Phone call from school

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I had a phone call from school early in the week to say my daughter (6yrs) had been reported by a parent as the previous week she had apparently snatched something out of her friends hand and said something along the lines of ‘if you don’t give this to me I’m going to smack you’. I was utterly shocked when I heard this. We never use this terminology so can only presume she’s heard it either from tv or school.

However, the thing that concerns me most is how it was dealt with. My 6 year old was pulled into the office and spoken to spoke by her teacher and headmistress, alone. My daughter couldn’t recall exactly what she said but didn’t ‘deny’ it happened either. Apparently the teacher said she was ‘good’ for being honest but she wasn’t allowed out at break and had to write a sorry card. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable here but I would have rather the school told me first what they planned to do rather than just go ahead and speak to my daughter. I don’t condone her behaviour.

We know the parents who made a complaint because my daughter told
me who the child in question was as they aren’t allowed to give details over the phone. The child in question has been quite spiteful to my daughter in the past and we have just said to my daughter that she isn’t x,y,z and that she should say to the friend that isn’t a kind thing to say and then make she finds someone else to play with. She has had my daughter in tears on several occasions.

I just feel so angered that the parents have complained and I don’t understand why they couldn’t have spoken to us first - even to let us know they were going to be complaining I wouldn’t have had an issue. I just feels so underhand. I honestly don’t know what the parents gain from this - that their poor child has been attacked by some sort of terrorist 6 year old and that she wasn’t allowed to go to break?

Not sure what I’m asking but feel I need to bring this up with the school and just how it’s been dealt with?

They were totally correct in letting the school deal with it rather than approaching you directly, tbh.
The school did nothing wrong either, they didn't need your permission to deal with the incident.

Behaviour that happens in school should be dealt with in school. It was a completely acceptable way of dealing with it and you’re blowing it out of proportion.

It sounds like neither of them get on with the other. All you need to do is to remind your daughter to use kind words and to tell an adult if the other child causes upset.

The parents have acted correctly. Behaviour from school needs dealing with by school.

That all sounds fine to me OP. It happened in school, the school has dealt with it.

It's hard when your DD has previously been hurt by this child, but that doesn't make her behaviour ok. When my 9 year old DS finally snapped and shoved his persecutor against a wall and yelled in his face I was secretly pleased. This kid had been mean as a snake since reception. But the school had quite rightly spoken to him about it and kept him in at break. I told him that I understood why he'd done it but he knew it was wrong and because it was dealt with in school there were no further consequences at home.

if you don’t give this to me I’m going to smack you

That's pretty bad. How you respond if your daughter had another child say and do that to her?

If you behave badly at school you get told off in school...that's how it's always worked.

Thank you for the responses. I have told my daughter every day before school that she needs to play with other children and not said child again. She has also told me her teacher has said the same. I can only presume the parents have told the school they will go to ofsted if my daughter goes anywhere near her, as that is the type of parents they are. They have always moaned to us about children they ‘dislike’ and yet laugh about with the parents which confuses me. Now they’ve shown their real colours it’s not about the children - it’s to do with 4 grown adults. 2 of which are now no longer seen as friends.

I won’t bother speaking to the school unless my daughter tells me said child has tried to play or have any sort of contact with her, as I really could do without this hassle right now.

If schools had to speak to parents before they dealt with a relatively low level incident, they would be never off the phone! Most of the time you don't get to hear about minor incidents at all, they are just dealt with. It's part and parcel of school life. They will probably only have phoned you after dealing with it because it was raised by another parent, so they can let that parent know it has been dealt with and all are aware.

What on earth? 😵‍💫. This post is quite extraordinary...

Sorry you’re batshit. Schools deal with problems at school. The only reason parents want other parents to contact them directly is to keep it quiet from school. It’s school where it’s happening therefore it’s school who need to know about it, to be able to deal with it.

They don’t need your permission to deal with it.

I think you need to break the event down

Have you gotten the same basic details from your daughter? (The other child had something your child took it?)

If there was no history would you be ok with the punishment? Because this kind of thing will happen a lot in the playground and without a parents complaint what would you expect to happen?

Once you have worked out how you feel the school should deal with something a child reports or an adult seen you have a benchmark.

Only once you have worked out the benchmark can you look at what you expect if you as a parent made a report to the school. Should the school have acted differently in the way they treated your daughter?

The next bit is why the parent did not come to you directly. MN will always advise that the parent raises the issue directly with the school. Being blunt here but if the parent told you what happened you would have pointed out that their child was spitefull and it becomes a tit for tat argument between parents.

As for the girls spiteful actions. You choose not to notify the school of what was going on and i assum your daughter did not say anything either so the school could not act. So you can not "blame" the school for dealing with your daughters actions but not the other childs actions. As you did not speak to her parents at the time they could not correct her either.

Just some things to think about

I can only presume the parents have told the school they will go to ofsted if my daughter goes anywhere near her
Well… no. That’s incredibly unlikely.

You’ve obviously built this up massively in your head. You need to talk yourself down. Or if there are multiple classes in your child’s year group, request she swap to another class. But if it were me I’d let it go.

The school is responsible for sorting this out in school hours, and they have done so.

There is no reason to think the parents have, or will go to Ofsted. They won't be interested.

And it's not personal between parents. Small children squabble, it happens. There is no reason to tell your dd to stay away from the child. That's disproportionate. Just tell her not to snatch or threaten. They'll be best friends again by next week.

I agrée that the way the school dealt with it is ok.

However, if that child has had your dc in tears regularly, then this ALSO needs to be addressed. And that means you having a word with the teacher about it.
Telling your dc to not play with that child (whether it’s You or the teacher) isn’t good enough.

Spoke to your daughter alone? Who on earth did you expect them to call? Teachers are allowed to speak to children on their own.

You are being ridiculous to expect 2 children to never speak or play with each other again. Would you be OK for your child to be excluded from a game ? Judging by the fact teachers can't even speak to your child I'm guessing you wouldn't be happy with this.

You need to show your child what it means to make a mistake and move on with your life. Not to hold grudges about things they will have forgotten about by Monday.

Oh and FYI teachers are busy teaching. They certainly aren't going to be able to police whether this child has "any kind of contact" with your child ever again.

I think you need to cool off about this over the weekend and gain some perspective.

Wow what a lovely passive aggressive comment that was. I pray for your own children.

Op, you sound quite unhinged.

You’ve obviously built this up massively in your head. You need to talk yourself down

Agree with this BUT also understand you feel shocked and may be embarrassed that your child has behaved badly. It will all fade so just make sure you don't escalate further. Your daughter said something unkind was told off...it's fine, it happens and won't affect her or you. Just back the teachers for their action and it will go away.

Teachers are allowed to talk to children and going to Head is seen as a deterrent. It isn't like a police under caution where appropriate adult needs to be involved.

Trust me, you'll forget about this in a few years but your daughter will have learned a lesson

I’d take a step back op. You are coming across as quite odd here.