I’ve created a new profile for this post as it covers some sensitive topics and I want to remain anonymous . Hope that’s ok.
My daughter is 12. She’s dyslexic and moved to an independent school in Y4 as her confidence plummeted in her state primary. The independent prep was brilliant. She gained massively in confidence and thrived there. She moved up to the attached high school in September. Since this time her confidence has really dropped. Her self-esteem is in her boots. There are great facilities at the school but she doesn’t have the confidence to access them. She did initially but this then dropped off. Two weeks ago it came to light that her original friendship group of her and two other girls has fallen out. One of her friends has started hanging out with a group of girls who have been pretty mean to DD. DD came out as gay to her two closest friends. The other girls find her “weird and awkward” in her words. They won’t engage in conversation with her, roll their eyes when she talks and talk about her behind her back. One has called her an “ ugly lesbian” (not that it matters either way but she is stunningly beautiful !) and fat ( she is incredibly tall and slim). She’s made comments about what she eats and how she’ll get too fat. This lead to noticeable food restriction from my daughter around Christmas, where she would only eat two small mouthfuls of dinner every night. The other friend has found two other friends and then totally blanked my daughter and removed her from all of their shared social chat groups. A month ago we were in a really shopping centre and Dd had a massive panic attack saying that everyone was judging her and thinking she was awkward and ugly and then two weeks ago I noticed scratches on her upper thigh. Although pretty minor these were obviously self-inflicted. I asked her about them and she broke down and said she’d done them herself, and everything came out about the friendship groups, that she no longer has any friends and has been locking herself in the toilet at break and lunch. She was completely and utterly broken. She says that anyone who is LGBTQ isn’t accepted at her school and that it’s not ok to be the way she is there.
I approached the school about all of the above asking for support. It supposedly has second to none pastoral care. Her Head of Year has spoken to her briefly and her form tutor has said they will open the classroom for her to hide in there rather than the toilet at lunchtime. They’ve said they don’t want to escalate the issues with the other girls or to discuss them with them at the moment as they believe it will all sort itself out after Easter. They’ve encouraged her to “ make more of an effort” and make up with her original friends. The trouble is that being with her original friends exposes her to what appears to be some pretty toxic, unhealthy relationships. There has been no support for the self harming or any mention of her concerns around her sexual identity and her peer groups response to this or her eating issues. To be fair the later has improved significantly since we picked up on it at Christmas.
I feel so incredibly let down by this response. Am I expecting too much?
I’ve looked online for tips to support her through all of this but really feel that school should be handling this better and offering more support. I haven’t been critical or bolshy with them at all and tried to communicate with them in a really balanced way and work with them. She is a really bright, funny , creative and beautiful kid and it breaks me to see her so broken by all of this. We are also paying £15,000 a year for her to lock herself in a toilet and self-harm. It feels like it is damaging to send her in everyday and I’m seriously considering pulling her out and waiting for another school. I’m wondering if she would fit in better in a local state school which has outstanding pastoral care, and whether she would be more likely to find a social group she clicks with here. The issue would be larger class sizes which might be detrimental when it comes to her dyslexia. Any advice or words of wisdom would be really appreciated. Thanks x