Have i raise a bully??

[Fancyabikky]

Hi.
I was bullied in year 7- the beginning of yr 9 when i joined a singing group and year 11 popular girls were like oooohhhh she can sing sing…..ok so they’d let me hang around them, if i had issues they’d step in. It filtered through school you guessed it i became a popular kid. Had a good set of friends and enjoyed the rest of my schooling socially.

fast forward to NOW. Im a mum to a 13yr old girl. Today Ive been summoned to the principals office about my daughters “unkindness” to another pupil who could be deemed as a easy target (my words not the principals) i bursted out into tears at the things my daughter had said to the girl. The principal was being kind saying it was unacceptable to approach said child in this way as she isn’t one to defend herself etc etc. so i said it “my child is a bully”
Ive never told my child about my years that i was bullied or how id sit in the library eating lunch alone all she knows is i worked really hard and this has provided her with a nice life.
i have how ever drummed it into her to not let anyone make her feel less than she is or take foolery from people…..has my parenting turned my child into a actual bully.
yes she’s very sassy and self aware but i can see through that and her insecurities- we live in a very rural area but me & partner and her her dad are from big city’s and she often associates with “city kids” - who even at the same age just seem a whole lot older and roofless.
not really sure what the point of my post is but any advice would be good x

You need to drive home to your DD the impact bullying has on children. You might be able to find some videos to help. Ultimately, making someone feel like absolute shit is such a wicked thing to do. Perhaps your DD doesn't understand this.

Why does she need videos when she can tell her daughter about her own experiences?

she often associates with “city kids” - who even at the same age just seem a whole lot older and roofless.

Roofless? Op read her the riot act, she's no right to treat other kids like shit. Tell her about your experiences and how it felt to give her some insight.

Well OP luckily escaped the bullying. But some who don’t escape it end up in much worse situations. Killing themselves for example. Lifelong confidence and self worth issues.

I don’t know what roofless means in this context. Clearly you have had a wake up call. Time to have a serious conversation with your daughter before she gets the idea that putting down others in any way elevates her. Empathy is a very important life skill and this nasty behaviour needs to be stamped on, hard.

Ruthless!

Can I suggest a book - 10-25 by David Yeager. It has a section on why teenagers bully, and how to redirect those emotions to more positive places. It did actually change my perspective a lot.

Do come down on her like a ton of bricks and make sure she's knows it is completely unacceptable. But I think please give yourself time to get past the "oh my god she's a bully" emotions first. You can't change what she's done, but you can help this to become the once-off that sent her down a better track.

“She’s very sassy” I always associate that saying to be a polite way of saying she’s a little bitch.

what “sassy” things do she say and do op?

I’m sorry @FancyabikkyI’m sure this has been upsetting for you but I agree with others that you need to read her the riot act and I’d also be adding some consequences for good measure.

Thank you all for the advice so far.
let me just clear some stuff up Ruthless typo through my tears writing the initial post.

• my daughter doesn’t have social media where as her friends (mostly city kids) do and I’ve first hand witnessed the horrific things that happen in group chats on snap etc etc. so when i say ruthless- i mean like its normal for them to comment not nice things about people or spread content etc. im very much trying to shield daughter from this unnecessary drama
• sassy….yep your right she can be a little cow bag!
• I have not in any way shape or form told her to treat people unkindly….it seems she takes on this “bad gyal ri-ri” persona and runs with it. When she’s 100% not brought up like that.
• oh she’s getting the riot act when she gets home.

thank you all again x

Yes. I was crying through typing. @OSU

I was bullied at school OP. And I didn't realise it at the time but as an adult I think I was also a bully on occasion. It's like I was 4/5ths down the pecking order but the 1/5th below me who I should have emphasised with I dismissed and were sometimes unkind to as some form of self preservation not to slip down to their level/ maintain my own low level myself. I don't recall ever really considering how I made them feel until I was fully grown. It wasn't targeted or all the time.

All of that to say she might need it pointed out to her clearly- immature brain and all- to really understand. And I wouldn't completely write off who she will be in the future- I feel I was a thoughtless teenager a lot of the time but I am a very empathetic/ caring adult now.

allegedly dd was working with another student and they passed comment on said girl (the one who is being bullied) my dd said to the other student “-leave it, because she’ll only go running to the principal & you’ll get in trouble as thats what she does because she can’t deal with her own issues herself”

no quiet taunting someone down the corridor but i definitely see the impact it can have on someone who isn’t able to defend themselves.

So do you know if the principal spoke to the other child that your daughter was working with too?

Is this all that she has said as it seems on the minor side of things? It's not nice but i've seen worse...

Literally i had the head of year call me yesterday to say can we have a meeting with the principal at 9am.
i asked dd what had happened at school. She was oblivious like “huh nothing has happened” partner spoke with her and she said she hadn’t gotten into trouble etc etc.
i was certain this meeting was going to result in suspension / exclusion.

when the principal told me what had happened i was upset, but also annoyed that it could have been a telephone conversation etc.

principle said she will follow up with other student to get their side of the story. Dd keeps a journal and had written down the incident and what was said.- no i haven’t gone through her journal she pulled it out in the meeting.

All seems a bit of a storm in a teacup tbh.
Maybe that other girl is a telltale who’s always running off to the principal? I don’t think what she said was too bad or am I missing something here?

Ok: very quick summary of the book I recommended.

Teenage brains go through a normal development period where they become hyper-attuned to social status and inter-personal power. As this is at a time when society doesn't give them much status, status within their social groups can become their main motivator of behaviour. Bullying is common in teens as a way of asserting social status - putting people 'below them' in their place and also testing out that feeling of having power over someone.

It sounds like your DD's social group have solidly established bullying behaviours as their social currency, so you need to be aware that this is what anything you say is competing with.

It sounds like she is trying to impress the kids she hangs around with, by having a sharp tongue.

I would definitely speak to her about her behaviour but I would also be trying to get her to have confidence and see that she doesn’t need to be horrible to have friends.

People may laugh if she makes a catty comment about someone else but underneath they will be thinking “that could be me next” and it will make them wary of DD.

She doesn’t want to be in a circle that depends on putting others down for its entertainment, those kind of groups always end up imploding and having dramas and bitchiness.

If she is 13 does her school mix up the classes next year maybe? If so it might be a good time to talk to her about friendships and finding a group in which she can be kind and relaxed rather than sassy and on edge.

It sounds like your DD's social group have solidly established bullying behaviours as their social currency, so you need to be aware that this is what anything you say is competing with.

Agreed

there was a group like this at school and they were horrible to people - but also, I don’t think they were happy in themselves

Maybe she lost hers in a hurricane?

fancy

I think the very fact you’re horrified by your DDs actions and will make it very clear to her it’s not acceptable means you aren’t raising a bully.

Kids will try out social skills and sometimes not the positive ones. It would be worse if you weren’t acknowledging and addressing the behaviour.

sorry you e been so upset by this but you sound like a good mum who will address this.

Yeah I kinda agree. You should know the demeanour of your child and how empathetic they are.

It’s all well and good to teach your daughter to stand up for herself but not at the expense of others. She has taken this to only mean one thing - that she is important and other peoples feelings don’t matter.

Nothing to do with rural or city kids and everything to do abiut being a good person and treating others with kindness.

No judgement! I was clearing it up for a previous poster who didn’t understand.