I think my 5yo is getting bullied, husband thinks I’m overreacting

[Ihzm48]

Sorry this is long!

My ds is generally quiet but can get on easily with other kids, even those older than him. He’s been best friends with one boy since the start of school. Over the last few weeks he’s been saying this friend has been taking his snacks during break time. During lunch, he’ll tell ds to get off the pitch (unfortunately ds isn’t the best at football) and that he is dumb and ugly. But in class and during play dates they get on fine. Ds adores him.

On a few other occasions, ds has said a few older boys have come and said mean things to him too. Today he came home with a bloody lip because one of these older kids pushed him into a fence (ds had been playing alone as no one wanted to play with him, which broke my heart straightaway).

When talking to my OH I said I wanted to speak to the teachers asap. As well as his best friends mum. He agreed but then went on to say, kids will be kids and boys will be boys. There won’t be much they can do to stop these things from happening. He then went on to say we should be teaching our son to remove himself from the situation and not play on the pitch (which is not only for football, it’s quite large and many other kids play on it). But when speaking to my son he seemed upset by this, as he loves playing there. My OH also suggested giving extra snacks so he could give them to the friend and he would still have some himself. I got quite annoyed at this and probably got more heated than I should have. He finished by saying we’re not even sure what the full story is about any of these situations, that our son is 5 and is probably saying or doing something as well.

Could I just be over reacting to this and it’s not actually bullying? My OH keeps trying to tell me these things happen but it breaks my heart. Esp when he said he was called ugly. I wanted to cry.

Im also a bit worried about speaking with his friends mum. She’s lovely but I’m scared it might ruin his friendship even more and he’d lose the friend he enjoys being with the most (outside of break and lunch). Any tips on how to approach it without seeming like it’s an attack on their child?

Sorry this is happening. Definitely talk to the teacher first and see what they say. Are there other children he could be friends with too? Perhaps try and encourage this?

I’d talk to the teacher not the mum. A 5 year old’s description of what’s happening is unlikely to be a full picture. It may well feel it to them, but it could be that he played alone for a few minutes but was playing with others the entire rest of the break. The few minutes alone become massive in their head.

If it’s happening at school, talk to teacher rather than other mum. Teachers can get a sense of what’s going on and they can ask playground team to keep an eye too. Sorry you’re going through it

I’d talk to the teacher - we had this with DS in reception as well (playing with his reflection”, called a baby by a girl on his table, and getting pushed about by older kids in ASC). Teacher was able to reassure us he actually had loads of friends and was included at lunchtime, and that the issue was DS only wanting to play one game (dinosaurs) and his friends getting bored of that and starting a new game. Which honestly sounded exactly like DS.

Totally different this year, so many friends, lead part in his year group play, working at greater depth, in the (KS1, non-competitive) football team, etc. Flying.

You have my sympathies, OP. We’ve had similar issues with our five year old DD and her ‘best friend,’ from nursery who then ended up being in her reception class.

She’s a bit of a mean girl by the looks of things, comments like “you can’t play with us today,” and DD is so oblivious to things she really genuinely doesn’t understand why one day they are friends and the next they aren’t. It’s given her major anxiety and she has even asked to change class. It’s upsetting and she has said similar to your son, the children run away from
her, call her names and she is on her own :(

I spoke to the teacher after new year when Dd went back for one day and came home in tears. Teacher was fantastic, I cannot fault her response, even phoning me on her break times to update me on how Dd is getting on (she framed it as a new year change of seating for the whole class but moved my Dd to another table away from the ‘mean’ girl). Tellingly, when I said “But they’ve been best friends since nursery!” she said “I’ve never seen anything in their interactions to suggest they are friends.” My friend who is a teacher said that’s her way of saying this girl isn’t being nice to my DD without explicitly saying it.

You really don’t expect it to start this early, they are so young still! But unfortunately kids are cruel, and I would honestly say don’t leave it but contact the teacher, and don’t speak to the parents, even if they seem to react well ultimately they most likely won’t take a criticism of their child well (even said tactfully they will probably end up interpreting it as that) and it could make life harder for your son if there are tensions between the parents too.