11 Year old daughter bullied in Private School

[CraigMars]

Hi everyone, I have just joined to ask some advice as it seems there are a number of people possibly in the same boat. My 11 year old daughter goes to a private school. Since returning after the summer holidays a new girl started in her class. The girl is an absolute nightmare, she has harassed my daughter, pulled her hair, done a number of things to warrant bullying. My daughter has always been a model student and in general she is a pleasure to be around not just in school but at home as well. After several meetings with the head, he moved my daughter to another class but because everyone knows each other everyone knew about the bullying. A group of girls in the new class thought it would be good, not to welcome my daughter but instead also started bullying her, name calling, just in general making her feel unwelcome. She has had 4 emotional breakdowns now which has never occurred previously. The head keeps saying he has done his investigations, making out like my daughter is making some of this up. Obviously the girls are sticking together with their version of events. The last straw came for me last week when my daughter left my wife a voicemail saying she was sat on her own at break time, in the cold on one of the school benches because the girls had been mean to her again. We had another meeting with the head and I told him my children would not be returning, he begged and pleaded to give him time to look into it. I said fine but in the mean time I have been to look at another private school who we told the situation and agreed they would give my daughter a place. I have emailed the head telling him due to the bullying its not fair my daughter returns. Tonight I had a response banging on about I must pay the fees as per the terms of the contract with the school and he could stop us moving to any other school if they weren't paid. Hes done more than enough to resolve the bullying (not in my opinion). This has got my back up even more now as my children have gone to this school since 2021, the new school is the same fees so its not like I am moving her because we dont have the money its purely due to the state my daughter has become in that school since returning after summer. Do I have any rights with this? my daughter has confirmed numerous times she cannot return there as she does not feel safe ( I also dont feel she's protected by the school or teachers). It has caused my wife and I endless stress this last 4 weeks, moving her would make her feel better and us however I dont want to have to pay these fees given the circumstances. She has developed really bad eczema on her hands and I know this is down to stress. She is emotional and tearful constantly which is not like her. Im honestly pulling my hair out with this. Its also effecting her younger brother who is also in the same school. Thanks for any help or advice

@CraigMars I am so sorry to hear that your dd is in so much stress .

Any form of bullying needs to be in writing . I find when issues are raised in writing they need to be addressed appropriately. Have you looked at their policy on bullying ? Have they followed this? The policies should be on the website.

As for the fees, escalate your concern in writing to the trust...in the sense in a state school, if I was not happy with the Head we would report this to the Governors.

Their should be policy as to if you have any concerns where to report your concerns too.

Plus in the email state your child's mental being and state this has escalated to her physical health.

Honestly I am more familiar with state schools but their should be policies on the website regarding terms and conditions of the fees.

Sorry I can't help more.

This sounds awful. I'm sorry she's going through this. Personally I would move her. Life is too short to fight this battle. Are there other suitable schools nearby?

Move her

I suspect you will have to pay the fees unless you can prove they have broken contract (ie as a previous poster said- look up the bullying policy/ well-being docs/ anything you can find and show they haven't followed their own policies)
If they have then I'm not sure how it would work.

Honestly, having worked in both sectors, I would be concerned about standards being adhered to rigorously in a private school. A state school will afford your children much more well-being support, obviously vastly dependent on the individual schools, but please make sure you don't 'jump' to another school where your daughter may feel isolated again. It is a tricky year group for everyone, but especially girls, and you need to be sure she will feel included and supported after the move. In my opinion, this is more likely, on average, in state, so please scrutinise the new private school before the move and ask them how they will integrate a mid year transfer whose self confidence has been battered.

Good luck!

I would certainly move her but you will most likely be liable for the fees as per your contract. This will be very hard to get out of. When it comes to bullying it is very hard to prove unless your daughter has physical proof (notes or screenshots of messages sent to her or on social media). It then comes down to "he said, she said". The school will also argue they did their best to help by changing her class. Many schools also now follow a no blame policy where they talk to both sides and try to find a way to move forward etc.
Anyway you can try to fight the fees issue but you are very unlikely to be successful, personally I would pay the extra fees and move on if you can afford it otherwise give notice and move her at the end of that period (or homeschool her till then if ahead won't go into school).

