Should I be worried about exclusion issues at nursery before reception?

[Justaminuteplease]

I have a 3.5 year old currently at nursery (a nursery attached to a primary school). She's been saying that no one at school wants to be her 'best' friend, and she doesn't want to go to nursery.

She had a very close friendship with one girl, let's call her Samantha, but that started getting a bit toxic (for want of a better word), and my daughter would come home saying Samantha said she didn't like her anymore. I've taken my daughter out with Samantha and her mum to softplay and I can see how Samantha gets a bit of a high out of excluding children from a dynamic.

In one of the earlier parents evening I had with my daughter teacher, she also agreed that the friendship was a bit too 'dependant', as she called it, and was looking to widen both of the kids friendship groups. Now I worry that Samantha may be excluding my daughter at school and that might be 'catching' where other kids start doing the same.

Obviously I only have my daughters limited ability to explain the situation to go on, and the limited time I've spent with Samantha and her mum at the soft play.

My question is - what should I do? I'm worried the behaviour might continue into reception and beyond, and i wonder if I should enrol my daughter in a different primary schothenat the moment shes been accepted at the primary school thats part of the nursery.

But then, I don't know how serious the situation actually is, and if it'll escalate, and if my daughter won't have similar problems elsewhere. She's a very sensitive, emotional and affectionate girl, and it breaks my heart to think of her being hurt by being excluded. She's also an August baby, so very young in the class, and with that might come a social immaturity compared to kids who are almost always full year older than her.

I want to chat to her teacher about it 1:1 but her teacher isn't the easiest to get hold of, and I'd have hoped that the teachers would be on top of this sort of thing.

I'll say this gently but you have years of this to come. Girls seem especially likely to throw the 'you're no my best friend/you're no coming to my party' around willy nilly. I'm a nursery teacher and I really wouldn't worry. Once the go to school friendships that may have seemed strong in nursery completely shift and change and they don't really get into their stride until Y1 if not Y2.
Try meeting up with a few other kids even if it's just an impromptu pop to the park after nursery and try and make some new friends.

Thanks for your perspective as a nursery teacher, that does somewhat make me feel better (and I guess worse as itll keep happening over the years). Is there anything we can do at home to harden my daughter up a bit so that it doesn't affect her as much? When she started nursery she was effervescent, confident and exuberant. She's definitely gone more into her shell, and she says she feels nervous at school now. I think some kids can shuck those sort of comments off, but its really affecting my daughter.

You're right, she herself is only three. I thought we had a couple of good years before any kind of bullying started - I thought at least my daughter would be happy at nursery.

I'll refer you to this: https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/all-about-bullying/early-years

Essentially it says that bullying at nursery is well documented.

I do hope that the teachers have a bit more of a constructive approach to bullying than you do. Although my fear is that they dont, which is why bullying is so rife at schools. When/how/why would I bully a 3 year old? What an odd comment to make. You're taking this very personally for someone who has absolutely no idea about any of it.

I'd suggest building up a wide variety of friends and acquaintances across different groups. Family, your friends kids, local kids, at groups like rainbows or squirrels. Give her praise for being brave or persevering, teach her independence skills and being proud of herself. At the end of the day some kids are just a bit shy or sensitive and some couldn't GAF!
My eldest could barely talk at 3.5 and went to school knowing no one. My youngest could talk but was selectively mute until he started Reception (still is in some situations). No matter what they are like you'll worry. You are a mum, its just what we do.

Thanks again for your input, and for understanding. She doesn't really have any cousins as neither set of uncles or aunts have had kids yet, and none of my friends have kids. She'll be going to swimming lessons starting this week, and I'm looking at a ballet class too, so hopefully that'll help.

OP ignore the strange defensive comments.
I hear what you’re saying and it must be horrible. As people say, and I’m sure you already know, this sort of stuff is rife with young girls sadly, and certain personalities can shake it off more easily and others find it harder. I think to answer your question the aim of the game would be to build your daughter’s self esteem in every way you can. This makes her less of an easy target and gives her the resilience to shake it off, and lessens the likelihood of any long term damage if/when she encounters bullying or general nastiness.

This can be done by joining clubs and groups, maybe like a drama class that builds confidence in speaking up. Or self defence classes. As someone previously said encouraging her to be brave and exposing her to books and tv shows and songs that reinforce this idea.
Also could consider holding her back a year as an Aug baby, which can be helpful in general but particularly if she seems sensitive to social dynamics. Being older in year would make that easier x

At only 3-4 years old they’re still learning about friendships. Proper cooperative play ie playing together with shared goals, social skills and communication doesn’t usually start until 4+ so I think you’re expecting too much of 2 nursery children. Not to mention that friendships change a lot in reception- by the end of the first term I was honestly struggling to remember who had been in the nursery class and who hadn’t. I would focus on your DD, not this other kid, and look to help her by widening her friendship group and developing her confidence. Organise playdates with other kids and maybe even invite boys to mix things up and have some less intense friendships. Signing her up for some activities would also be a great idea but I’d think about confidence, teamwork and speaking up for herself. Nothing wrong with ballet if she really wants to do it but drama and team sports would probably serve her better.

Thank you for your reply, that's much appreciated. I was hesitant about coming back to this thread after certain comments, but they seem to be in the minority. I've just signed her up to a marshal arts class for 3-6 year olds, and then she'll also have her swimming lessons, so that's two activities a week so far to widen her circle and get her self esteem and confidence up. Thank you again.

Thank you for your really helpful input. Actually, she has mentioned that there are two boys in her class who are very kind to her, so I might get her dad and the dad of one of the boys to organise a social thing. And in fact, it's just occurred to me that one of those boys will be in the same swimming lesson as her on a Thursday after nursery, so that works. I'll keep thinking of ways to get her in new circles and build her confidence and self esteem.

Op,

three year olds show a very very wide variety of social maturity.

some three year olds (mine) are still biting and hitting for example if a child takes a toy that they wanted to play with.

honestly if Samantha is “just” saying she doesn’t like your child that’s actually quite good for her age as at least she is expressing it verbally and not hitting or biting!

the best solution for all of this is for your child to know and experience lots of social situations so that she has lots of children she is familiar with and it bothers her a lot less when one child says that they don’t like her.

many parents try to socialise their toddler/pre schooler by taking them to stay and play type groups as well as junior ballet/rugby/swimming etc.

i wouldn’t consider changing the primary school she is signed up for (not least because this is very very standard behaviour and there will be several Samanthas in every primary school class) but it does sound like you need to build her friendship groups.

Thanks for your advice, much appreciated. Apparently 'samantha' has pushed over one other girl at nursery twice now - thats what her mum told me at that softplay session - the teacher took her mum aside to have a word with her about it. I agree that there is probably a samantha at every school, so no point moving her.

I've signed my daughter up to a weekly marshal arts class for 3-6 year olds and a swimming class. And I've given my husband instructions to arrange meet ups with one of the boys in the class and his dad, who my daughter has described as being very kind to her.

I wish I could wave a wand and make her not care about silly little comments, and imbue her with confidence and self esteem. But hopefully these classes might get her there.

Ignore any negative comments. You are a wonderful, caring mum who is concerned about her daughter. You are 💯 right to be concerned . When she starts school she will find her tribe. Some children can be cruel from a young age and unfortunately your daughter has encountered one of them.

Thank you so much 💓

Make sure that your dd understands that she doesn't need to try and be friends with people who are not nice to her.

And I have seen children of 3 & 4 be really spiteful to other kids. In once case it was clear she'd learned that sort of behaviour from her mum. 😁

Yes, good point around the not needing to be friends with everyone. It's a shame because Samantha's mum is lovely!