No school support and child being bullied

[FrazzledMum22]

My child is being bullied at primary school. It started two school years ago, but there have been breaks in it when the other child has been on a reduced time table or in break out rooms.

It’s flared up again, aggressive and violent behaviour and also negative comments. Sometimes another child joins in, so my child is dealing with 2 against 1.

My child has never baited or reciprocated.

Today, my child spent their lunch break dodging them, as they tried to make deliberate physical contact in a game of sport, so they couldn’t be hurt.

A meeting has been held with the school, but they’ve said there no evidence of bullying, and that my child needs to reframe the negative interactions and think about the other child’s perspective, who might be struggling to make friends, (although they admitted the child doesn’t want to be friends with my child).

They’ve said because of no evidence, even though examples were given, they won’t take any steps to separate my child from the other one.

My child’s options are to play alone, away from friends because they won’t separate the bully from his friendship group or risk being hurt (physically and emotionally).

I’m now at a dead end with the school - until the next incident….

How do I best equip my child to deal with the ‘playground bully’ when the adults around them are trying to sweep everything under the carpet?

How many incidents have there been in the two years?
Has your child flagged each and every incident with staff?

From what you have posted I cannot think why they say there is no evidence of bullying. Did you ask them why given the evidence you have?

Ah the lovely #bekind but don’t expect reciprocal behaviour…
A meeting has been held with the school, but they’ve said there no evidence of bullying, and that my child needs to reframe the negative interactions and think about the other child’s perspective, who might be struggling to make friends
the old “your child doesn’t matter, this other child does”…

Have you a copy of the anti bullying policy? I think this would need to be escalated to the Governors with a clear log of the incidents and exactly how the school have responded.

if nothing comes of this then I would move your child as soon as possible. I’m so sorry this is happening, it sounds awful.

The view was, that standards weren’t met in recent instances of physical aggression, but it’s not bullying. The examples of negative behaviour, which would be similar to harassment were part of playground behaviour he had to accept. Where my child found it triggering from incidents of repeated violence in earlier school years, the view was my child needed to get over it before they got older to prepare them for more challenging years.

How are things going @FrazzledMum22 ? We're in a very similar situation from the sound of things, bullying from a previous friend starting year 1 now year 3 and Dd is so anxious around this child that she doesn't feel able to be in her company at all. Her attendance is dropping too. We met with the head on Monday and we're waiting for a call this morning with a plan of action as yet nothing. The second time a promised call.jas not materialised.

I just don't know what the answer is. Dh wants to move her to another primary in the village but the local secondary is fed from this and her current school, so the chances are she will meet the bully again in a few years. Also not sure about the message this sends to dd, she has many other friends unfortunately the bully always tries to get in between despite being told by teachers to leave my dd alone

So difficult to know what to do for the best- have school been any more help now op?

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. We're currently at a standstill regarding a school change. It’s a constant debate in our house, with one of us for it and the other against.

Since there’s been no progress with the school, I’m looking into self-defence or resilience-building courses for children. Drama school was also suggested for confidence, though I know none of these truly solve the root of the problem.

Can you give an example of the bullying/physical aggression/violence?

Recent examples include being grabbed and knocked to the ground on several occasions and written harassment via notes.

This follows previous incidents in earlier years of repeated physical trauma, including the above and also blunt force contact to the face (using a foot and punches) and being chased and cornered to stop playing with friends.

The pattern is cyclical; there are significant periods of inactivity when the child is not in unstructured play periods, but the behaviour resumes almost immediately upon their return.

It sounds terrible op, I think however your thoughts on drama or maybe martial arts/self defence are a good shout. At the least it gives something else to focus on. It's hard but trying to reduce the importance of the bullies behaviour in any way I think is priceless.

We had a meeting with headteacher Monday and we're told we were getting a phone call with an action plan, this didn't happen and is the second time we were promised a call that didn't happen. I'm at a loss too.

