Sudden illness turned my husband into a bully

[Nerdymama93]

Hi all,

A bit of back story: in April 2024 I experienced sudden leg weakness and back/hip pain. I later developed to being a WC user full time with a diagnosed swelling on spine. Fast forward to now, my husband is MC for our DD aged 5. I am struggling with illness but he tells me I'm "not allowed to stop working" because we will lose the house and everything all because of me. If I'm off sick, he verbally abuses me and tells me I'm "playing on it" even though I have multiple complications including scoliosis, weight loss and muscle wasting in both legs. He doesn't help me around the house and belittles me at every opportunity. My illness has me feeling trapped. Am I unreasonable for contemplating quitting work and stay home till I'm well?

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, it sounds really hard. He shouldn’t be speaking to you like that but I do think this isn’t a straightforward reasonable or not with regards to the job. Would quitting work really mean you are all unable to pay the bills? If it was my husband & I in this position and me leaving work meant we wouldn’t be able to keep our home etc then I do think as hard as it would be, I’d have to keep going or look for a wfh job I could do more easily because staying home to recover will be a lot more difficult if that home is no longer ours and we’re relying on the council etc.

He’s unfair to be approaching it the way he is though, it needs to be both of you vs the problem rather than him vs you. Looking at the finances together to see what is doable to get through this.

If I was struggling to work but I knew my salary was necessary to keep the roof over our heads then I wouldn’t quit but I would speak to my husband and we’d look at our finances together go see if it was possible to reduce hours or get a different job which would make things easier.

He's clearly very stressed by the change in circumstances, but then, no doubt so are you. I wonder if either of you have had any counselling to help you with what has happened. Could you arrange some couples counselling?

Both of you are going through a traumatic event, which will involve fear and grief. These overwhelming emotions don’t always cone out in ‘appropriate’ ways (we would all love to think we would be unfailingly and immediately compassionate and kind, but unless you are walking in those shoes, how can you know?)

As a PP says, counselling - separately or together - may be helpful. Sitting down together and making specific, practical plans - for if you stay stable; get better; decline further - may reduce some of the fear of uncertainty. Do you have other sources of help?

He’s being abusive.

You quitting work won’t help.

Do you think this is a bullying side of his personality, or do you think this could be an unacceptable but genuine reaction to the stress and fear of what you’ve both been through? Because in the first scenario, you need to leave him, this will only get worse. In the second, you could seek family counselling and individual counselling so he can see what he’s doing, address his issues, and stop treating you like this.

How will the household manage if you lose a salary? Are you already claiming all the benefits you can like PIP?