Year 8 boys bullying

[CatsWhiskerz]

Bit of advice needed please, my DS12/13 is being bullied by some boys at school, they pick on him as he's ND and can stand out a bit, as he's very tall, bit geeky etc. he's always told me on the past, discussed with school etc. recently they've been pinching/grabbing at his bottom and he's been too embarrassed to tell me, but he did today.
Not sure what to do, he's had his bottom poked before, so it's at least 4 times now that 2 different boys (they're cronies) have targeted his bottom. They've bullied him in other ways too, they continue that stupid staring to intimidate him which can't really be proven.
DS did tell the teachers who apparently told him they'd 'deal with it' but they didn't get in touch with me.
Would it be reasonable to speak to school?, if it continues to happen I'm concerned that he'll react again (he had got extremely upset by being bullied by these boys last school year, as well as another boy who is a known bully). He's embarrassed by the fact it's his bottom bless him, but it's actually sexual harassment, so if it were a girl I'd bet there would be more 'noise' that literally nothing from the school to home
Thanks

Bumping for evening readers

Of course it would be reasonable to speak to the school.
Your son has told you about what is happening and how he feels about the situation.
Hopefully the school is already taking action after being informed about the situation by your son, but realistically a parent getting in touch should bring the issue to the forefront.
Try to ask what they are doing to help your son, not how they are going to deal specifically with the other children involved. However it is perfectly reasonable to ask to see the policy regarding how behavioural issues are dealt with by the school, should you so wish.

Depending when and where these episodes occur, ask specifically what they plan to do to prevent them reoccurring. If for instance the bottom touching occurs mainly in the toilets, or say the changing rooms you need to find out how they plan for your son to use the facilities without this happening.

Don’t be afraid to point out that this isn’t the first time your son has faced this sort of difficulty at the school and that he also has SEN.

Thanks @wovencloth - I guess I'm a bit worried that I'm being a bit of a helicopter mum but I'm concerned he's embarrassed and he shouldn't be, he should be telling people if he's concerned people are inappropriately touching him

I agree that this is serious and you need to contact the school. They need to put a robust plan in place to safeguard your boy. Please praise and reassure him that he has done exactly the right thing to speak out about it.

Thanks @EducatingArti - I'm waiting for the head of year to call me back.

Its sad to hear a story like this.

Don't worry about labelling yourself as an helicopter parent, I think it's being unfair on yourself. If you see your child in distress, believe it's something that isn't just general kids being kids and won't blow over anytime soon then you have to act.

What I suggest is query, question your DS a little but not excessively because they'll likely clam up. Just get enough information so you know what is happening.

Be careful not to project any of your anxiety regarding the situation onto him. if you do it will make him more anxious.

Behind the scenes you have to be very assertive and firm with the school telling them this bullying is unacceptable and it has to stop. Don't go into details about this with your son. Just say you've mentioned it to the school.

Thanks @Jonny234 - I did do this with him, and have phoned the school - awaiting the year head to call me back. I found an email I sent 6 months ago asking them to discuss sexual harrassment with these pupils, I wonder if they did this?! I don't want to get any child in very serious trouble, expelled etc, BUT they absolutely should know that it's unacceptable to touch anyone in any 'private' place, what one persons 'normalisation/ oh it's just poking / punching their bottoms, is another persons slippery slop to advancing further. Also I really think if this was a girl who was being sexually touched there would be more action.

Sorry to hear this story OP ..
I really feel for your son , that’s desperate carry on ..
He must hate going to school …
I’m glad he comes to you though ..
I’d be down to the school straight away
Arseholes , not acting on it already …
You have mentioned this going on since last year , Has your son shown any interest in moving school’s ?
Those horrible children will always be there & seldom change & everyone knows that’s true ..
No matter how much they’re spoken to they’ll try & find a way to intimidate your son without anyone seeing , that is the reality of it , I’m sad to say 😔 ..

Instal an app on your phone now to automatically record the conversation, then follow up any phone call with an email confirming what was said and what the school will do to safeguard your son.

