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Original poster

Seeking advice: school’s management of incidents involving SEN child

27 replies

Imtheproblemitsme788 · 14/04/2025 12:39

Hello,

I’m seeking advice on how to best approach my child’s school regarding their management of incidents involving my child and a SEN child in their class.

The children are 10 and in mainstream school. Since Reception class my child has been bitten, scratched, hair pulled, punched and more recently had objects thrown in their face.

My child is very forgiving and doesn’t like the idea of the other child having nobody to play with, so always includes them. They can play quite nicely together for short periods of time. The other child’s parents are also lovely and I do like them.

However the other child is quite possessive of my child, and doesn’t like it if my child chooses to play with someone else or participate in an activity that they don’t want to do. This starts with a verbal argument, escalates, and ends with my child being hurt and coming home with marks.

I have spoken to my child over the years about having empathy for the other child, how we are all different, having to find a teacher and take space from other child if needed.

From what I can tell, and appreciating I very likely don’t know the full situation, there has never been any real consequences for the other child, yet my child has been allowed to be verbally and physically abused on a regular basis during their time at primary school.

The situation has not improved over six years at school and escalated last week. My child was engaging in free play at wrap around care, building a structure, and the other child took issue with this, tearing it down as it was being built. My child persevered with the activity which resulted in them having the parts thrown in their face and the other child jumping on them, punching and kicking. My child left school with bruises to their face and body. I was told that the other child was asked to stay inside for the remainder of the wrap around care, and their parents informed.

The next day, the other child was asked to stay away from my child but followed my child around smiling and laughing, but not talking to them. I am struggling to have empathy for them now as it appears that the child is aware of what they have done, and also finds it funny. I have also witnessed them being verbally unkind towards others and finding this funny.

I have spoken to school several times and they have promised to keep an eye on it, but incidents stop only for a short time then reoccur.

I’m at a point now where I’m upset for my child and upset at myself for allowing this to go on for so long, but I am not sure of what I can reasonably ask of the school where there is SEN present. I am not sure of what the child’s needs are, only that they are present, I am also not aware that they receive any 1-1 support (forgive me, not sure if this is relevant).

How do I best approach school to determine how they will keep my child safe, what they will do to prevent any further incidents and how do I escalate if they fail to do so?

If you have read all of this, thank you! I hope I have worded this as intended, without malice to the other child who I understand needs support.

OP posts:
Peony1897 · 14/04/2025 16:41

Good grief OP why on earth are you continuing to send your child to school to be beaten up every day?????? That’s appalling, sorry. Your poor child.

Peony1897 · 14/04/2025 16:42

And who cares about the SEN element. It cannot be a factor at all in the safety of other kids. Stop putting other people’s kids first.

Anotherdayanothernameagain · 14/04/2025 16:44

You need to read the bullying policy and make a meeting with the head teacher to ask what they will be doing to keep your child safe.

Is the wrap around care run by school or a 3rd party?

beautyqueeen · 14/04/2025 16:45

Your child has put up with this long enough. You tell the school that child is kept away from yours, they have failed to safeguard her for 6 years. You tell your child to tell them to go away when the approach, stop the ‘be kind’ and protect your child.

Peony1897 · 14/04/2025 17:26

Anotherdayanothernameagain · 14/04/2025 16:44

You need to read the bullying policy and make a meeting with the head teacher to ask what they will be doing to keep your child safe.

Is the wrap around care run by school or a 3rd party?

They likely can’t ‘do’ anything, or at least not with a cast iron guarantee, unless the aggressor goes into solitary confinement which obviously is not an option

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 14/04/2025 17:36

I have spoken to my child over the years about having empathy for the other child, how we are all different, having to find a teacher and take space from other child if needed.

For six years you've taught your child to tolerate bullying. You can't blame the school for taking the easy route.

Start changing that message and telling your child it's okay to have boundaries, and roleplay how to firmly hold them. Then make sure your child goes to a different secondary school from their bully and start afresh.

SilenceInside · 14/04/2025 17:47

In a way, the SEN element is not relevant, it shouldn't matter why this child is hurting your child - the school should be dealing with it regardless.

The school sound like they are not able to manage this child effectively, and the same goes for the after school wrap around staff.

I would want an urgent meeting with the teacher and anyone else relevant, to ask them how they intend to keep your child safe. So, how will they monitor interactions and intervene BEFORE they escalate to physical violence. How will they be minimising interactions between your child and this child. I would be talking about safeguarding, and calling the physical attacks what they are, which is an assault.

