Issues with kids ‘leaving out’ DD

[Catkincat]

I wonder if I could ask for your help, I’m not sure whether I’m overreacting. It’s not bullying but just a bit of leaving out/meanness.

DD is in reception with a girl (Girl A) she knew a little from a crossover group of friends (don’t think they were at nursery together or weren’t for very long). We thought this would help with the transition to school as they had attended parties and had a play date together. We also had another play date together before school started, all seemed okay.

In the first term, within the first few weeks DD started being fussy about her uniform and asking for different items of clothing. It emerged Girl A had been telling DD she could only play with her and her best friend (Girl B) if DD was wearing the same clothes (ie finding reasons to exclude DD). I told DD friends don’t worry about what you wear and urged her to try to play with others in the class. I saw the school and they said they thought all the kids played together well although admitted DD is sometimes alone at lunch. They said they would talk to the kids about playing together and things seemed to improve for a bit.

Periodically since then DD has mentioned Girl A and B leaving her out, or only wanting to play with DD if one of the others is absent. If Girl A and B are together they won’t play with DD.

We also had a few more play dates with Girl A and I noticed her leaving DD out when in a three with another child, and also with a group of children at a party.

Would this dynamic worry you and if so would you consider moving classes to be a possible solution? I don’t want DD to pursue a friendship with this girl (don’t think Girl A likes DD which is fair enough but tricky for DD to understand/manage) and think it might be better if she only has occasional contact.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I just don’t think it’s a very healthy set up for DD.

DD has mentioned wanting to change schools because of the above and because everyone in the class has best friends and they play with them at lunchtime instead of her. She’s also experienced wider settling issues (clinginess, wetting during the day that started at the end of the first half term). But not sure if this is too extreme an option.

Any thoughts very gratefully received. The school seem to think everything is fine and everyone plays together when we raised it recently. I just don’t know whether I’m right to worry or not.

Hi OP, I have experienced this kind of thing with my DD when she was in primary school. If it gets worse you could consider moving classes or schools, but be aware that this is very common so she may experience the same kind of thing again. Ideally she learns strategies to deal with it (playing with other children) rather than trying to remove the problem. In your position I would organise play dates with other children in the class to help encourage new friendships. Also, does she do any after school activities? These can be brilliant for helping her to gain confidence in social situations.

Thanks for your message. You’re right about the play dates, I think we need to be more proactive and try to support her making other friends as she still seems drawn to the two who leave her out. We do out of school activities with two friends at different schools, so that definitely helps. I will see what we can do to avoid the need for a class or school switch or support her making friends in other classes so if there is a change it’s more likely to be positive.

They are still very young for this to be intentional meanness. I think give it some more time. I felt the same way when my son was seeming a bit adrift in his class for a while but out of nowhere months later he struck up a great friendship with another boy in his class. But after about six months of drifting! I'd hold on and if nothing better by the end of this term switch class for September when it is least disruptive.

It all sounds very intense for reception! I would be telling her to leave girl A and B to it, encourage other friendships, ask the teacher to pair her with other girls etc.

I’d say speak to the teacher again but frame it that you can see she’s not gelling with child an and b and you need her help to help your daughter play with other children.

praise your daughter if she finds other children to play with. Look at setting up play dates with other children.

When your daughter complains about these girls remind her that she needs to play with other children. Don’t ask too much or give too much attention about these girls. Let your daughter know she’s in charge, encourage her but help her build that resilience.

Just to add, model to your daughter that we need to find our own solutions e.g. playing with new friends. Moving classes/schools may solve this problem but won’t solve it if happens at the next class/school.

I agree it is intense for reception! I wasn’t expecting any of this for a while, everything was so easy at nursery.

I do talk to DD about playing with others, I will do my best to arrange play dates to help support this. Unfortunately people seem a lot less proactive than at nursery and less than half the mums are on the school whatsapp. There is no class rep. I’ll see what I can do this term to change this and support more positive friendships.

thanks for all your help!

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