Backlash over DD8 going to independent school

[Bearsloth]

DD8 has changed schools to an independent school but has still kept in touch with close pals from old school. She attended two parties - including one sleepover - and has come back upset.

I total get that this is a one sided view by the way and I will not have the full story!

Her ‘best’ pal was excluding her and kept reminding everyone that DD was now at a ‘posh’ ‘fancy’ school.

DD pointed out repeatedly that it wasn’t fancy (it’s a great school but really unpretentious).

Her friends kept asking her which school was better and DD replied they were equal.

DD also had a near miss on public transport involving a door and best pal laughed by saying ‘you could have died’ and everyone else laughed. DD said she played along but cried tonight about it.

I fully get that she’s over tired and I’m getting one side of the story. However she has asked not to go to other parties with them.

I have tried to teach DD to be modest, not to show off and to be aware she is lucky but it doesn’t make her ‘better’ than anyone else.

I don’t want to give feedback to any of the parents as it’s awkward and I have just one side. Am I being unreasonable not to give up on the friendships (they were all reasonably nice girls before!) or is this inevitable?

DS has kept his best friends after he switched schools and has never encountered any hostility over changing to an independent school.

Is this just the way it is with girls? Should I just let this slide and keep encouraging her to stay in touch and organise playdates or do we allow things to drift and concentrate on new school pals?

Hardly bullying, even with the one sided version you've given.

From the friends pov, she has chosen to leave them.

They are naturally curious as to what it is like.
From what you have written - that is - a perfectly normal and natural conversation to have with a friend who has moved on somewhere else.
There must be differences, as you wouldn't have moved her otherwise, so it seems silly to pretend there is no difference.
I don't think it is a 'girls' thing, but it is normal and natural for friendships to change when a group of you are still wherever the friendship group is from and one moves elsewhere - that's the same with adults / colleagues / team mates / university pals etc. Lots of friendships are 'of a time'.
So yes, if you want to invite friends over, invite her friends from her new school, unless she particularly asks if {insert name of friend} can come over.

In my experience the friendships from her old school are likely to slide anyway. Given this experience, maybe it will happen sooner rather than later.

DD moved to private at 11 and did find a bit similarly from one of her primary friends in particular (a girl who was similarly bright as DD and would probably have passed the entrance exam too but whose parents couldn't afford it/choose not to consider it) She leaned to deal with it but I have to set by being quite negative about the private school at times (basically agreeing with them that it was full of posh kids) Some friendships seemed easier that others to maintain, especially those with boys (DD has always had an many boys as girls as friends) who don't seem as judgemental for some reason It's nice if they can keep some old friendships up I think, keeps them grounded, and especially if their private school friends aren't so local

It’s just hard when they move school - DS moved from one private prep school to the junior department of an all through private school. Very competitive entry and many of his friends missed out. He and I found it hard to keep up the friendships (he with the boys and me with their parents) despite our best efforts.

Dunno @UsingChangeofName . I think I’m pretty stoic but the definition of bullying has changed since our youth I think. The bar is no longer about flushing someone’s head down the toilet. It would now include - I suspect - excluding someone and mocking them when they have a near miss on a bus that could have left them injured or stranded.

Reasons for changing schools is this is a through to 18 school and it has an amazing music department and actual grass on the school grounds. Both DCs have pals from very diverse social backgrounds. DH and I are lucky to have good jobs despite coming from abroad with nothing. This coupled with never succumbing to lifestyle inflation has meant we can - for now - change schools without having the even bigger expense of moving areas to a good state catchment for secondary.