Is it hard to recognise when your childs a bully

[Lillybank1]

Just putting the feelers out to try and manage my DC situation better. It’s been long standing situation for a few years now with general nastiness but now im really feeling like we have a proper bullying situation on our hands. I have approached the perpetrators parents many times over the years about issues, iv only ever gone with the big stuff or if something was ongoing and left the day stuff but everytime this child manages to persuade their parents they are not guilty of any of whats being said, its all lies and some how manages to turn things round that the parents think they are the victim.

with the amount if time this has been going on now and things ramping up, i really dont understand how the parents dont see it, my DC surely cant have made everything up thats ever been reported i just dont know what to do anymore, how do i make them see what everyone else can see?

long story short i just wondered (no judgement) no child is perfect but does anyone have experience of other parents approaching them about their child, how did you feel, did you know your child could be doing this but found it hard to accept, how did you manage things?

i want to support my DC but feel im losing the battle cos the other child can do no wrong. 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I think parents of bullies are blind to it, because they learn the behaviour at home.

My child has had a (significantly larger) child threatening to break their arm and “punch them in the head until they have brain damage” in recent months. The school have “taken it seriously” but the child in question has been aggressively bullying for years.

I’m sorry your child is going through this, it’s so awful!

This is absolutely disgusting. Beyond abhorrent behaviour. I just feel people need to stop tip toeing round this and start calling out totally unacceptable behaviour. My biggest fear is that someone assaults her. I am so sorry your child is having to live with this.

I'm really sorry this is happening, it must be awful. I think this really needs to be taken more seriously by schools as child bullies end up being adult bullies and most of us have experienced this at some stage. I don't think the parents care, as the child is learning this behaviour from them

The school do “restorative discipline”, so there was a session where my child and the bully were together with their teacher, talking over the incidents. My child said “we’ve always been friends, so we can still be friends, if X can be kind”.

Even the teacher was blindsided by that, spoke to me at pick up to say basically, my child was being too nice and needed be encouraged to draw a line.

The bully in question is much bigger than most children of their age, and regularly threatens violence towards other children.

I’m mindful they’re a child and feel sad for the upbringing they must be having, “I’ll punch you in the head until you have brain damage” isn’t normal language for primary school children!

But my primary concern is my own child and I will not have their school years ruined by a bully.

I think really, the only thing we can do is be very actively, and politely, in our children’s corner. Contact the school every time there’s an incident, request meetings face to face.

Teachers have much less of a classroom presence now, than when we would have been at school. TA’s are heavily relied upon and ability varies.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

There's a girl in my child's class at school going round saying children are bullying her, even though it's her shouting and being rude. Every couple months it's a different child. The mother has even sent WhatsApp messages to the other parents saying "your child is bullying mine, this and that has happened, you need to speak to them". I actively avoid this parent at the school now. And I know there's no discipline at the girl's home either. The family seem lovely. But they let their daughter get away with everything and they won't tell the child off for anything. The younger brother is even acting up because he's fed up of his sister. I'm so glad we have one year left in primary.

This is a very similar sitch the family are so lovely, they really are, but they just can’t see it. It makes me paranoid that im getting it all wrong but the dear child in question is well known amongst others for being trouble and always at the root of everything but parents just oblivious to it no matter how many times issues are raised, the child wriggles out of it.

Stop being nice about it! It’s your child’s welfare at the end of the day! The family can and are fobbing you off. Stand your ground and tell them they need to put a stop to it

My 12 Yr old has just been through a year of misery at the hands of a bully she used to be friends with. For years and years I've listened to the mother lament how her daughter always has problems with this girl or that girl and how awful it all was. And then one day it was my daughters turn and my god did she feel it. Instant and total social exclusion, prank calls, rumours being spread around about her. I tried to talk to the mum about it but she refused to return my calls and now pretends I don't exist. If I try and speak to her she blanks me completely. Like mother like daughter.

The school tried the restorative justice bullshit but it made everything worse for my dd. The behaviour got meaner and subtler. In the end they moved her to another class and established some boundaries so they never mix with each other inside school. The occasional rumour still goes around but my dd is learning to cope better. We've done the self harm/suicidal thing and I feel like we're coming out of the other side of it. Without question the worst year of our lives.

Is the bullying taking place in school OP? I would honestly not waste your time approaching the parents, they are obviously in denial about their little darling! Keep reporting every incident to school and tell them you expect them to be proactive in protecting your child. Encourage your child to stand up for themselves verbally and to tell the teacher every time this child is nasty. Don't waste your energy trying to convince the parents, use your energy to advocate for your child.

It’s not up to you to sort this out. Talk to the school! And be forceful about it.

Good luck! x

I don't think any parent thinks their child is a bully. Truly, I think most parents are blind to it.

I saw a talk once where the lecturer asked the audience who had been bullied at school, lots of hands up. She asked who has bullied another child at school. No hands. She put her hand up and explained that we needed to face up to our children BEING the bully as well as being bullied.
I think there needs to be work with the children who repeatedly bully in schools to get to the bottom of things, away from the kids they bully. The kids who are repeat offenders cycle through victims as its about power and insecurity so sitting a child who has leant to lie and manipulate adults to hide the maladaptive behaviour they have learnt down and saying 'please be nice to little Millie' achieves nothing.

@skeletonbones there's still a common misconception that it's the kids from broken homes or the poor kids who are bullies. I've seen many, many examples of this not bring the case. MC people don't believe their children are capable of horrible behaviour.

They know. They don’t care.

How old is your child and what year are they in school? If this is happening in school the teachers and TAs will see it and they should be reporting it to both sets of parents if it happens on each day. I’m a TA and I report things like this to parents all the time with playground disagreements.

Yes. The child who has made my child very miserable this year is for a very middle class background. I have noticed much more effective dealing with bullying or poor behaviour from working class families than middle class ones if I am going to generalise.

I’m so sorry your child has had to deal with this. I’m a teacher and not much more makes me angry than this. When I see this or I’m made aware of it, I keep a very close eye and make the whole class aware that I will
not stand for it.

OP- It’s time to kick up a fuss with school. Note everything, put it in writing and request responses by specific times. Hope your child is ok.