Bossy daughter… help!!

[Iwannakeepondancing]

So my 7 yo daughter is quite bossy and likes getting her own way. She is very popular at school and has lots of friends and the teachers are happy with her, they say she’s advanced for her age and have no issues. Thing is, when she wants something she tries to get it. When she wants someone to do what she wants them to do, she can be forceful. Not physically but can get annoyed.

I have witnessed her do this at soft play when her friend didn't want to do what she wanted and she was stern with her! I told her this wasn’t ok and to be kind to friends. I always keep and eye on her and make sure she’s isn’t being unkind.

Her friends mum stopped me in the playground yesterday and said she’s coming home upset as my daughter can get angry with her. Said child is very sensitive and cries a lot. At many parties, school events etc she runs to parents crying about something and comes across quite alot younger. One on one at our houses they’re fine together and don’t want to leave! However it seems in group settings my daughter has upset her, so much so she wouldn’t go to a roller disco thing locally as my daughter was there :-( she is from a single parent family and is very close to her mum and does lack some confidence but I don’t want my daughter to come across as the type who prays on any weakness.

I feel awful that’s she made someone else feel this way and whilst the other girls mum acknowledge she is sensitive and they’re working on that, they felt we needed to know and I totally agree.

Both my husband and I have spoken to her about being kind, reiterated some kids are more sensitive and that’s fine and also that not everyone has to do what she wants them to do! I feel upset that she may end up becoming a bully and just after any advice please?!

I was the same at school, persuasive and assertive and too old for my years!!

Does she have any consequences for being 'stern' with people?

It sounds like a combination between your daughter is a bit overbearing and the other child is a bit of a drip!
Perhaps both need to tone it down a bit. Neither sounds evil! Probably just not designed to be friends.

this.

Of course which is why I said I always tell her if she’s been like this! She is just quite abrupt and bossy but I don’t think she truly means to upset anyone!

Yes I agree!
I am glad you say that as no one else has mentioned it and she’s very popular. At a party recently all the kids wanted to sit with her and were calling her etc. I guess some kids just aren’t meant to be friends!
We will still work on being kind and understanding not everyone has to do what she wants them to do!

She might be popular OR the other kids are a bit scared of her.
She might not have bad intentions but she IS bullying other children into doing what she wants and it needs to stop.
The good news is that you are aware of it and don't seem to be minimising

@Hoppinggreen I agree with you however, OP is persuasively and assertively turning it all around and convincing the other child’s mother it is actually her child’s fault for being too sensitive! And to top it all off OP thinks this over sensitive child is like this (as I see no other reason to mention it) is because she is a single mother!

OP reading your posts you come across as a bully and your DD is following in your footsteps. Unfortunately, this is usually the way it goes.

I think you probably have a point

'Telling her' obviously isn't doing anything. You say that she can get annoyed if she doesn't get her own way? Thats probably why everybody does as she wants for fear of her being annoyed at them.

Personally, if my daughter was like this, she would be reminded once and then given a consequence eg. sitting out from playing for a few minutes.

It's like you're trying to minimise your daughters bullying by blaming the other child for being too sensitive as she cries a lot and runs to her mother. You need to sternly tell your daughter to stop bullying people into doing whatever she wants.
All you seem to go on about is how popular she is, bullies normally are popular with kids as they're scared they'll start picking on them.

I agree with a pp. Being popular can be a sign that things are good, or can be a sign that she is making herself the ‘queen bee’ in a way that is sometimes quite unpleasant (ie by being the strongest personality that everyone else either has to go along with or risk being shut out of the group).
I see some red flags from how you are talking about it. ‘Stern’ sounds like you are putting a very positive spin on ‘bossy and controlling’.

Wow thanks!
Not sure how this has been turned around that I am the bully!!
I came asking for advice, how could you gauge from what I’m saying that I am a bully? I want to do what’s best for my child and others and that’s why I care!
I say the other girl is sensitive as this is exactly what her mother told me. I’m literally telling you what I see at parties etc.. she cries a lot (not due to my daughter btw!) and is very clingy. I am not saying this is due to her mother being a single mum I was giving background info. When her mother spoke she said she wants us to work together for her daughter to come out of her shell a bit and be less sensitive.

I have only witnessed my daughter being ‘stern’ with a little girl before once and we took her to the side and asked why she was talking to some one in that way, told her it wasn’t kind and not to do this again and we have never personally witnessed it again.

we have been talking to her ever since about this and how it isn’t nice to force kids to do what she wants! She has given me an example that happened yesterday when said girl wanted to take something off her at school and when she said no, the girl cried and ran away. My daughter said she offered to share half of (the crayons) but said not all of them as she was playing with them but that wasn’t enough.

