year 7 girls school bullying

[jeffreyshouse]

My DD started her senior school at the beginning of this year in Y7. Half of the year have come up from the junior school. The classes are small and in the second term she let us know about a problem with a girl in her class who was bullying her. Low level stuff but constant and unprovoked and the bully turned her group of friends against her meaning that she didn't have anyone to hang around with. Never had a partner in games and wasn't invited to things out of school. We met with the year head & pastoral and decided that it would be best if she moved class to get away from the bully. The bullying is less as there is less contact but it continues and she feels that she has a reputation of being someone that it is not cool to be friends with. She has gone into a class where they have understandably made friendships already and she continues to be left out. She is sad as in her junior school she had loads of friends and was always being invited on playdates.
I don't know how to help her other than reassure her that it is not her and continue to encourage her friendships outside school. Anyone been through this and have some advice?

Can you move schools?

Last resort.

Sorry to hear this! Being a girl at school can be very difficult. Other girls can be so mean!

Do you know any of the parents? I would maybe consider getting in touch with them and explaining the situation.

I think it's best to tackle this head on now, before it goes on too long and they get older and nastier!

Hopefully the girls parents can talk some sense into them.

It’s very early days. I definitely wouldn’t approach the parents that’s instant social death. Plus their power is limited anyway.

Neither of mine settled into their friendship groups until year 9. The groups do change and are fluid. Can your Dd approach other girls she thinks seem nice? Dd2 was ditched by her year 8 “friends” and after some sadness and dark times she formed a new group that others joined and is still going strong they are a fun group so lots of parties and trips etc.

I'd say the school is not doing enough (I work in a small girls indie school). They should be clamping down hard on the incidents that are ongoing plus there are lots of things they can do to encourage new friendships - eg as a classroom teacher I'd be reaching out to you or your daughter privately to ask who in her new form does she like/feel could be a possible friend and seat them together for lessons. No lessons should be free seating - teacher controlled seating plans/group work. Your daughter clearly knows how to have successful friendships however her confidence has obviously taken a knock. She might need a bit more coaching on how to try and get new friendships going. Also, schools are concerned about numbers generally at the moment - I'd suggest you make noises about not being happy to make them take you seriously if you think they're not!!

We had this in year 7, it escalated to the point where I had to formally complain and we're in the process of moving for the start of year 9, I wish I had followed my first instinct and moved her in the first term of year 7 because DD ended up with OCD and anxiety.

We had the same, went to the Head with printouts of awful group chat convos. They did nothing. Eventually it got better but like a previous poster, the wounds are still there - first year uni - and she still has anxieties about friendships/fears about being excluded even now.

Oh my god this is exactly the situation we are in. My dd is in y7 and has never had any friendship drama before but a couple of girls from her old school just seem to hate her now they are in secondary.

She moved classes in Oct and seemed much much better. She made good friends with a girl in her new class who has told her than the original mean girls told everyone my dd is a bitch and to avoid her.

She recently started self harming. The school are doing fuck all and we're talking about moving house. We're lucky enough to have a brilliant GP and we can pay for mental health support but I'm just fucking STUNNED by the swift and brutal nature of 12 year old girls.

This happened to my daughter. The school was useless. We moved her to an independent school, which buggered us up financially for years, but she absolutely flourished there and made many good friends she still sees now (in her 30s). I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, I remember how it felt and how hopeless you feel. Girls can be so cruel.

Me too. It's absolutely awful.

Thank you. I think I will approach the school again to see what steps can be taken.

'the original mean girls told everyone my dd is a bitch and to avoid her' EXACTLY THE SAME. Good to know there is a chance of positive outcome. I do t think she has been I. Her new class long enough to form meaningful friendships and it may just need more time.

I'm really interested in this view, as I've always thought if a parent approached me I'd put a stop to it, and assumed others would feel the same.

My daughter had a period like this in Year 6, thankfully resolved within a month or so organically Ie no teacher/parent involvement. The low level bullying was coming from girls whose mums were on the PTA - so you'd think parents engaged with the school and hopefully parenting. Is it really not the right thing to approach them?

