Son being bullied - what to do?

[Chimperino]

I'm so sorry this is lengthy - I wondered what other parents have done in similar situations. My son is quite bright and fairly non-confrontational. He doesn't start trouble but will definitely mess about and sometimes doesn't know when to stop - can be 100% an idiot at times.This year (yr5) he hasn't settled well into his class or work really, he's struggling I think with growing pains and pre-pubescence. He is so snappy, answers back and isn't happy at school. There have been a few times his teacher has said he's answered her back or refused to do work.

This is not like him at all.

Now I don't like this at all because it is going to affect him, his teacher and his class. However after trying to get him to tell me what's going on over a few days he has told me there are two boys in particular who are targeting him at break times. He is being pushed, elbowed, hit, kicked and on occasion he has had enough and hit back. He has apparently been told to just ignore these boys and walk away. He does try to but they just keep on harassing him.

For other reasons he had a blood test the other day and was late going in, I told the school he may feel rough and his arm would be a bit painful. He had 6 little vials taken so it was a bit uncomfortable.

I have now had a message from his teacher saying his behaviour is under review at lunchtimes as he got physical with another boy. This was someone I hadn't heard of before but is friends with one the two regular taunters. He was shoved around again, his arm was hurting, and he shoved the boy back as he felt threatened and was really upset.

He answered the teacher back later the same day as he was preoccupied with that altercation. He was frankly grumpy, rude and stubborn and I have told him that's not the right way to be with his teachers.

BUT I can fully understand why he feels so fed up. He just wants a quiet life.

And I'm so cross. It seems that the finger is always pointed at those who are on the reaction end rather than those who have caused it.

How can I explain this to the school so they understand - I don't want him to be a pushover in life, I want him to stand up to bullies, I want him to be a decent person but if he feels he needs to defend himself then I believe he should and I will back him up.

Thanks for getting this far. I am seriously considering a school change, but clearly I don't want to unless absolutely necessary because he does have friends there.

Poor lad, that does sound hard.

can you leave it a few days until this latest thing has died down and then make an ointment to speak to the head of year about his issues? It’s not good enough to tell him to ignore boys who are physically bullying him - they need to be dealt with. He needs lots of good time with you this weekend to help him open up and for you to really discuss with him ways to deal with the situations. Honest, trusting talk with you telling him that you know he will work his way through this difficult time because he’s smart and clever. Give him phrases to rehearse as responses to nasty things said to him and help him to formulate ways to respond to bullying which empower him. Build his confidence as much as you possibly can by using metacognition to talk him through how his thought processes might lead him to decide on courses of action which may not have served him well. Help him come to the conclusions that he can tweak how he responds so he doesn’t get into trouble instead of the bullies.

I hope the school start actioning some support for him too.

I’m very sorry to hear what is happening and his response is normal - to be angry and surly as he is a child and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Class teacher doing nothing means time to see head. Note each day what DS says has happened. Also try and arrange play date with someone from school and cultivate a friend. Will make him less of a target if he has a buddy. I’m sorry to say we had similar years ago and in end had to move child as school did nothing.

However after trying to get him to tell me what's going on over a few days he has told me there are two boys in particular who are targeting him at break times. He is being pushed, elbowed, hit, kicked and on occasion he has had enough and hit back. He has apparently been told to just ignore these boys and walk away. He does try to but they just keep on harassing him.
If he has reported this, you need to document everything in writing and ask for a meeting on Monday. You can say you are gald he is being observed at lunchtine as you have concerns he is being consistently bullied. Name the pupils involved.

Has the school confirmed he is being asked to ignore? That would be in direct contravention oftheir bullying policy (surely) so seems surprising.

If the school doesn't resolve it, the only answer is to move him - but have an aggressive try at resolving first.

Thanks, I'm going to contact the school and ask for a meeting. I've read their policies and listened to what some other mums at the school have said about bullying for their kids. I'm not happy about how they try to manage the bullies, so much emphasis is on others to not respond.....and I'm not convinced they understand there is a problem as it appears many kids don't inform teachers as they have no confidence in them sorting it. So, we shall see. But thanks for your perspectives, it really helps me to manage my own thoughts 😊