My step son bully’s my daughter

[Newishmumhelp]

My partner has always had his sons 50/50 since splitting with their mother, recently the mother has moved a few hours away for a new relationship and taken the boys (age 7 and 13) with her meaning we’ve gone from having them half the time to only every other weekend and most of the time through the school holidays, this has been a horrible thing for us to go through (especially for my partner) my partner and I have our own daughter (age 2) and since the move their has been a huge amount of jealousy from my stepson (the 7yr old) towards our daughter, we’re very aware it comes down to the fact that he’s upset that he doesn’t get to see his dad as much now and is jealous that she lives with him all the time. We’ve done a lot to try and improve this, including doing fun family days out, him have days or activities alone with my partner and nothing has seemed to help, infact it’s now got to the point where he’s very mean and cruel to our daughter (he shouts at her, takes things away from her, there’s been a few incidents where he’s pushed her or pulled things out of her hands so hard that it’s pulled her over, he mimics her crying to try and make her more upset and then has a go at her for being upset, he snatches things off her and then when she tries to take it back tells my partner she’s trying to take it off him when he was playing with it, he tries to get her in trouble after encouraging her to do things she shouldn’t be doing) and we’re completely at a lose of what to do, my partners sat down with him and explained that it’s not her fault that he’s moved and that she misses him and loves him like we all do and like he does us, we’ve told him off when needs be but it’s just never ending. We’ve always been a united front and agree that the behaviour is disgraceful, we’ve both witnessed all of the things I’ve said about together and separately. i will never ask my partner to choose between my daughter or his sons but i will make the choice to take my daughter away from it as it’s not the environment i want her to spend early years in (or the foreseeable future) it’s having a huge impact on our relationship despite the fact we have remained a united front on it. All three children have the exact same rules and boundaries from us. But I do worry that his behaviour (the 7 yr old) is learnt behaviour from his new home and if so I just don’t see how we can ever help it stop from only having them every other weekend and holidays, both boys are completely different children to how they were before the move and not in a nice way, it’s heartbreaking and I just need some advice but I cannot talk to anyone around me because the idea of talking negatively about my stepsons to people around us breaks my heart

Oh gosh this sounds so hard 😔 you’re doing the right thing by acknowledging his feelings and also, very importantly, looking to protect your daughter as this sounds awful and traumatic for her.
im not a fan of using punishment to parent kids but there really have to be some rules and clear boundaries here. Maybe sit him down and explain that things can’t continue as they are and draw up a contract of rules in the house everyone has to abide by and what the consequences are if they are broken. Continue to be calm, kind and understanding but consistent and firm. You have a very sad and confused little boy on your hands hey x

Also to add maybe try a reward chart to focus him on the behaviour you do want to see x

Agree with pp you must be consistent.
Don't try one thing then swap to another as that isn't good for him- decide what your rules and boundaries are and stick to them, for example pushing his sister is xyz consequence/ shouting at her gets a warning then a consequence etc but try to keep it simple rules so he can remember.

I wouldn't take things away or isolate him (ie send to his room) as that is the opposite of what he needs although firm boundaries are a must.

Is it worth you or dh having a heart to heart with older DSS to 1. Get insight on little brother and 2. Check how he is himself?

What have they moved into? As in a new large family/ step siblings/ mum working more/ who cares for them?

Dad should have fought the move in court. at this point, I would be exploring the practicality of moving so that he can have a close relationship with all his children.

I'd start by flipping this around.

Though it sounds like you are doing all the right things (time with dad/chats to remind him it's not your DD's fault etc) it's not working because your DSS is getting more "benefit" from his poor behaviour than being nice to his half sibling.

It's important that you understand the root cause here (and it sounds like you do) but you may have gone overboard with compensating for his bullying by giving him more attention/chats etc

Reassuring him that he is much loved is imperative but you also need to stop rewarding him for bad behaviour re: extra time with Dad.

Rather you need clear house rules about behaviour and consequences for breaking them, which should not mean that poor behaviour actually gives him what he wants - good behaviour does.

Thankyou, I hadn’t thought about it like this at all and this is an incredibly helpful point of view!

We’ve never really had “punishments” in our house, we’re big on consequences as much as possible, they’re never sent to their rooms as we believe their bedrooms should be happy spaces for them not a place to go when they’re naughty.

we have spoken to his brother and he has said he’s the same at their mums (but at their mums he is the youngest child living there) there is a separate problem (again since the move) of my stepson (13) continually winding up my younger step son and finding it funny when he’s upset, this is part of why I wonder if the youngers behaviour is learnt

It's not that simple. Realistically the court won't stop a person moving when contact can still be facilitated as in this case.

