When your best friend's kid is mean to yours

[JessEss]

My best friend and I both have kids and our eldest daughters usually get along really well. My daughter (3) absolutely adores my friend's daughter who is 4 but lately, she has been treating my daughter terribly. Any time they see each other (which 2-3 times a week) her daughter runs away from mine, hisses at her, ignores her and lately has started being physically aggressive and tries to kick her.

This understandably absolutely devastates my daughter. Yesterday she was weeping in the car, not understanding why her friend was being so mean and it was so difficult to explain to her why she would do this. It is heartbreaking to watch and is triggering for me as it brings back memories of being left out and bullied as a kid.

I am torn about what to do and wondering if I am overreacting. I get that they are just kids and their moods and favouritism fluctuate. My best friend has just had a newborn so with three kids in tow I understand that she has a lot on her plate and I'm not overly keen to bring this up and add to her load but sometimes I think she sees her daughter's behaviour and does nothing about it, which irritates me.

As best friends we spend a lot of time together but now there is a big part of me that is cautious and hesitant to accept future invitations to play or events because I can't stand seeing my daughter upset again.

Has anyone else had this situation with a friend?

If the children aren't getting on, have a break from them seeing each other. Her DD is probably acting out something about the new baby
It will likely pass

Try to see your friend without the kids involved, give them a break from each other and politely swerve any social events with both families for a while.

Hissing?

Why are you torn over this? It isn't healthy for your DD, stop meeting up with your children for a few months and see if things improve.

I am torn because I don't know whether or not to bring this up with my best friend. I am trying to gauge whether or not this is a problem that warrants a chat or if I need to let it slide for now.

Does your best friend not say anything when she is mean to her?

No, she says nothing, just watches. I have had to step in several times to stop her daughter from hitting or kicking mine. I would have thought that by physically intervening she would then be prompted to do or say something but she doesn't which is really frustrating.

Yes, I get that I probably should be mentioning something to her but as noted in my OP she's got a lot on her plate at the moment and I'm not keen to add more to it.

Guess it's best for a bit of time out for the two of them.

I'd definitely be taking a step back from the play dates if she's not intervening when your DC is being hit/kicked

The behaviour is one thing, but it's the parent not intervening that's the issue. My 4 year old is difficult and there are behavioural problems there (and I'm worried about him losing friends over it actually), but I'm always mortified if he's not well behaved with his friends, and absolute intervene.

Just keep them apart for a bit - if you need to, say "they don't seem to be getting on so well right now so let's do something without kids".

Your relationship with your friend is the important one, she's your best friend. Your children are friends because of this relationship.

In the long term, your dd will make her own friends when she starts school and other activities.

So think about how you can see your friend and preserve your relationship with her without sacrificing your dd in the meantime.

As for talking about it if your friend asks you if you and your dd want to do such and such I'd say 'no, Jane didn't enjoy herself on Tuesday because Lucy kept running away from her and tried to kick her'.

When my dd was a similar age I had a friend with a dd the same age who used to drop out of things at the last minute. I was strapping dd into the car seat to go to the zoo and she called and cancelled. That was the last time I arranged to do anything with our children. I kept seeing her as adult friends.

It's likely that the four year old will stop this behaviour at some point but that's not something you can wait for whilst putting your own child in a position she shouldn't be in.

Hi JessEss,

Can I ask what you did in the end about this? How did it go etc? I’m in this situation now and it’s really really painful and upsetting - especially seeing my child have to “take it”