Teen being bullied but doesn’t want me to speak to school. What to do?

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Hi all,

looking for some words of wisdom if anyone has any…?

My 14 year old daughter started a new school last year in 2nd year and has not settled well. Pretty soon after she started refusing to go to school but wouldn’t give any reason other than she hated school and wanted to go back to her old school. She’s had a number of days off, refusing to go without any reason other than she hates school, but things seemed to be improving recently. I had the feeling she was having trouble of sorts but she wouldn’t give any details. Today after another absent day she opened up to me and said that some boys were bullying her and she was scared to go in. Just after she started, when she didn’t know anyone a boy pushed her down the stairs and everyone laughed. From what I gather there has been some verbal stuff since, but sometimes they are ok with her, but last week she was purposely tripped up during athletics and grass thrown at her when she was on the ground. She also had a birthday party recently and invited a number of boys who ripped up the invitations in front of her (not sure if the main perpetrators or friends of). It’s great that she’s finally opened up, and I think I got through to her saying she can to talk to us and we are only there to help her, the problem is she is dead against speaking to the school as feels it will make things worse. I’ve promised I won’t do anything without her agreement first but I feel completely powerless. How can I persuade her that speaking to the school is the best way forward? Or is there anything else I can/should do? I don’t want to break her trust but pulling my hair out as desperately want to help her. Any advice appreciated.

Thanks,

Ted

Your poor dd. Tell the school, but tell your dd you're doing it first. Things obviously can't continue as they are and it's not an issue she can solve on her own.

First thing to do is look at your schools policy re. bullying. If it’s not openly available - then ask for it. Secondly the school can do absolutely nothing if they don’t know about it and it’s too big a situation for your 14 year old to handle alone. The reason she doesn’t want you to get involved is she is scared it will get worse. Which is why you have to start down this path initially without mentioning names.

You absolutely have to tell the school. Kids will always insist that it will “make everything worse” but it won’t. You have to be the grownup here.

I’d think about changing your tactic a little and tell her that while you very much want her agreement because you value her opinion, ultimately you are the adult and you will do what you know to be best. It takes the responsibility away from her and hopefully rather than leading her not to trust you, it will help her learn that she can always turn to you and and you will fight for the best for her.

Having worked in schools I know that you can speak to the school without her knowing about it. This is definitely what you should do.