I have no other children and even though she's in year 6, I still feel like I'm finding my parenting feet :)

I can't say I recommend speaking to the parents. The main ring leader is the daughter of a couple who I considered good friends so when I found out what was going on, I called them, I thought I was pretty reasonable but they completely dismissed it "all Yr7 children make crank calls" and then never spoke to me again. It made my dd's situation worse. The first time we spoke to the school, they did their thing as per the bullying policy and it made my dd's situation worse. My dd absolutely refuses any sort of school intervention now.

I bought her a necklace from Frankly that says "fuck them" in tiny script writing. She wears it under her shirt every day and she says it has really helped her manage at school when she comes into contact with them.

I think we're on top of the self harming now but it hangs over me every day that something might happen that upsets her enough for her to do it again.

I wish I had some advice but we’re going through the same thing right now. My DD regularly cries before school, tells me every day she’s ill etc.

Why is moving her a last resort?

We have had this recently with my year 8 daughter. Lovely friendship group, just decided to drop her out of the blue and block her on everything. She was so upset, crying saying she could not go to school.

I managed to get her to adopt an 'I'm not bothered' attitude, and it lasted 4 days before the girls messaged her to ask to be friends again. I think if she had shown she was bothered it would have gone on longer.

All is ok again now but I've told my daughter to keep her guard up and concentrate on having lots of friends rather than just this group.

Can your DD join a club at school where she will make some friends?

Send a message to the P.E. teacher or ask the Head of Year to speak to the P.E. and other teachers about your DD not having a partner.

Go back to HoY and Deputy Head. Tell them, what you've said here. Ask them to step in again.
1)Really the bullying is continuing, so what are they going to do about that? 2)The girls cemented friendships can't be penetrated. Have they really done all they could to help her move in, specifically allocating her a couple of girls to do tasks with etc. The school could've done so much more. They need to step up now to rectify they're not doing enough before. Politely say that!

Things I’ve learnt - don’t approach the parents even if you think they are your friends, keep a paper trail with the school and if things don’t improve move your daughter. From my experience schools are appalling at tackling bullying amongst girls. I really hope your DD settles in her new class and I’d definitely go back to school with some of the suggestions @PrincessesRUs made. So sorry your daughter is experiencing this x

Yeah definitely don’t approach the parents. It’s sweetly naive to think the parents can “put a stop to it”. How exactly?

Dd was adamant that we didn’t approach the school or do anything she was determined to resolve it herself which she did. Her young English teacher saw what was happening and got her to stay behind said she had had the same thing happen to her at the same age. Sadly I think it’s a particularly horrible developmental stage.

I would echo what others here say - there is a very real risk that long term harm is being done to your daughter's mental health and psyche.

I appreciate that it can sometimes be very challenging to move schools, but if it is at all possible then I think you should strongly consider it. She could see out the year and then start afresh next year.

My oldest child was very badly bullied in high school and we never moved him as his younger sister went to a primary school next to it. Our middle child went to a special needs school so it was already difficult managing two school runs.

He was such a happy little boy and was transformed into a very disturbed teenager. He still has ongoing mental health problems as a young adult, and we have had regular crisis episodes, sectioning etc. My wife and I have never been able to get over the guilt of not taking him out of that school, even though it would have been very hard to manage logistically. I’m sure it is not the only factor in his mental illness as he also suffers psychosis at times, but regardless we still feel like we let him down.

Both my dds have been bullied and schools don't do enough to help.This is at primary school so I dread to think what will happen at secondary school. I moved my eldest to an independent school which is better but the scars are still there.

If you can't move schools put more pressure on school to do something because it sounds awful.

The school is not doing enough. I'm glad you're gonna go back to them. They should've set up a chance for friendships to start within the new class by matching her and arranging things and making sure that she was always given up partner etc. These are the basics that they should've done.

plus you now need to tell them that the original bullying is still continuing and it hasn't been addressed. write an email this weekend.