I think you are doing the right things OP. The incident you witnessed you took your DD aside and corrected her on her behaviour. You haven't witness it again.
My question would be what are the school doing if the other child is coming home from school upset. You can't police what goes on at school as you are not there.

I'm finding 7 years a hard year (DS). We also have issues at school with behaviour we do not see at home. Anything remotely near it we correct with 2 warnings and a consequence. MN wasn't very helpful when I posted about it once as apparently my child is obviously just a bad child.

Thank you for this! I came to ask for help not to say my daughter is an angel! She isn’t horrible though and I know she isn’t, she just needs some guidance. I don’t think the other mother has talked to the school as they spoke to us first as we are quite good friends. I may speak to the school and see what they say as it may allay my fears if this is a regular thing with just this child or if it’s a bigger issue but at parent's evening a few weeks ago, I asked how she was getting on and who her friends were and were there issues and they said no she’s actually very kind and helpful!

My Dd was like this as a child. Firstly I hate the word “bossy”. It’s only ever used for girls so it is misogynistic and we all need to stop using it.

With my Dd I used to tell her I was going to mirror her assertiveness and to tell me how she felt while I was doing it. So I’d say something like “I want to play with the jigsaws, oh you don’t want to, but I do, please play with me, but I want you to play with me, that’s not fair etc etc etc.” Keep reminding her that she has to take others opinions/feelings into account.

I also don’t like it but wasn’t sure how to word it!

Thanks for this!

Same sort of situation we have....although with my DS it can be physical (boys apparently tend to be more physically then girls according to the school). Not just him, about 5-6 of the boys in his class! Things like too hard pushing in tag, play fighting, pushing when annoyed or retaliating behaviour given to him.

I'd say if the school haven't noticed anything then her behaviour probably isn't the issue. If the other child was upset regularly or your daughter was bordering on bullying, they would notice. And they would have raised it. They will have an overall picture of what is going on between them and making a decision if the other child comes to them upset.

There really isn't much more you can do if the school also are not correcting the behaviour or see it as an issue at all. You can't give your daughter a consequence for something that may have happened at school. You can follow the schools lead and follow through with if they issue a consequence (I do this).

I would point out to my DD, if this was her, that there is a fine line between ‘persuading’ and ‘asserting’ and being hard work as a friend. Relationships mean compromise so it’s a good skill to learn. We don’t always have to be right, or in charge, or win. Those elements of life can be very very important to some children (and adults lol).

I would also allow myself to admit that my kids don’t always tell the entire story. Some children are amazing at turning things around. I’ve got one of each, a ‘who me?’ spinner and a ‘it was me!’ blurter, and it can be so tempting to believe the spin, but I have found the truth is often less favourable than I’d like. Doesn’t mean they’re a liar or a bad person though. Just means they caught on quicker how to balance the facts in their favour.

None of this next paragraph is directly about your DD. It’s just a general observation.

Popularity doesn’t mean there’s no issue
with behaviour. Popularity can also sometimes stem from other kids’ sense of self-preservation. Sometimes we like people who other people like because it’s risky to be different. Sometimes we don’t want to find out what it’s like to be outside the group.

I wouldn’t bank too hard on the fact the school have not observed there’s a problem. Sadly schools are not all great at noticing the little moments. If a problem is subtle or just starting it may well go under the radar. A mum has come to you with a problem in a nice way because she likes you and hopes you can sort it. Understandably, she’s wondering if some of this is that the little girl is more sensitive than most. Little pal may be in need of extra support to build confidence and your daughter may be a bit robust on the leadership front, doesn’t need to be either/or. Maybe they don’t gel too well but again, doesn’t mean there isn’t stuff to look at.

The fact the little girls get on well one-to-one but the other girl doesn’t want to go to a party where DD will be is making me wonder why? I doubt they’d articulate this psychology themselves but if one child is happy to play with another in a twosome but not in a wider gathering, that indicates group dynamics are somehow changing things for the worse, perhaps? It’d be interesting to know what the little girl felt might happen at the roller-skating party and what she was hoping to avoid.

However, it’s not your DD’s fault she is well-liked, she’s only small, and sounds an intelligent, friendly girl. And persuasion and confidence and assertiveness are valuable characteristics, it’s just about finding a balance.

A child of 7 should not be being abrupt and bossy to anybody.

Thanks that’s helpful!

My DD was like this at 7, I used to be aghast when I heard her talking to her friends. Of course, we always spoke to her about it. She grew out of it.