I can’t get over it

[Welshie321]

Just want some advice really

My daughter is in Infants and has always been a popular little girl and I’ve had no problems with her in nursery or school. One of her friend’s mums turned on me recently and said some really horrid things about my daughter, calling her a controlling bully - with no evidence. School have never said anything negative and I believe it to be untrue. She also said some really nasty things about myself, I ended up blocking her number. I’m just finding it hard not to want to retaliate or warn other parents about her. I’m just so angry at the horrible accusations she made about my daughter and the nasty names she called me, I rose above it but I’m struggling to move on from the anger. Parents I considered friends will still talk to her and I don’t understand why they’d want to spend time with someone like that, but I know it’s not my business. Guess I’m just annoyed that there’s no consequences for her behaviour?

From bitter experience, teachers usually do absolutely nothing about bullying and quite often don't even notice it's happening. If the mother is angry enough to confront you, maybe just maybe your daughter is not the little angel you believe her to be?

What were her reasons for saying this stuff? Did something specific happen?

Mean girl behaviour is very difficult for teachers to spot and even harder to deal with, so the school not saying anythIng is no guarantee that something isn’t going on. the mum calling you names isn’t acceptable at all but surely you must be wondering why she is so upset? Have you spoken to school?

But what if your dd IS bullying her dd? What consequences are YOU willing to accept?

starting off from a ‘I don’t believe it’ view point is never helpful

This

The mother of the controlling girl in my daughters friendship group didn't believe it either. I'd speak to your daughter's teacher and see if she has noticed anything.

I
speak with the teacher first. Tell her you’ve had an unpleasant encounter with another parent and you want to find out the truth. Ask her to watch your daughter and report back. Not sure what else you can do at this point.

How old is the child? I’m pretty such infant school age would be deemed too young to have any concept of bullying.

Some spiteful comments here. I’ve worked in childcare for 25 years, I’ve even worked in a setting my daughter attended. She’s not a bully, nor do I believe 5 year olds can bully. This mother has been verbally abusive to me and called my CHILD names and most of you are defending the other mum? Says a lot about you. This used to be a supportive group. I think I know my own child better than a spiteful mother from the school! Thanks for the ‘support’

Oh dear op, you’re either not a genuine poster or you’re in denial about the situation. I find it hard to believe you’ve worked in childcare for 25 years and claim that 5 year olds are incapable of bullying because they most certainly are.

Did she say nasty things about you straight off, or after you said you didnt believe her? I mean, her behaviour was obviously unacceptable, but I know from experience how incredibly frustrating when your child is being bullied and the other mum refuses to believe it because "I know my child".

Again, not excusing her behaviour, but in one scenario she's got to get abloody grip, and in the other she's a psycho.

I can’t see any spiteful comments on the thread, only people advising that it might be worth you finding out a little more. I think kids can be unkind even at a young age. There are lots of books on the topic -
My-Secret-Bully-Trudy-Ludwig (very age appropriate)
Little Girls Can be Mean - Michelle Anthony

Yeah the girl who bullied me from primary school right the way through to the end of sixth form was her mother's little angel too. Her mum would absolutely defend her to the hilt just like you are here and refused to accept that she was a bully.

No one is saying your daughter is definitely a bully, they're just asking you to consider the possibility that someone you were formerly friendly with didn't viciously turn on you for no reason and that there actually might be something going on behind the scenes that you're unaware of.

And five year olds absolutely can bully. It's astonishing that you've worked in childcare for 25 years and don't know that.

Really sorry to hear that you experienced bullying for such a long period of time - I know how truly awful that must have been. My DC was bullied and it has had an awful affect on their mental health.

You have gone on the defence, I don't think anyone has been spiteful, they are simply pointing out that there may be more to this than you are lead to believe. Your daughter may act differently when you aren't there. There are already some "mean" girls in my son's class, and this all started around age 5 or 6, they may not realise their behaviour is mean , but they can be from a young age.

What exactly did she say your daughter has been doing? Have you specifically asked the school to keep an eye on the dynamic?

My daughter was bullied all the way through primary by a girl who was so very well behaved in front of all the adults but was awfully manipulative and made my girl’s life hell. Her mum denied anything of course, buried her head in the sand.

100% 5 year olds can bully.

Have you actually spoken to school and asked them about the accusations?
of course it's a possibility that the other child may have exaggerated or told a bit of a story, maybe they've fallen out in class and mums taken it the wrong way but then there is always a possibility that it is true, going on the defensive before you've gotten both sides of the story and input from the school isn't going to help anyone, including your daughter.
five year olds absolutely can and do bully, I've been witness to it many times they can be very sneaky and horrible at that age but it's the time to nip it in the bud, if it is happening, not brush it under the carpet.

I think you need to accept that something has caused this outburst from the other mother. She hasn’t randomly made those accusations. That’s not to say that everything she says is true or proportionate - but something has happened to spark such a strong reaction. I’m not surprised school hasn’t said anything; in my experience, they are dreadful at dealing with these issues. I think it’s a really sensible suggestion from the poster above to go and speak to school about it and ask for their help to get to the bottom of what is actually going on.

I think you need to chat to the teacher. Get some more information.
I get you are upset; but work out what's happened. For your daughter and you and then you can put it behind you.
There will be consequences for her awful behaviour but they might not be apparent to you.

I also find it hard to believe you've worked in child care for so long. I have literally just removed my 4 year old DD into another school because she was getting bullied and attacked.

bullies absolutely can start throwing themselves about and being nasty in reception. It's naive to think it doesn't. It's also naive to think your 5 year old is also telling the truth when they deny things. All kids lie, no matter how well you know your seemingly perfect daughter.