Night sweats ramped up but that might be related to the lack of hrt and at that point being about 2 months into tamoxifen. Tiredness has come and gone for the last two weeks. I assumed it was a constant thing but it hasn't been; it seems to hit out of nowhere and I have to sleep. The second week was quite bad and I had to just resign myself to a lot of resting (Netflix) and naps if I needed it which really helped.

However everyone is different. I'm feeling a bit brighter this week (week 3) but the radiology woman said it could come and go in a similar way for a couple more weeks. Night sweats have stopped too which is nice (hope it remains like that!) A friend who had 3 weeks, had no impact from radiotherapy at all, another who had 5 days had to take two weeks off work and another has found it's lingered for a couple of months.

I used the cream they gave me (flammigel) afterwards immediately and it really helped my skin. My skin seems completely healed now. I'd been using aveeno blue and bio oil on my breast daily for the weeks before and I do think that's really helped. I've now added that back in on top of the flammigel as you have to keep that going for some time (though they don't mix v well!)

Definitely do your shoulder exercises regularly as I did find my shoulder stiffened up and cording got tight again.

Daily brisk walks throughout do seem to help imo. I've also been listening to upbeat music and avoiding the news a lot which definitely helps. I'd consider getting the cleaner back.

Hi thanks for this @Ikeameatballlunch , glad to hear that you are feeling brighter this week. I really appreciate the advice, the cleaner is definitely going to come back when I have my radiotherapy and I may even keep her on for a while after. My husband is weirdly coming round to having a cleaner, when he was quite anti before. I've just told him that getting back to work is going to be a higher priority than cleaning the house.

I will be keeping my walks up, I'm trying to get up to 10,000 steps a day again, Thanks also for the advice about the shoulder exercises and creams. I've got my post op check up at 3pm so really hoping that my treatment plan will have stayed the same.

Take care and thanks again for the advice.

Good luck - keep up with the moisturising and shoulder exercises.

I'd stick to walking for the time being; I think I started trying more energetic stuff after 6 weeks, though had some very annoying cording. Gentle Stretching and massages and sometimes a tubiband helped that.

Thank you @Ikeameatballlunch and for the advice about walking, managed just over 10,000 steps today.

I'm feeling very fortunate, my appointment went well. My margins were clear and my lymph nodes were negative (although there was one dodgy cell in one of them). I've been referred for radio and prescribed Tamoxifen rather than Letrozole, because I'm not quite through menopause. They will switch me to Letrozole when I've not had a period in any shape or form for a year. I've been advised just to keep as mobile as I can

@Ikeameatballlunch how are you getting on with your radiotherapy?

Hello, sorry for the delay in replying.

I'm glad that your results were positive - that is good news! Though I'll admit that's when I started to not feel how everyone thought I should feel 😂 my bc nurse said I should go and celebrate; that was the last thing I wanted to do!

I've been really washed out and tired this week, which is week 4, and my shoulder and neck has been very achey. It's all improved as the week has gone on though and I even lifted some weights on Friday and my shoulders haven't had as much of a hissy fit.

I've spoken to a couple more people locally I know who've had the 5 day accelerated radio and it seems quite normal. It's a bigger dose all at once.

But I do have hypermobility and hypothyroidism, and had a dose change there just before radio therapy so there's lots going on. You may fare better!

The advice to be as mobile as possible is a good one, strengthening joints and keeping them moving, especially for letrozole from what I can gather.

I probably mentioned before but the moving through cancer book is really good, as is 'get your oomph back.' Both have websites too with some extra resources.

Hi, not at all, hope you are looking yourself. I've got an appointment for a CT scan on Tuesday, so should get my dates for radiotherapy then. I'm having 10 sessions in total and will try and work, but will have to see how it goes. I'm struggling a bit with the hot flushes cause of the Tamoxifen, but have started taking Evening Primrose Oil, which was advised. Made the mistake of having a pint of cider and a big glass of sangria on a night out last night, didn't sleep well and have felt a bit crap all day, should have just had one drink, lesson learned.