help my stepson is a bully need ideas

[poltesco]

hi my dss 13yr has turned into a bit of a bully at school. he was bullied at primary ( no excuss ), he's always been such a caring and kind kid. he lives with his mum during the wk and with us at wkends.
due to the shool phoning and a mum in their village ring us, because his mum dosen't seem to be taking it seriously and just grounding him which doesn't seem to effect him. he is coming to stay with us to get it sorted.

i don't want to just ground him and take all electricals of him i really want to make him think about what he is doing and the harm he is causing, i'm thinking of making him right an essay on bullying but really need some help with ideas for it.
all ideas very welcome not just for essay but other ways i can make him see what he is doing is wrong!!!

What does the bullying involve? Is it physical? Can you get him to apologise to the victim/s? Is it more of a subtle "you can't play" type of thing? In which case could you get him interested in team sports and emphasise the importance of including people?

Does he need a channel for his energy, eg extra sports?

last term it was physical and we had him to stay with us. we made him apologise to the child involved and write a letter of apology to his parents. it all stopped so at the end of the term he went back to his mums.

this year it is verbal quite nasty comments and getting younger lads to chant aswell.

dss isn't into sports at all he is much more practical. unforntunatly there are no after school clubs of that kind!
it can't be that he's doing this for his dads attention because he hates having to stay with us during term time. we're vy strict compared to his mum and stepdad. both homes are happy and stable, there have been no drastic changes if any in his home life

Can you do the same again, ie get him to apologise? If it worked last time it might work again. But maybe you are thinking that since this is the 2nd time there should be more consequences? What about parent-imposed community service, such as going to an old folks home to do some shopping for them, or helping out at a homeless shelter? ...I just wondered if teaching him to care for others and show some kindness might make him realise how horrible his other behaviour is.

Good luck!

just to update have got dss to sit down and write very truthly to some answers on the reasons he bullies, how it makes him feel before and after, hows its affecting him and a plan of action to change!
it was explained to him that this is not a punishment but a chance for him to reflect on what has been happening. so far so good he is really thinking and opening up!

Good for you! Hope it works and he comes out of it happy and settled

thanks kitbit but definitely not an expert on mothering, just learnt abit from my 12yrs of nannying. but it dosen't prepare you enough for being a step parent( 11yrs ),i don't think anything can prepare you for that!
school are pleased with dss so far we'll just have to wait and see!!

Get him to read "Bully" by Yvonne Coppard. A very good novel for teenagers about bullying and the reasons/consequences. A teacher friend of mine studies this every year with her year 7 or year 8 class and they all really enjoy it.

thanks parisfrog well definitley get that to have a look at.

Try looking at assertiveness training.

It looks at problems with passivity and aggression both. No one is just one we're all a mix.

Very often the child really doesn't know clearly what it is they are dioing that is bullying.
They can see it as 'just mucking about.' Or they can feel it's no big deal because they wouldn't mind it being done to them.

They need to have it spelled out very very clearly.
No calling someone a name like idiot/ cretin/ stupid. Because no one is, people just have places where they're not brilliant but others where they are.
Learn to criticise by describing something specific. Say it in terms of 'I don't like that.'
No shoving, thumping etc.
No swearing because even if you don't mind, others do.
Plus open up the idea that trying to be 'clever' constantly is not really clever. It's frantic, knee jerk quite stupid behaviour.

Finally explore that putting others down, making them feel small, is the act of a weak person. A strong person is able to feel strong without doing that. The strongest actually act kind and help others feel better.

Most of all go through situations a child has lived through. Look at how they could do it differently. They're entitled to be irritated, exasperated, angry or fed up. But how they show it makes all the difference in the world.