Feeling not good enough

[Lowwintersun13]

Hi everyone, this may come across as a “poor me” post, I don’t mean it to be….
I started in my current job about a year ago. I’m in my mid 50’s and am the bottom of the food chain in my job, I’m invisible. A couple of ladies there are very kind but ver glamorous. I can tell I’m looked down on my the other women who are financially better off than me (me and my partner work to survive, not work to live, no spare cash for anything)
when I started my job I was very confident but have been very overweight since menopause; NOTHING will shift it. I’ve had blood tests at doctors, everything is fine. I’ve piled on 5 stone very fast. I’ve tried fasting, diet plans, exercise classes, weight training classes but nothing. I’m thinking of looking into cortisol problems but my cortisol/adrenal function came back fine.
I used to wear red lipstick (red has always been my colour for lipstick and clothes and always had different headscarves in my hair but over the past year all I wear now is black. I noticed when I started work they would look at me with a look of wtf have you got in your hair, or wearing type vibe hence the now dull clothing but I do struggle to find nice clothes for my size. They are all very thin but it’s how they treat me. I’d never wear red lipstick now or put a red headscarf in, it used to look nice with my very thick naturally curly hair. They’ve made me feel ugly and unworthy. I was never the kind of person who would allow people to make me feel like shit or not good enough. They all go out socially yet I’m never invited which doesn’t really bother me as I am very busy with my friends and family, I just find it rude, bad mannered and very high school!! There’s one woman in particular who thinks she’s gorgeous, she’s not. But since they’re all on skinny jabs they are now looking really good. I can’t afford these jabs but also I’d be too nervous to use these jabs. The awful woman reckons she’s not using them anymore! Of course she is! She bullshits about everything! I think what I’m trying to say is I find it bullying but in a way I can’t put my finger on. Being left out and ignored can I believe be as upsetting as actual bullying. I could come to work wearing all new clothes and actually feel a little bit happy with myself yet no one says a word although they’ll compliment each other constantly. I don’t need validation and friends say get myself fit and slim; that’s the best revenge but how??!! How when I spend so much time exercising but never see any difference! I want to leave and find somewhere else to work. I’ve never before worked alongside such rude, passive aggressive people. Some days they’ll speak to me, other days I’m ignored totally. I don’t know if it’s my age? I am the oldest one there but why should that matter? I’ve worked with younger women before who were great to work with!
sorry for the long post, I just feel so ugly and invisible. I was quite pretty when I was younger, lots of people have told me and in fact, when these women saw my younger photos on Facebook they said god weren’t you pretty once. How hurtful is that hey?

I'd move jobs - your current job is obviously making you feel miserable.

Im trying to picture a red headscarf and all I can think of is a 1950s housewife in an American soap. I'd go online and get some inspiration for a new look to boost your morale.

That made me laugh! No not a housewife look, more Amy winehouse but without the beehive!! I, my friends and family loved my quirky 50’s look but it’s all gone now, just a scraped back ponytail now sadly. The job is crushing my spirit and soul. I do look for other jobs all the time but I think I’m too self conscious at the moment. I need a physical overhaul. I won’t use those jabs though. I just don’t understand why I cannot shift weight. I know they think I’m repulsive just how they look at me.

As a female scientist I have worked overwhelmingly with men. When having to mix or work with a group of women, unless they were academics, I have found them catty, superficial and back- stabbing.
Maybe I am a bit autistic - I don't know. But these days I dress the way I want, express my own opinions and know I am superior to such people...threat them with amused tolerance... and, to some extent, pity.

As a female scientist I have worked overwhelmingly with men. When having to mix or work with a group of women, unless they were academics, I have found them catty, superficial and back- stabbing.
Maybe I am a bit autistic - I don't know. But these days I dress the way I want, express my own opinions and know I am superior to such people...threat them with amused tolerance... and, to some extent, pity.

Oh I do!! I know I’m smarter than all of them!! That may sound a bit bigheaded but I listen to their shallow, banal conversation and just smile to myself! I’ve never understood unkindness; it doesn’t compute in my brain. I hear them backstabbing each other all the time! Awful awful women. They’re no spring chickens but I am the oldest, maybe that has something to do with it? Who knows. But it’s the first time in my life where I’m actually doubting myself. I never dare talk when they’re altogether and that just isn’t me. I think if I was thin I’d have such confidence. It’s hard going from a size 8 to a tight sized 18 in such a short time. I only leave the house to go to work. My partner does all the shopping so a pretty sad existence my life has become.