Touching someone's bottom without consent is sexual assault surely?

Look at your school's bullying policy to see if they are sticking to it and quote directly from it if you can. Also mention the previous email you sent.

The behaviour is unacceptable and no it doesn't make you a helicopter parent it makes you a concerned parent and rightly so.

My children's school are harsh on bullying and have stopped it dead, they were absolutely great when it happened to both my children, I cannot fault them. Teachers checked in with them too to make sure it wasn't continuing rather than waiting to see if my child would report more.

Dear Lord this is vile - your son is being sexually assaulted and intimidated. It’s disgusting behaviour, please stand your ground for your son. Like you say, where does this behaviour end? Who else is being assaulted?

The kids should get in serious trouble, I wouldn’t feel any kind of way about it. Your son is the victim, if they get in serious trouble then good.

Your welcome. I agree with your general comments about it being unacceptable.

I'd have the call and if you arent satisfied ask the Head for a face to face meeting. Get in their face. Then just play it as you see fit, depends on what person you are. Sometimes in situations I can be assertive by speaking slowly and calmly, sometimes I just blow up (and I can add to the dramatic effect intentionally) to get my point across. Whichever is necessary I get my point across.

As for not wanting to get any other child into serious trouble this is not an issue you need to be concerned with. It's their problem and their problem alone. I'm the type of person who would in the circumstances would never explictly ask for it but would wish for the perpertrator to be expelled.

You've got to be fair to yourself. I genuinely always try and act honestly and friendly towards anybody, but if someone tries it on in whatever form and comes at me or my family they never like what they get back.

This made me feel genuinely sad reading your OP.

i know your son is 12/13 but I would 100% be pushing the school more here, being more aggressive with them to take action now and update. You informed them 6 months ago and sounds like they’ve done nothing 😢

is it a good school? Do you believe the staff will do anything? Does your son have any friends?
I don’t mean to sound dramatic but would you consider changing schools?

These kids sound like absolute little shits and I can only imagine how humiliating it is for your son to have this stupid behaviour inflicted on him day in and out.

I don’t have first hand experience as my boys are 2 and 6, but I’m hoping someone might be able to offer more advice. I would just continue to speak with school and insist they do something as a first step. If it doesn’t improve I would be considering changing schools tbh!

This should not be being swept aside by the school at all. You have every right to expect your son to be safe in school.

The staring you mention should not be underestimated at all. Many Neurodiverse children and young people hate to be looked at or stared at.
It sounds like this is something that they have identified as something that makes him uncomfortable and are using staring to unsettle or intimidate him. This is particularly cruel as they will deny it and it may be hard to prove.

Touching and poking can also go unnoticed in a school and can often be carried out by pupils that teachers would not have expected. As others have said this is sexual assault.
I have carried out school playground observations
(professionally) where the ND child has had a meltdown after being tormented. Sometimes the child is in trouble as staff have not observed the bullying. I have always pointed out these observations of course or had to intervene. Staff have even said things like oh it can’t have been X and I have had to say that I saw him/ her do it!

Does your son have somewhere to be during break or lunchtimes or does he want to be with peers?
I’d give them one last chance to take this seriously before complaining to the Chair of Governors.
You could also see if the SENCO is aware of what is happening.

Brief update, school is a good school, leafy town, very low crime etc (just for context as I went to a very troubled school so can see this kind of crap happens everywhere )
Spoke to SEND who knew nothing so atr investigating. In the meantime I've written an email to the head of safeguarding so waiting to hear back from them
Thanks for your support - I won't be backing down as feel it's dreadful we weren't informed especially as my ND child has had some awful episodes the last month or so and we're putting things together and suspect it's highly likely related to the bullying and sexual harrassment

So sorry you are going through this. Hope you get some answers and support.

Please keep at it, don't let it go and don't be fobbed off. Your poor ds, imagine going into school every day knowing you are going to be sexually assaulted! It's horrific.