The children are old enough to make a choice for themselves. We don’t need to drag them through months of court and to see their parents hate each other over us not wanting them to go, they are also old enough to tell us if they don’t want to stay there (which yes in that case we’d bring them home and go to court) they have a year to settle and then it will be discussed if it’s working (the youngest has always hated change of any kind so to bring him back before he’s had chance to enjoy life there isn’t fair to him and teaches him to run away from change even more)

Thankyou, I love the idea of the chart, and I know he’d love it too as he’s very creative so would enjoy making the chart and receiving stickers for good behaviour. I appreciate the last bit of your message massively too, and is why I struggled asking for advice, because yes his behaviour isn’t okay but he is just a sad confused kid who likely feels like he has no control of his life :(

Reading the post above it also sounds like older DSS needs to be told that winding his younger brother up is not acceptable.

I'm also going to disagree about not being sent to the bedroom after poor behaviour.

In our home (blended family) bedrooms are functional rooms for sleeping/homework/privacy and on occasion a place away from the rest of the family to reflect when you've behaved badly.

Happy spaces are communal ones where we all interact, have fun and importantly respect each other. If you don't want to accept that house rule (as it is in our home) then you can go to your own space (bedroom) alone to cool off before coming back to a communal space and behaving nicely to everyone else in it.

Hugs
sounds awful.

Set boundaries and be consistent.

If it gets to a point your daughter is not safe / distressed I would be safeguarding her by removing her from this situation. The hardwiring in the brain happens from 0-3. I would be concerned about my daughter first. Of course this is very hard for stepson but he needs to learn respect and consequences before he pushes the wrong person .

As per my post above.

Our house rule was everyone in the family deserves to feel safe and happy in communal spaces in the home.

If anyone cannot behave according they go to their bedroom (private space) to cool off/reflect.

It's not punishment, it's an opportunity to consider the impact your behaviour has on others and to accept that sometimes we all need time to ourselves.

It sounds like he is a very sad young boy who's trying to fix a situation beyond his control by lashing out at the one person he perceives is below the pecking order than he is.

His brother torments him so he's learning not only can he do it to his much younger half sibling but get more attention from his father for doing so.

So the current response to this situation needs reassessing, which involves pulling his elder sibling up on his behaviour, stop inadvertently rewarding bed behaviour and putting in some clear house rules about behaviour (and imho ditching the concept of "happy space" bedrooms).

I grew up in a household where bedrooms were a punishment space and I disagree with it, I understand it may work for you and know that for lots of people it’s beneficial but it doesn’t for us, the boys share a bedroom so the idea to send one to it after being disrespectful wouldn’t work as then we’d either have to pull the other out or stand to make sure there isn’t more disrespectful behaviour.

When they are pulled on their behaviour they aren’t sent away, if they choose to leave to another room that’s fine, if they choose to stay that’s also fine, the times he’s been aggressive we use the “naughty step” which is normally very effective but not effective enough to teach him better behaviours clearly or I wouldn’t have been desperate enough to make a account on here to ask for help.

I’ll add as well our living room is only used for watching films and eating meals (we live in a very small house) so all their toys/things they enjoy are in the room, we play with them in their room, we spend more time in their bedrooms with them then in the classic “living space” so if we were to follow the idea of send them to the functional room as you said they’d be sent to the living room.

Understood re: your house layout but you still need to change the dynamic here.

The older children are far too old for the naughty step for example.

I'd advise also against your experience of being sent to your bedroom as being awful.

The difference is how it's done and communicated. It's not a punishment. It's an opportunity to reflect. If he can't go to his shared room, then he could go to your room to cool off. As it's not punishment he can take a book/tablet.

Punishment is withdrawing pocket money,not getting to do something you were expecting or an extra house chore.

I see your point but OP obviously has a different experience and a different opinion on this 😊

A naughty step is just another way of providing some time away from the situation to become calm so it’s a positive thing, and I disagree that a child who is communicating their understandable jealousy of the child who gets to live with their Dad should be punished for it. It needs to be resolved by helping him understand why unkindness isn’t the way to express unhappiness and by removing the unhappiness in the first place.

It’s obvious that the most likely reason for his behaviour is that he’s been moved away from his home and family and friends by a selfish mother who has prioritised her relationship and sadly that probably won’t change. Which means it’s unlikely that he’s going to settle naturally in the near future.

Giving him more special time alone with his Dad isn’t giving him ‘extra’ time. It’s giving him a small amount of what most other children have as a basic standard. The dad here shouldn’t have to travel to his children’s new home and book accommodation to spend time with them, but it probably would be the best thing for them sadly.