From what you’ve posted it sounds like the child has SEND needs that the school need to take into account. The child may or may not have the understanding that they are targeting your child repeatedly, therefore it’s not intentional and that’s why the school feel it isn’t bullying. However it’s still an issue for your child as they are being grabbed and knocked to the ground so I’d ask for how that could be prevented in the playground. The school telling your child to get over it isn’t helpful.

If no joy, you could look to escalate the complaint - use the schools policy for this.

Written harassment via notes sounds very much like they know what they're doing to me

Sorry I’m no help at all but we’re in a similar ish situation with DS. (I say ish because my son has a fast temper and will react not stay away when things go wrong!)

DS is yr3 and the main bully is yr6. This kid has thrown my son to the ground, smashed his head into the floor, pushed him into walls/goalposts, held him against walls threatening to punch him and most recently has started strangling him.

I have spoken to the head teacher and he very much swept it under the rug. School seem to not really punish this kid at all and I think it’s sending a bad message to the kids. I overheard some of the older boys talking on PlayStation yesterday and they were really bigging this kid up “oh he never starts anything but he will ALWAYS finish it” like they think it’s cool 😩

It’s so hard, I wish I were in a position where I could move him to another school.

The school is being utterly useless. Bullying needs firm punishment. I’m afraid I don’t have much advice about that but I’m sure other posters who’ve been through something similar will be able to advise.

Regarding practical advice about what to do until the school gets its arse in gear - My opinion might not be popular but I’m a strong believer in standing up for yourself and never letting anyone walk all over you. The world can be brutal, and the sooner kids learn the skills needed to deal with it the better. My DS did Taekwondo from the age of 5. Now, at 14, he’s a black belt. It gave him a huge confidence boost knowing he could physically defend himself if needed. And that alone kept bullies away. Bullies don’t like confidence, they’re cowards, they like quiet, meek kids. I would find things to boost your dc’s confidence - martial arts, joining a sports team, or drama club. Learning self-defence can be a huge confidence booster. And of course, learning skills to physically defend yourself is really useful. I’ve always taught my ds never to initiate physical violence but if someone attacks him, he’s entitled to (an absolutely should imo) fight back with appropriate force. Many martial arts teach de-escalation techniques, with the aim being avoiding the fight at all costs. However, it’s v. useful to have physical fighting skills as a last resort.

I’d instil into your dc that no one has the right to hurt another person - physically or emotionally. I’d encourage your dc to feel appropriate anger about it. Anger is a necessary driving force sometimes. Once they feel angry they may feel better equipped to defend themselves physically or (ideally) with words. Words can be extremely powerful. Check out YouTube for videos on how to defend yourself from bullies. There’s some great videos on there with ideas on what to say in various situations. I was lucky enough to be a funny kid, I made everyone laugh so no one really bothered me as they knew they’d get verbally humiliated if they did, and everyone would laugh at them. One girl, however, did hassle me for a while at this music club I went to when I was about 10. One day my 18 year old sister picked me up. She asked me to point out the girl, went up to her, grabbed her by the arm and told her that if she ever bothered me again she’d break her fucking neck! The girl was terrified 🤣 and it worked. She didn’t ever bother me again. You might not get away with the arm grabbing now but if you think he/she’s the kind of kid that’d respond to it, a stern warning from you or your dc’s older sibling if they have one, might help.

Completely agree with @Seymorbutts re I’d instil into your dc that no one has the right to hurt another person - physically or emotionally. I’d encourage your dc to feel appropriate anger about it. but that’s not what’s being taught to dc at the moment in my experience. School were initially, “ah but” with the other pupils violence and “we’re working with kind hands” but my child pushing someone assaulting him away was not acceptable as “you should know better”

@FrazzledMum22 sign your boy up for kickboxing/MMA classes and up his protein intake.

He will learn skills and boost confidence (and make new friends) to be able to fight back. His fear is feeding the bullies. Once he starts fighting back, they will stop.

For heaven’s sake, get your child out of this school @FrazzledMum22

Your child will have lifelong psychological scars from this - just move to another school.

Take him to karate. It will give him a lot of confidence.

Thank you to everyone for the open and honest comments. This is difficult situation, and your advice has been taken on board.