Friends left me out

[Sengland01]

Evening, my friend had her birthday party meal booked for a sat afternoon but my babysitter couldn't work that day.

I mentioned this and said sorry I couldn't get a sitter and no one in my group of friends suggested I bring the baby with me anyway so I didn't miss out. It was a joint party as 2 friends birthday's are the same week.

Originally I had a sitter booked for the Friday night which was fine then it got swapped about a week before to the sat afternoon.

I feel left out and think if they really wanted me there, they would of said juat come along anyway as not a major night out and the baby is no bother.

Not sure if I should juat forget about it and maybe am over reacting. My partner works away so I don't have much adult company and generally feeling lonely. Feeling quite rejected. Is this normal?

Try to reframe this. You weren’t left out, you were invited. And it was you who said no.

Having children around totally changes the dynamic. But it’s not as if you actually asked if you can bring your baby and someone said no. They won’t be thinking about it as deeply as you. You declined because you couldn’t find a sitter. They’ll have thought no more of it.

But that said, I totally get how you feel. It does feel like a bit of a rejection, and, whether reasonable or not, I’d feel a bit sad too if I was in this position, so, sending love!

I don't think it's fair to say they don't match your values as though somehow yours are better than theirs. The two friends sharing the birthday celebration no doubt wanted a few drinks and to relax without their kids around, especially if some have teenagers and are very much done with the baby phase. There's nothing wrong in that, and I bet there's been many occasions where you've felt the same about going out. You also know your baby would have changed the dynamic hugely, because at six months they'd be awake and active at the table. It's not like taking a newborn along where they'd sleep lots in their pram.

And while exclusionary behaviour is considered bullying in schools, I don't think that's what your friends were doing here. It's a shame the date and time moved, but it doesn't sound like it was done deliberately.

Think to cover these questions.

It was a friday night and that was covered and wouldn't take a baby to that.

As was changed to a sat afternoon down the local pub that slightly changes things. No was drinking as we all don't really drink and everyone was driving.

I then couldn't get the sitter to swap to a Saturday as she was busy.

My older son is not confident yet to look after the 6 month year old for the afternoon.

I did say a few times in the messages to them that I was unable to change the sitter and sorry I would not be able to go. I don't think I could say can I bring the baby but was a little disappointed that they didn't say don't worry you tried to get the sitter to swap just bring him anyway as want to see you.

They know am pretty much by myself and enjoy that time with them.

I don't expect to be the star of show or overtake their birthday meal. Was going to go and give them their presents and the baby may of just slept for an hour or so.

Think as I said it's all about values and what you preseve as right.

On this occasion I would of wanted to see my friend regardless if it was my birthday as I don't see that as that important the more the years are rolling by, but more looking out for people and friendships as a whole.

Am not saying by any means their values are less than mine. Am just saying that's what I would of done and they can do as they feel fit.

Think will leave the discussion there.

Thanks all

Who was going to look after the 9 year old if you had gone and taken the baby? Not that it matters, just wondering.

I don't think your friends were unreasonable for not telling you to bring the baby. It does completely change the vibe if a baby is there. I know it's not nice when you have to miss out but unfortunately it happens sometimes. As a pp poster said, maybe have a look for other babysitters as well, so you have more options in future.

Only you know the dynamic of your friendship group OP.
You think it's a question of values, many here, and possibly your friends, will view it as a matter of logistics.
I don't think either perspective decides it...it's a case of same scenario, different opinions.

This is not exactly true though. OP was invited, organised babysitter etc. Then they change the date of the event one week before, probably because someone couldnt make it?
So when the date changed OP couldnt make it and all friends are just like “oh well, maybe next time”
Honestly i would also feel left out. If a set date is changed without much notice, then they c
should make sure they change it to another day thats suitable for everyone 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would not want a baby there at a celebration I am hosting on a Friday night. Changes the dynamic. You could have got an agency babysitter if you were that hung up on going.

I agree, this is not bullying.

Your friends didn’t leave you out - they invited you, you couldn’t get a babysitter so you couldn’t go. It happens all the time if you have kids and you don’t have family nearby who can help. Your friends will find themselves in the same boat when they have kids.