User2346 · 14/04/2025 17:54

I say this as an SEN parent, your poor boy has taken enough and it is clear that the SEN child’s needs are not met by school. School need to be held to account and if they haven’t got an EHCP for the child then he clearly needs one. The problem with schools is that sometimes they play down a child’s needs to parents as they don’t want parents to apply for an EHCP. You need to start kicking off for your own child’s and the other child’s sake.

Anotherdayanothernameagain · 14/04/2025 17:54

Peony1897 · 14/04/2025 17:26

They likely can’t ‘do’ anything, or at least not with a cast iron guarantee, unless the aggressor goes into solitary confinement which obviously is not an option

Show quote history

There are lots of different things they can do.

Cheesesteakyum · 14/04/2025 17:59

In my experience with my own son who experienced similar, I started off trying to be sympathetic, speaking to the teacher and principals etc but it changed nothing and I mean absolutely nothing. Ended up having to nuclear involving head teacher and heads of education. We removed our child from school and let head teacher and head of education know, got called into school later that day for discussions and reassurances about what they were putting in place. It was really just keeping our DC away from the aggressive child and they also managed to manic up a teachers assistant to dedicate to the SEN child which I think helped. It didn’t solve the issue in the school as the child with additional needs was still there so general disruption and other children continuing to be hurt, but it separated them from our DC and we didn’t have any further repeat episodes as they were very careful to keep the child separated from DC as they know we’d kick off. Sad that you have to do these things but they rely on people not wanting to seem unsympathetic, it’s really not fair on all the children including those with additional needs as they’re not getting the support they need.

Original poster
Imtheproblemitsme788 · 14/04/2025 18:00

I’m glad you are all as appalled as I am. It has been played down by both the school and the other parents. I’ve tried to keep my post balanced but I’ve been especially furious since the last incident and enough is enough.

I’m trying to approach it in the correct way so it’s not dismissed by the school as I speak to them about this often and feel very fobbed off. If it was my child behaving like this, I would fully expect them to be removed from school but believe this is a very last resort for SEN children. Hoping someone can guide me.

To answer your points/questions:

  • There isn’t an incident every day, but it’s unacceptable no matter what the frequency. I speak with school every time, it stops for a short period but inevitably it happens again.
  • Wrap around care is ran by the school.
  • I have told my child to stay away, to tell them no they don’t want to play with them, and more recently that they can physically defend themselves with no repercussions from me but they will not. My approach is to be kind but take no shit. My child will stand their ground in an argument and isn’t easily controlled, but will not tell them to go away or physically retaliate.
  • After the most recent incident I have told my child they are not to play with them again (rather than suggesting they take some space), and rightly or wrongly told the other child to stay away myself when I saw them following my child.
  • I have read the bullying policy and it is rather woolly around SEN and references the Equality Act. Sorry if this is drip feeding but the other child is also previously looked after so the policy isn’t straightforward in this respect either.
OP posts:
Original poster
Imtheproblemitsme788 · 14/04/2025 19:07

Peony1897 · 14/04/2025 17:26

They likely can’t ‘do’ anything, or at least not with a cast iron guarantee, unless the aggressor goes into solitary confinement which obviously is not an option

Show quote history

This is very much the attitude of the school hence why I now want to take a formal approach/escalate higher.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 14/04/2025 22:43

We had an almost identical situation - there was reluctance from the other parents to acknowledge the SEN though. Once that had been addressed and the child’s needs were met better, the behaviour improved significantly.

in your shoes I would:

email a list of all the incidents you can remember with approx dates to start building a written timeline
ask for an urgent meeting so they can explain what they are doing at the moment to keep DC safe
at that meeting, ask them what the next step would be if these measures don’t work
then ask what would the next step be if that still doesn’t work
then you have a solid set of steps to move theoigh
follow up that meeting on email to get it all on paper

Stuff that they tried for us:

Bully had 1:1 (no funding until Yr6 - school provided this themselves) for all unstructured time as that was a trigger - so all breaks / PE were main areas
bully and DC sat on opposite sides of classroom
all teaching staff aware not to ever have DC and bully in same groups ever
lots of measures to help Bully cope better eg indulging special interests, separate screened off desk in class, quiet area for all breaks

When we reached the point that you are now at, and went storming up to school, DC almost visibly relaxed and we felt awful that we’d left it so long. Just seeing adults taking it seriously made a massive difference.

good luck

Nurse08 · 24/05/2025 20:32

Maybe have a word with the bully's ( yep, he's a bully) parents and explain that as the parents of this child who has hurt your child many times, they need to take responsibility and have words with this child so it does not happen again. SEN or not, this is not ok

Snorlaxo · 02/07/2025 14:07

Everyone with SEN being able to cope in mainstream is one of the biggest lies told to parents. It’s about saving money rather than trying to be inclusive - special schools have lower ratios etc so higher costs per student.

