Daughter keeps being unkind

[ForAquaQuoter]

Hi everyone.

this is a tricky one. My DD is 7 years old and is being assessed for ADHD/Autism (although, I don’t want this to be used as an excuse for the unkindness).

my daughter hates school, there is a particular girl she really doesn’t get on with, this girl can often do things to wind my daughter up (put her foot across the table, then DC when moved, leant across and did it again, my DD pushed her foot away and the DC said DD had kicked her, DD struggles to communicate so will just cry and take the telling off unless saw otherwise. This is the teachers account). However, This does not excuse DD reaction to it. my daughter has increasingly become unkind to this child and came home today and told me she kept giving DD ‘dirty looks’ so my daughter mouthed ‘ugly’. This isn’t ok or acceptable her calling other children names regardless. I know that her emotion of envy is high (for example, child brought in a teddy and my DD hadn’t). There has been an occasion where the child made an inappropriate gesture to DD so DD called her ‘fat’. I’m horrified!

up until around year 1/2 she was the most kindest and sweetest little girl in the class, forever being told she was always the one they chose to look after other students who were feeling rubbish.

she has low self esteem but I just don’t know how to handle this, I feel like I’ve been a failure of a parent.

You are not a failure as a parent.

Have you approached the school to see what they recommend?

You absolutely haven't been a failure. As both a mum whose daughter has gone through friendship problems and as a primary school teacher, it honestly doesn't sound as if your daughter is being deliberately unkind.

Admittedly, you only have your daughter's side of the story but she seems to be reacting to the other girl's behaviour rather than instigating incidents.

She's still young so still learning how to deal with tricky situations appropriately, using her words and her likely SEN will make this even more difficult for her.

I would ask the teacher if you can meet to decide on how you can both support your daughter to deal with the unkind behaviour of others in an appropriate way.

You haven’t failed but you need to make sure you are not blaming other children for your child’s actions and not excusing it by way of SEN. SEN is not an excuse to bully other
children.
and kids will always make out like they were just provoked by another kid. Don’t believe what they say on face value lol.

I would ask the teacher if they can be put onto tables as far away as possible and for them both to be told by the teacher that she doesn’t want to see them near the others space.

I have dealt with this kind of situation. Once it starts, you need a sharp eye on who’s where in the classroom - the teacher will probably be able to see which one is initiating the contact. Then it’s a question of monitoring. Do you know what the other child’s reaction is. Usually if one is upset and the other not, that can point the way. I would ask the teacher if she is aware that your daughter was always used for the “kind friend” scenario and that you feel it’s out of character for her -does she agree?

Hope you get this resolved.

But based on what you say your daughter is only reacting to the other child being mean to her ?

I was bullied in school. My parents told me to do nothing and the bullies would "get bored" (they didn't). It only got better the day I snapped and punched one of them in the face. A fond memory to this day.

I will always tell my children not to initiate violence, but if others do, they sure as hell are allowed to defend themselves. Have you suggested anything to your daughter that she can do when other children are being unkind towards her ? Just telling her to grin and bear it will lead to her being bullied.

You're not a failure as a parent but if you're not happy with the way your daughter defends herself then you need to offer her better options.

This is such a huge thing for me too, I don’t want to blame other children and blame her SEN needs. It was the teacher who said that this child had provoked her but in the same breath I don’t want her reacting in a way that is deemed as bullying because that isn’t ok. So yes she did provoke my DD however, the reaction was not warranted or ok!!

This is such a huge thing for me too, I don’t want to blame other children and blame her SEN needs. It was the teacher who said that this child had provoked her but in the same breath I don’t want her reacting in a way that is deemed as bullying because that isn’t ok. So yes she did provoke my DD however, the reaction was not warranted or ok!!

So she has her own independant table now after this scenario due to the incident. It’s so tricky because kids are crafty but I trust my daughter in what she’s saying

I can understand the teacher doing this to stop the problem continuing but I would ask for how long will she be separated and what is the strategy for reintegration into the class.