How do good schools handle bullying

[redheadsaregreat]

In a situation. Problem is as usual it's she says vs they say. They being small group of girls who are bullying my dd. They are 16 and it's pretty nasty. Online, messages, verbal and lots and lots of spreading false rumours. Slut shaming, making up stories about her bad mouthing people she hasn't.

Ultimately if there is no 'proof' how does a school deal with it. Obviously no one is going to admit anything

Does she have screenshots of the messages and online stuff?
I think you just have to keep on at year head until you get a satisfactory response - make a nuisance of yourself . Girls and their parents need to be spoken to by the school and threat of punishment. Poor DD, hope she is ok

Only if the more benign stuff. The really awful stuff was on disappearing messages and verbal. The benign stuff does suggest^^ there is some meanness but I'm not sure schools are good at this.

Badly in my experience. In the end I sent my daughter to a private school. Expensive but the difference in standards, on just about everything, was staggering.

They don’t, in my experience, including Ofsted “outstanding” ones. You need the evidence. A good long log of those messages.

It is a private school ☹️

The school seems to do a lot of minimising and saying 'everyone has a part to play in friendship issues. They never use the word bullying. They act to make the victim give up pushing for resolution and just hope things will go away on their own. Even with evidence they do a great job of saying things to try to pacify rather than stopping the issue.

She should try to screenshot the disappearing messages as soon as they arrive. I realise that's not so helpful but it might be worth trying.

My son was on the receiving end of bullying - videos of him getting upset being shared around, his stuff taken/hidden, continuous taunting, with two kids in particular as ring-leaders. He finally let me know the extent of it (I had thought it wasn't too bad, and had been trying to teach him to greyrock/ignore it, but actually it was far worse than I realised), and I contacted his form tutor who also hadn't realised how much was going on.

The form tutor spoke to the boys, he was clear to them that he had noticed this so as to not make my son look like he'd been complaining about them, he had them apologise to my son, had a word with their parents, and was clear with them that this was unacceptable behaviour towards a fellow pupil, and if he found out it was happening again, the punishment would be severe.

The school nurse, and councillor, and the house master all checked up on my son over the next few weeks/months, and generally did a really, really good job of getting everyone - the bullies (who were just being idiot 12 year old boys really, and got swept along with taking it too far), and my son back on track.

The thing with verbal abuse is that it's hard to prove and it's usually orchestrated by a ring leader who delegates so that the blame doesn't come back to them. Can your daughter unpick this to the source ? Can she identify what started this ? Once you have identified the ring leader and taken them out you find the others and hangers on who join in fall like a pack of cards .

A lot of bullying is actually deflection , hence the slut shaming . It sounds like some little madam is jealous of your daughter and is trying to destroy her . Mud sticks .

I would go to the school explain what's happened and ask them what they are going to do to protect your daughter from harassment. Harassment is a crime . Your daughter is entitled to an education. This is a crucial exam year . Be firm OP don't let this be brushed under the carpet for the sake of this schools reputation and ofstead report . Remember also to ask who the Schools Community Cop is and tell them you will not hesitate to contact him or her if this escalated into the physical. Why not ring your local police and ask who this Cop is and speak to them? Get in first .

Try and get a paper trail going e mail the school with your concerns and use the word Bullying and Harassment. This is just victim blaming by the school . If they blame the victim it means ( in their eyes ) they don't have to do anything.

@ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere

This happened to my son and his head of year did the same . Life was so much better for him afterwards, because this bully and his cronies realised they would not get away with it .

I’m in exactly the same position; private school, Head minimising the situation. It’s never “bullying”, it’s “unpleasant behaviour”. They’re incredibly reluctant to do the obvious thing and put a rocket up the parents. Very hard to know what to do.

Solidarity

DS emailed form tutor who spoke to him. Tutor told head of lower school. Head of lower school spoke to son. Asked questions so actually got more information. Rang me to say he was on it. Spoke to boys who were unkind. Rang me to say he had spoken to boys. Head of lower school named it as bullying when I found it hard to.

From the senior teachers Who do you trust? I trust head of lower school and how he chooses to manage things. So when he rang me I was relieved and happy with his judgement.

As the school have been informed but not helped I would actually approach the most competent senior management and talk to them. Say it’s bullying. Don’t say what you think should be done but explain from your daughter’s point of view what has happened. Imply that you trust them to handle it.

What upset me the most was the thought that not just my son was getting mean comments but that it creates a bad atmosphere for everyone. It’s not just about your daughter. Everyone who realises what is going on is suffering. Like a chilling effect.

good luck.