If a political party really wanted to improve things in mainstream schools then they’d invest in SN schools. The children would all be happier and the staff would be able to cope better.

YourGentleBluePanda · 14/07/2025 15:37

I have worked in a mainstream school as a 1:1 support assistant to SEN children for 10 years. Some have had EHCP's, some have just behavioural issues.

I have just resigned from this school due to no longer being able to watch all the other children's education being disrupted by these children and the Leadership Team taking precedence over these kids. They have the last say, not myself!

Children are punched and kicked, totally unprovoked because the child was 'unregulated' and I struggled to remove them from a class with 26 other pupils 'in the way'.

I act as a barrier for these kids, taking punches and kicks, being spat at and screamed at and yes, I understand thoroughly the struggles and anxieties these SEN children face just being in a school setting BUT enough is enough!

These kids are given 'reward' time for completing one activity, this encourages them to learn BUT the other children do not get anything.
There is never any serious consequence, they get minutes taken from their 'reward' time. When I raised my concerns about the fact there were no consequences, that I felt the child was getting away with kicking others, I was told by the Head it was unintentional so he wouldn't be taking it further!!! When a child twists his body and stretches his foot out to kick a child he is being carried past, that IS intentional.

The child who was kicked then watched the other child 'playing' in the special area, having a great time. What message is this sending out??

As a 1:1 (on minimum wage I have to add :) )
I do everything possible to keep these children calm and regulated so they can access learning in the classroom but it can take a millisecond for a child to suddenly 'explode' with rage, often with no pre warnings of their behaviour de-escalating, it's going to happen.

Stand up for your kids! It is totally unacceptable for them to be kicked and punched and have their lessons continually disrupted by a 'dysregulated' child. You have rights too, don't try and be politically correct or worry you may offend the parents... they're certainly not worried about upsetting you!

Like the parents of SEN children say, every child deserves be educated, yes! AND every child has the right to be educated in a safe place without being kicked, bit, punched by your SEN child.

Rachirooo · 17/04/2026 13:13

Imtheproblemitsme788 · 14/04/2025 12:39

Hello,

I’m seeking advice on how to best approach my child’s school regarding their management of incidents involving my child and a SEN child in their class.

The children are 10 and in mainstream school. Since Reception class my child has been bitten, scratched, hair pulled, punched and more recently had objects thrown in their face.

My child is very forgiving and doesn’t like the idea of the other child having nobody to play with, so always includes them. They can play quite nicely together for short periods of time. The other child’s parents are also lovely and I do like them.

However the other child is quite possessive of my child, and doesn’t like it if my child chooses to play with someone else or participate in an activity that they don’t want to do. This starts with a verbal argument, escalates, and ends with my child being hurt and coming home with marks.

I have spoken to my child over the years about having empathy for the other child, how we are all different, having to find a teacher and take space from other child if needed.

From what I can tell, and appreciating I very likely don’t know the full situation, there has never been any real consequences for the other child, yet my child has been allowed to be verbally and physically abused on a regular basis during their time at primary school.

The situation has not improved over six years at school and escalated last week. My child was engaging in free play at wrap around care, building a structure, and the other child took issue with this, tearing it down as it was being built. My child persevered with the activity which resulted in them having the parts thrown in their face and the other child jumping on them, punching and kicking. My child left school with bruises to their face and body. I was told that the other child was asked to stay inside for the remainder of the wrap around care, and their parents informed.

The next day, the other child was asked to stay away from my child but followed my child around smiling and laughing, but not talking to them. I am struggling to have empathy for them now as it appears that the child is aware of what they have done, and also finds it funny. I have also witnessed them being verbally unkind towards others and finding this funny.

I have spoken to school several times and they have promised to keep an eye on it, but incidents stop only for a short time then reoccur.

I’m at a point now where I’m upset for my child and upset at myself for allowing this to go on for so long, but I am not sure of what I can reasonably ask of the school where there is SEN present. I am not sure of what the child’s needs are, only that they are present, I am also not aware that they receive any 1-1 support (forgive me, not sure if this is relevant).

How do I best approach school to determine how they will keep my child safe, what they will do to prevent any further incidents and how do I escalate if they fail to do so?

If you have read all of this, thank you! I hope I have worded this as intended, without malice to the other child who I understand needs support.

Hi.

