Is this bullying and what can I do?

[Hihellogoodbye]

Hi all

I’m looking for some advice as i don’t know how to proceed.

My son is year 5 and he’s struggling with the friendships he’s made so far. He has two best friends who are now leaving him out of their little group. One of them particularly ( let’s call him M) is pretty mean to my son a few examples are:

M continuously making my son feeling useless as M keeps on comparing himself to to my son saying that he’s a lot better at school or at doing certain things ( which he isn’t but this is upsetting my son)

My son stayed at M’s house for a play date for a few hours and when I picked him up he had wet himself as M kept on opening the toilet door and wouldn’t let him use the toilet. son was pretty upset about this.

M telling my son he can’t do different things and continuously putting him down.

i witnessed some of this behaviour myself when we went to meet up in the park or playground. M constantly pushing ahead of my son saying it’s his turn and not waiting properly.

my husband says there’s nothing we can do and that our son has to stand up for himself which I agree up to an extent.
I feel like I need to intervene and just don’t know how to .

pls if you had any experience with situations like this what did you do? How can I help my son move away from these two kids?

thank you

@Hihellogoodbye , I’m so sorry your son s experiencing this. My boys are adults now with families of their own and they both went through it. It’s sadly very common. I put a lot of effort into trying to bring up decent people and the end result was that they were bullied and that is what your son is experiencing. I went to the school which was hopeless, I hope things have changed in that respect. If I had my time again I’d probably get them involved earlier in something like karate/ Judo which gave them physical confidence, a bully always picks on the weakest and I would have encouraged them to get right in the bully’s face and tell them to behave or be sorry. Never throw the first punch I would have told them but make sure you hit them hard when you do. I can’t tell you what to do, I’m just sharing what I wish I’d done. Good luck. X

Can you speak to the parents of M, explain how he's treating your son eg the toilet incident and ask for a change of behaviour?

I wouldn't take your son to anymore playdates unless his behaviour changes. I'd also flag it up at school.

Unfortunately his mum doesn’t believe her son is doing anything wrong. Anytime one of the mums in the group tells her that her child did something wrong she would defend M and start talking badly about the mum that brought it up.
So talking to her won’t help.
but I’m setting up an appointment with his school hopefully soon so that I can address these
thank you so much xx

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. it’s so upsetting. Thank you xx

No problem. I would do my best to keep him away from M. Encourage new friendships and I certainly wouldn't be facilitating further playdates if his mother is denying his behaviour.

The NSPCC has some information on bullying you might find useful.

Yes this is bullying. I’d go to the school and escalate if needed. I went to the class teacher when ds was yr 5 and they kept saying they thought the bullying was “playing” and ds needed to stand up for himself. I then spoke to the head and it was all sorted within an hour of speaking to him.

I saw a fb reel that was a psychologist saying what dc should do of bullies. He said if physical then match it (which surprised me!) and if comments then they need to act like they’re entirely unbothered. You could role play this with him. I’d also stop socialising with M outside of school to limit opportunities and try and get ds to focus on other friendships.

Poor boy!! M sounds difficult. I agree you should handle it through the school and ask for help with guiding him to some new friends - can he move seats or something? Ask him if there’s any boys in the class he wants to play with and see if the mum will let him come for a play date?

Your son might also get his confidence up by joining a hobby or class outside of school - is he into any sports, art, drama etc?

He is into athletics and he goes every week. He’s enjoying it. Thank you

thank you all for responding.

I’m booking an appointment with the school and I’ll see what can be done.