Friends left me out

[Sengland01]

Evening, my friend had her birthday party meal booked for a sat afternoon but my babysitter couldn't work that day.

I mentioned this and said sorry I couldn't get a sitter and no one in my group of friends suggested I bring the baby with me anyway so I didn't miss out. It was a joint party as 2 friends birthday's are the same week.

Originally I had a sitter booked for the Friday night which was fine then it got swapped about a week before to the sat afternoon.

I feel left out and think if they really wanted me there, they would of said juat come along anyway as not a major night out and the baby is no bother.

Not sure if I should juat forget about it and maybe am over reacting. My partner works away so I don't have much adult company and generally feeling lonely. Feeling quite rejected. Is this normal?

So many questions:

• Have they got kids?
• Do they understand the logistics of getting a sitter?
• Why did they change the date and time?
• Did you say at the time I've already booked a sitter?

Because if they changed it because friend A couldn't make it at the original time, but aren't willing to do the same for you then they value friend A more than they do you.

Not wanting a child there is more than reasonable. It’s their birthdays and a chance for them to have a break from mum life/kids if they have their own. It’s unfortunate you couldn’t get a babysitter but that’s life.

I agree with other posters...it's unlikely to be personal. You can't get a babysitter so you can't attend. It's an adult occasion so taking your baby isn't an option. Again that's not personal, it's just not appropriate for this meet up. No one wants a baby along for company.

This happens when you have little ones.

Yeah it’s not you. Babies at birthday meals change things. It’s just one of those unfortunately things that you couldn’t make this one.

You are overreacting

They didn't leave you out, you just couldn't get a sitter. It's perfectly reasonable not to want a baby at a adult birthday lunch, and it's just life that not everyone can make every event

Much more likely they were happy to switch once, but not twice which is reasonable, and so the OP lucked out, which happens.

Don't feed the drama

We don’t even know that anyone said adults only though?

In OP’s shoes I would have said that I’m considering coming with baby - would people be ok with that or shall I give it a miss ( no offence taken if people prefer adults only) .

My girlfriends sometimes said bring the baby and sometimes did not.

Sorry if you're feeling left out but i don't think that they did anything wrong. I don't think that setting or event lent itself to someone bringing their kid along if I was one of them It's not what I would have wanted to have happened either

I do agree with others. Why couldn't your 16-year-old have babysat?

As others have said. You weren’t left out, but your circumstances changed and you just couldn’t go.

That’s awkward and putting people in a position. If you say, I can’t come as I can’t get a sitter, the person organising can say - bring the baby. If they don’t, that’s your answer.

In our group, it was the same people who always tried to bring the baby, with only ever a half-hearted effort to get a sitter. Some people don’t seem to realise it completely changes the atmosphere.

dont do this. No one wants to have to say no. If they wanted it to be family friendly baby would be invited in first place. 🤦‍♀️

This is true. I typed before I thought here. We are a smaller group.

Gosh you have some mixed up beliefs going on here. You seem to have incredibly low expectations of the baby’s father and incredibly high expectations of your friends. That needs to be the other way around. The baby’s father has responsibility for the baby and to you if you are actually his partner but friendship has a lower level of responsibility for you. The baby would completely changr the dynamics of the event and unless it is a child friendly event then the baby needs to be with the other parent or a baby sitter. We had a nice mix of child friendly (baby friendly) and adult only events with small kids.

I think it’s better to assume that a birthday meal for friends is adult only than it is to assume it’s not and then to put people in the position where they have to say they would rather your kids didn’t come.

I would not want a baby at my birthday party so I think you're being oversensitive here.

You’ve been a mum for 16 years OP you must know that not everyone can always make it due to childcare.
If they have older kids and you’re back in the baby phase then I can see why you’ve taken it to heart as it must be a struggle to go back to this stage when you don’t have your partner at hand.

There is 5 of us in this group. It was originally for the friday night which was all covered then got changed a week before.

The baby is 6 months old. Think people have different outlooks.

I would have no issue if the roles were reversed and my friend suddenly couldn't come because I had to change the day a week before. Infact for me it's more about seeing the person than the actual event.

This has happened to me and next week my friend has not asked if she can bring her teenager daughter on a day trip out which I thought would be her and me but that's ok as I really want to catch up with her.

Guess it's how you view things and I will be attending baby groups from next week, so can make some friends in the same situation and go for lunch with the little ones.

I do understand it was their birthday meal but also understand the importance of friendship and I would not leave someone out if I had to change the plans or if they simply couldn't come because of this reason. However do see it from their point of view although it's not matching up to my values.

This should have gone in the AIBU section instead of bullying. This isn’t bullying, far from! YABU to think someone else’s event should centre around you. If you can’t make it due to childcare that’s not them leaving you out. You were invited you just couldn’t make it. Taking a baby is a definite no because it changes the dynamic of the night

Why couldn’t your 16yo babysit? I’d be frustrated they moved it but it’s just one of those things.

If someone cancelled a meal because they didn't have a sitter without asking to bring the baby, I'd assume they didn't want to come with the baby. I'd be happy for a baby to come along to anything I'd planned but I know not everyone is the same.
If you want to go with baby just put it out there. A message along the lines of you could come with baby but are aware some people might prefer a childfree meal so you will let the birthday people decide what they want you to do.

I did say it was not bullying was unsure of the section.

The 16 year old boy does not really know what to do with a baby quite yet if he's upset.

You're then putting people in the position of having to reject your adorable baby though.

....yes.....that's tongue in cheek.....

What did you want them to do - change the date or tell you to bring baby along?

I would have just taken the baby (depending on age (and temperament)), but maybe not stayed for the whole thing, it was a Saturday lunchtime not a night time event. Just leave when or if the baby gets cranky.

How much parenting does dad actually do if he works away and you don’t live together?
is he dad to all 3 DC?