My daughter is being bullied again

[leosugar]

I'm worried about my daughter. She is just about to sit her A levels.
Over the last several months she has become more and more isolated by her friends. She became friends with someone about 18 month's ago and they got on really well. Then about 9 months later they became friends with some others at her school and since then the girl had less and less time for her making up excuses for not being able to see her and not answering her messages. Things got worse the last month or so with them using racially unacceptable language (my daughter is mixed race) and when she asked them to stop they would ignore her and just use it more and tell her she couldn't be mixed race as she is to white. And with the weather getting warmer she is still wearing big jumpers qnd when asked why she told me she doesn't want to tan and she gets a lot darker than the rest of them.
She has since been made to feel unwelcome in the group of friends. On Sunday she sent them all a message telling them how they made her feel, 2 of them got back to her to say sorry but they were not involved in what had been happeningto her. I struggled to get her to go to school on Monday, I hoped that at least some of them would say sorry and mean it. Not one if them did, not even the one who that was supposed to have been her best friend, and not one of them spoke to her.
She is now regretting her decision and wished she had waited until after the exams as she lonely. I have tried to reassure her she did the right thing but it hard watching your 18 year old cry herself to sleep ever night.
I am especially worried as she has a history of cutting herself after this happened before when she was about 12 and is refusing to see a counsellor again.
I am trying to keep her going by telling her that she will soon be finished at that school and to stay true to herself and will be of to university where it will be more culturally diverse. We live in a very prominently white area.

So sorry to hear this. It must be very distressing for her and you.
It sounds like she would be better off just doing her own thing for now, getting A levels out of the way and keeping away from them all.
Better to have no friends than mean ones.

Thank you for your reply.
She has been trying to avoid them. Things got worse on Wednesday when one of the older lads in the group came home from university and threatened her. It took some convincing to stop my husband from going after him. She doesn't want to report it to the police but she has reported the racism to school. They are going to talk to people involved but can't do anything about those who left school last year except if they are seen on the school grounds ask them to leave.
My husband or I have taken to driving her to and from school.
She has had to come of social media because of this but luckily for her a couple of other girls from her school, girls she didn't know very well have been supporting her at school.

Your post was a hard read 💔
I'm so sorry this is happening to your DD.
You've absolutely done the right thing reporting it to the school, however I would go a step further and report to the police.
If your DD has had to come off SM I assume they are sending nasty messages?
Definitely report to the police.
As for the boy threatening her, again report to the police, no one is allowed to threaten your DD.
My DD had similar when she was at school and the school advised me to report it to the police, the police were absolutely fabulous, went to the girls homes, spoke to them and their parents, it was like a short sharp shock, it stopped them.
I feel for you OP and your DD, be proactive, my DD didn't want me to go to the school or ring the police as she thought it would make it worse but she was glad / relieved that I stepped in and took it very seriously and took it out of her hands.
Give us an update, I'll be thinking of you both 💐

How terribly hard for her. When I was 18 I was put in a psychiatric hospital as I was very poorly (bipolar). A lot of my so called friends never spoke to me again. I remember my Mum strongly saying to me. Those people were never your real friends, you will find your real friends soon. By 20 I had had gone to uni and "found my people" who 30 years on I still am friends with. Try and make her see that this is a shit bit but will get better. She doesn't want to be friends with small minded racist bastards and if she picks uni well (any big city) she will not come across this vileness (hopefully).
I really feel for her and am sending her my thoughts. I always tell my teens that these are not "the best days of their lives" but those days are to come.

@leosugar

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this especially when she is about to sit her exams. Also good that she has support from other students.

one of the older lads in the group came home from university and threatened her absolutely report this to the police especially if there is a race element to it as well but even if it is just a threat. Your husband should not go after a 19 year old, he will never come out looking good whatever happens. You have to take the higher ground. The police will have far more weight.

Your daughter's fear is if she reports it to the police then it will escalate however the opposite is usually true. If there are no repercussions to the uni student's behaviour it gives them a green light to continue. If it does escalate then you can report that to the police and they should escalate their response.

And yes, university should be much more multi-cultural given that there are people from all over the world who attend UK universities. My eldest son is at university.

Hi
And thank you.
My daughter's just very hurt and we keep telling her they weren't friends if they could do that to her but she feels she must have done something for them to turn on her. Her form tutor whom she went to at school was excellent with her and reaffirmed what we had been telling her, she wasn't at fault the fault is with them.
With my husband it was just a gut reaction and he won't do anything to the lad he's knows it's wrong.
We are taking not at her pace about going to the police but whatever she decides, although I agree going to the police is the best option, she has our full support.
The university she is going too has a good reputation for not allowing this behaviour and it is mainly done via peer pressure from other students in a safe calm manner.
Her sister is also at this university and is really enjoying her time there and although they are going to be in different years and studying different subjects her sister has promised to help her find her feet.

This is so awful to read op? I hope she has a better day today. It won't be long until she can stop seeing these awful people. I agree getting her to speak to the police and so keep the school informed about what's happening.

This is bad. My ds1 is sitting his A'levels starting next week. I know this is all hurtful but you need to tell her to try and stop thinking about her friends and just focus on her exams at the moment. She just needs to concentrate on getting the grades to get to university or wherever she wants to go and then she'll meet loads of new friends and new people and this won't be a problem at all.

Persuade her to see the counsellor immediately, set an appointment up ASAP.

Email the school, ask for the head of year to phone you back today. because it is bullying and it needs to be reported and it's totally unacceptable.

However her schooling is now over, presumably she's practically on study leave and won't need to go back, other than to pop in to collect her results, so friendships don't really matter anymore, she has bigger priorities to concentrate on.

Her general mental health and the fact that she's cut before is a bigger issue.

That is horrible for your d/d,
all she can do is focus on September and a fresh start away from these bullies. Can you and she plan a great summer including the girls that are friendly. plan some trips and events for her and them, and some family events too ( if she is not too cool to go with her family at 18!)
Can she not takes study leave and just go in for her exams?
Remind her that this too shall pass but the exam results will stay so to just focus exclusively on her studies, and to look forward to July....

Thank you for all your kind and supportive messages.
My daughter is just keeping her head down and trying not to let things get to her too much. We managed to get her an appointment to see the psychologist she saw a few years ago next week. Maybe after that she will feel strong enough to go to the police but we are doing things at her speed.
As for social media she came off because the comments were not very nice and she took screen shots of all of them before coming off.
After the next week she only has to go into exams so that should help.
So good to hear from others and things do get better.