I've found this post because my son is going through a similar situation. A boy with send issues has been attacking my 8 year old for at least a year. Kicking, punching, strangling.

The attacks happen mostly when they play football together. They started to take their toll mentally on my son about a year ago. I let the school know. Lots of worry, not wanting to go to school etc.

The boy has a 1:1 who is now supposed to stop the boy joining in with their football game but she can't keep up with him. They tell me they keep them apart then proceed to tell me what a teacher saw when an attack was happening. Contradictions all the time.

The school don't tell me about the incidents or log them. I have to contact the school first. They've only recently started to say it is because the attacks are playful / normal play. I just couldn't believe this. The child attacks kids in his own class in the same way and the school notifies the parents. I don't get notified of anything so according to them, there is not an issue.

My son has been getting more and more anxious over this time to the point where he had a bit of a mental break down over Easter. He now searches for anything and everything to worry about. He's given up and stopped masking his anxiety - they see it at school now and are starting to act. They're not proactive though - just reactive.

I sound like an awful mum. We've been to look at other schools but they all say that going to their school wouldn't be any better (some even worse) and the waiting lists are so long. I feel like we're just going to have to battle on with this one.

I contacted a legal firm who said that it should be treated as bullying. It seems that the school don't see it as physical bullyng (even though it is - I've seen marks on his body even), but they should concider the mental toll aswell.

The boys are due to be in the same class year and my son is already worried. I'm trying to pressure the school in to starting the plan early now they've seen the reality of my son's worrying.

I just wondered if things improved for you and how you managed it? I hope you worked it all out because I completely understand what you're going through.

RandomMess · 17/04/2026 13:26

You need to use the phrase how are they going to safeguard YOUR child from injury & harm, that your child is being targeted by another at break times by others.

When they bring up the other child shut them down “that’s not my problem, you need to safeguard my child from deliberate harm on your premises.”

Rachirooo · 17/04/2026 16:53

RandomMess · 17/04/2026 13:26

You need to use the phrase how are they going to safeguard YOUR child from injury & harm, that your child is being targeted by another at break times by others.

When they bring up the other child shut them down “that’s not my problem, you need to safeguard my child from deliberate harm on your premises.”

Does the mental effect come under 'injury and harm'?

RandomMess · 17/04/2026 19:58

I would certainly argue that it does!

YourGentleBluePanda · 17/04/2026 20:15

Rachirooo · 17/04/2026 13:13

Hi.

I've found this post because my son is going through a similar situation. A boy with send issues has been attacking my 8 year old for at least a year. Kicking, punching, strangling.

The attacks happen mostly when they play football together. They started to take their toll mentally on my son about a year ago. I let the school know. Lots of worry, not wanting to go to school etc.

The boy has a 1:1 who is now supposed to stop the boy joining in with their football game but she can't keep up with him. They tell me they keep them apart then proceed to tell me what a teacher saw when an attack was happening. Contradictions all the time.

The school don't tell me about the incidents or log them. I have to contact the school first. They've only recently started to say it is because the attacks are playful / normal play. I just couldn't believe this. The child attacks kids in his own class in the same way and the school notifies the parents. I don't get notified of anything so according to them, there is not an issue.

My son has been getting more and more anxious over this time to the point where he had a bit of a mental break down over Easter. He now searches for anything and everything to worry about. He's given up and stopped masking his anxiety - they see it at school now and are starting to act. They're not proactive though - just reactive.

I sound like an awful mum. We've been to look at other schools but they all say that going to their school wouldn't be any better (some even worse) and the waiting lists are so long. I feel like we're just going to have to battle on with this one.

I contacted a legal firm who said that it should be treated as bullying. It seems that the school don't see it as physical bullyng (even though it is - I've seen marks on his body even), but they should concider the mental toll aswell.

The boys are due to be in the same class year and my son is already worried. I'm trying to pressure the school in to starting the plan early now they've seen the reality of my son's worrying.

I just wondered if things improved for you and how you managed it? I hope you worked it all out because I completely understand what you're going through.

Show quote history

Demand they are not in the same class. You're well within your rights to do that. The school should be a safe place for ALL children, not just SEN children.
A parent of a child in my class did this as her child was going through exactly the same thing. We teach our children to be tolerant and excepting of SEN children often to their detriment. Your child's situation is very common and makes me sad. Teach them to be kind but also to know when to say enough and that it's ok to walk away and that that behaviour from the other child is NOT acceptable. Bullying from any child is unacceptable!! Make your school very aware of this!
You are not offending anyone.