The key thing about fees is whether you used all the options for remedy within the contract, because only when those are exhausted does that become valid grounds to terminate the contrate without usual notice.

So what exactly is the grievance procedure? Have you followed all the stages fully? For example, most will say that if not satisfied with the response, you should go to the Governors. Does yours? Did you do this? Do you have emails confirming all the events and what was said in meetings?

The reasons you need all that is because it is (unfortunately) common for unscrupulous parents to lie when they just want to change schools without proper notice, saying unresolved bullying. So yes schools do tend to take everyone to court about unpaid fees, and the sorts of questions I asked in the second paragraph are what you will need to evidence that there was no possibility of remedy with the contract.

This is of course shit for parents of those who really have suffered from unresolved bullying, but has unfortunately become necessary.

No-one will doubt specifically that your DD had been bullied, just that you did not have grounds to break the contract if you had not followed the full grievance procedure first.

You need to follow the full complaints procedure. I doubt that you have. You will be liable for fees until this has been done. If your dd is as miserable as you say I would pay and move her.

Has you daughter done a trial day(s) at the new school? Or do private schools just take the money and hope for the best? I don't know how fee paying works do they want the fees for this term? In which case yes I think you would have to pay, or do you pay a term in advance and they are are talking about next term? In which case, agree with others look at policy and procedures, and see if they've been followed, Hope the new school works out, is it worth asking this thread to be moved to the legal section?

Create an email with the name of a lawyer or send a letter and threaten a lawsuit for the Psycholgicsl damages as wellas monetary damages involved in moving schools. Cite bills for therapy your daughter requires now from their negligence in upholding their anti bullying policy in their contract . Be specific about contractual obligation but make it brief

I think you will likely have to pay the fee's only because I haven't heard of anyone being let off before.

It does seem that if you're paying for a service which they are not delivering (a safe and happy environment is part of the product), then you haven't been supplied with the services you have already paid for.

I would be tempted to let them know that if they choose to go down that route, you will stand opposite the school entrance on their future open days with a big sign stating "THIS SCHOOL ACCEPTS BULLYING". See how many parents sign their kid up to the school then. As a prospective parent, I'd be grateful someone took the time to do that.

You won’t be able to start at the new school without paying your fee liability to the old school - in the report sent from the old school it’ll state that you have outstanding fees and school 2 won’t touch you with a ten foot pole.
Whether you feel that’s fair or not is moot - when you signed on the dotted line it’ll have been in the T’s and C’s.

not true about the new school not accepting you because of unpaid fees at old school so don’t let that put you off.
Every parent wants their child to be happy and how can you keep sending a child back to school when they are suffering and you’re paying for it!! The school obviously have not done enough to resolve the issue so i would go down that route and state how it has affected her physically and mentally

OP please do not follow this advice.

OP at a state school you would by now have dissected their anti bullying policy and reported where the school was failing to uphold its policy. You would have had numerous meetings with the class teacher and the HT and probably also a governor (due to your complaint). Teachers and playground supervisors would all be alert to the issue and keep eyes out to help your dd reintegrate with her peers and get support from friends. The bullies would be dealt with although you’d have no right to know what sanctions are taken it should be clear from the policy.

Does your dd have any friends? How has it happened that you accepted she would be moved to a new class rather than the bully - does the school simply deny the bullying? Do they deny your dd is lonely and unhappy after previously being a model student?

It is unlikely yours is an isolated incident. What’s the word on the playground from the other mums?

yes because we all have good State Schools nearby with spaces
OP, it sounds tough and I sympathise as My DD was bullied at her private school in Y8, it was awful but I have to say that the school did handle it well eventually.
The head of year did try to brush it off as a spat between girls over a boy (very very far from the truth) but once i escalted to The Head the worst offender was expelled.
Have you completely lost faith in the school or can you try to resolve it? If not I am afraid you may be liable for the fees