DD harassed by boys at school - advice needed!!

[kkkkkkold]

Hi everyone.

We really need some advice. Very concerned parents here…

We found out recently that our daughter has been misappropriated touched by boys at our nursery. They are all 4 years old. Luckily it was a short incident and she wasn’t hurt physically. She was quite upset after the incident and was crying. We were shocked to have found this out and are worried that this can happen again. The most frustrating thing is that she will be going to reception with one of these boys in September.

What should we do from here?

1. How can we help our DD better protect herself? We are worried that in a new school environment she wouldn’t feel comfortable telling an adult if such things happen again.

2. Our believe is that she should be separated from this kid at the new school (ie separate classes) but we are facing some pushback from the school which cites logistical issues. Are we being unreasonable? What should we do?

3. How should we speak to the parents of the boy? Is there anything we can do to reduce the likelihood of this incident repeating? It would appear that the boy has a bit of a history of bad behaviour.

4. What is the responsibility of the nursery / primary school in situations like this? Doesn’t seem like there’s kids have received any punishments for their behaviour.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

er, they're 4 and in nursery - exactly what punishment are you after??

What actually happened? At the age of 4 it's wild. My DD got bitten in nursery by a boy. Not pleasant but it happens.

What actually happened? How did the nursery deal with it? Did they take it seriously? Were there consequences? Were the boys’ parents told?

Depending on the nature of what happened, there could be a safeguarding issue that should be reported to social services. There can be a certain amount of “innocent” exploration at that age but it’s obviously concerning that your DD was deeply unhappy about it / didn’t consent, and the boys could have acted after witnessing something themselves (eg pornography or being themselves sexually abused).

What actions did the nursery take?

Agree that some more info on the incident would be helpful.

But ultimately, primary schools have to put children with difficult behaviours in a class with other children, so I can't see it being feasible to change your child due to one incident (if that's the full history).

You can practice 'tell the teacher' scenarios with your DD, and ask the school if they do 'stop I don't like that' or similar so you can get a headstart on that as well.

My DC's Reception class has a boy who has sudden physical outbursts against whoever is in his vicinity, including the other children. The school are putting a huge amount of effort into working with the child and his family - but ultimately the other children have to be in an environment with him, which means knowing how to tell the teacher, how to support their friends and knowing that hitting friends isn't a good behaviour. We can't all put our DCs in a different class to him. If it's very specifically targeted, repetitive bullying that would be different - but the info you have given us at the moment doesn't indicate that.

This really depends on what actually happened. If there’s any sexual nature to it it’s quite concerning even for the boy as something else might be going on in his life.

If it’s standard bully behaviour… my DD was very bullied and she is now adamant that it only stops when you give back in the same measure. Do with that info what you will.

So three boys surround my DD who was reading and then progressed to touch her private part (inside her knickers). She said no but they didn’t listen.

just found out today that this happened to another girl at the same nursery with one of the same boys.

the nursery reported one of the boys to MASH (social services). I don’t know if there were other consequences. Their parents were told but a different and lighter version of story by the nursery. I find that communication by the nursery to be quite misleading and does not help the parents know what their children have really done.

Oh God, that's awful OP. I'm so sorry that happened to your DD.

Don't speak to the parents. If I heard even a watered down version of that story, I'd have my child by my side 24/7 until I figured out where the behaviour was coming from. So either they're already in that mode and don't need you to talk to them, or unfortunately there's a likelihood they could be complicit in child abuse and talking to them won't help.

It's the playground I would be most worried about if I was you. With previous issue I mentioned, teachers have seen all incidents that happened in the classroom, but almost none of the issues that have happened on the playground (children have run and told teachers). I don't know if it's really ethical, but tbh I would be teaching my child some basic self defence in your situation, as well as practicing shouting as loudly as they can for help. Frankly, I'd rather they hurt the other child and get a suspension if that's what it came to.

Have you spoken to the designated safeguarding lead? I would be inclined to have an initial chat. Probably not much they can do about a disputed report that happened outside of school. But then you'll already know them if you have to escalate any further concerns.

Two more things: try to keep your emotions out of it when you talk to DD. She needs to know that you can handle anything that you tell her, and that she doesn't need to worry about upsetting you if she has to tell you something.

And I do 'kind/not kind' with my DD after school, where she tells me about both of these. Something I actually picked up from Mumsnet. It's helpful because it's not overly negative and you can focus in on kind behaviours, but also a prompt from minor friendship disagreements up to more serious incidents.