Rachirooo · 17/04/2026 20:46

YourGentleBluePanda · 17/04/2026 20:15

Demand they are not in the same class. You're well within your rights to do that. The school should be a safe place for ALL children, not just SEN children.
A parent of a child in my class did this as her child was going through exactly the same thing. We teach our children to be tolerant and excepting of SEN children often to their detriment. Your child's situation is very common and makes me sad. Teach them to be kind but also to know when to say enough and that it's ok to walk away and that that behaviour from the other child is NOT acceptable. Bullying from any child is unacceptable!! Make your school very aware of this!
You are not offending anyone.

Show quote history

It's a small school with two years per class so I just don't know how they'd separate them. I've already asked for this but it feels like I can't force them to do anything. They've said to cope with it or leave (in nicer words).

I have probably hundreds of emails where I've written to them about my concerns. Just before easter they said that nobody had witnessed any attacks, accusing my son of lying.

Also, just before Easter the little boy was running towards my son and my son cowered to the floor scared he was going to be attacked. A TA told my son off and made him apologise to the SEN boy. I think it broke him - He had a break down over Easter. I've never seen him so anxious.

I don't know how to approach it and to be taken seriously. I'm through to stage two of the complaints process but they want me to fill in a form on one side of A4. That's the only space I get to show how horrendous it's been for my son over the past year. I just don't know where to start. The head said I didn't need to and they'd just look through the emails - now she's changed her mind and said I need to.

YourGentleBluePanda · 17/04/2026 20:57

Have they called the parents in of the other child? Do you know the parents? Do you know if they've even spoken to the other child?

This is so sad and you must be at the end of your tether. You and your child are not being taken seriously. I understand that it is hard to follow through when there is no witnesses but if your son is that distressed can they give you any other reason for this?
Are there any children witness to it. From my experience when a child has 'broken rules' or bean mean to another they are often very keen to tell the truth.

Have you tried contacting your local authority? Or the governors of the school?

Aabbcc1235 · 17/04/2026 21:11

I’m the parent of a child with Sen needs, who is sometimes physical with other children. This sounds awful for your child, and I think that complaining formally is the right choice here.

Firstly I don’t think that there is anything that the other parents can do if it is happening in school. If he is 10 it is very very unlikely that this is a parenting issue, this behaviour is at least 5 years behind peers, possibly more. If “having a word” or “creating boundaries” or “laying down the law” was going to work, it would have happened by now.

Secondly it is likely that the behaviour is happening because he isn’t understanding the social rules here, and so your child doing their own thing is feeling threatening to him. He clearly needs a lot more support and supervision than he is getting. Complaining officially to school is likely to result in more support for him rather than less - complaining isn’t negative for the other child provided it is done privately. It’s reasonable to expect school to have a written strategy to protect your child.

I would steer away from describing this as bullying - this doesn’t sound targeted in that way to me - but I do think that you need to be really really clear to school about the other child finding this funny. That’s a really important part of what is going on here - they clearly can’t understand how your child is feeling.

If the other parents seem reasonable, they are also likely to be understanding of your complaint. I’ve met a lot of other parents whose children struggle with emotional regulation like this, and invariably they have a huge amount of empathy for the other child. It’s pretty rough when your child behaves like this, you can’t force school to provide 1-2-1 but are watching other kids get hurt as a result.

Aabbcc1235 · 17/04/2026 21:17

Rachirooo · 17/04/2026 20:46

It's a small school with two years per class so I just don't know how they'd separate them. I've already asked for this but it feels like I can't force them to do anything. They've said to cope with it or leave (in nicer words).

I have probably hundreds of emails where I've written to them about my concerns. Just before easter they said that nobody had witnessed any attacks, accusing my son of lying.

Also, just before Easter the little boy was running towards my son and my son cowered to the floor scared he was going to be attacked. A TA told my son off and made him apologise to the SEN boy. I think it broke him - He had a break down over Easter. I've never seen him so anxious.

I don't know how to approach it and to be taken seriously. I'm through to stage two of the complaints process but they want me to fill in a form on one side of A4. That's the only space I get to show how horrendous it's been for my son over the past year. I just don't know where to start. The head said I didn't need to and they'd just look through the emails - now she's changed her mind and said I need to.

Show quote history

For the page of A4 can you summarise the problems and then under each bullet point link to your emails as evidence? So. something like:

X regularly physically hurts my child
email 1
email 2
email 3

My child has sustained physical and emotional damage:
email 1
email 2
email 3

School have offered to protect my child but the incidents are continuing:
email 1
email 2
email 3

The outcome which I would accept is 1-2-1 supervision for the other child, or physical separation for the two children to protect mine….