How can I support my child to stand up for himself over this bullying?

[Trisket]

I know that similar threads have been raised on this issue, where posters have suggested that the OP take it up with the school, but, without at all blaming my own child, I am looking for a different angle.

DS is a very gentle, academic type of child, who prefers the company of girls rather than boys, who mostly play football together. A new boy joined the school last year, who arrived with 'form' for negative behaviour towards other kids. Within weeks he'd mobilised other kids to kick another child who just happened to be passing by at play time. School took action and dealt with the matter very promptly.

The said boy now appears to moved on to my child. Lots of seemingly small things - hostile comments and malicious laughter, eg when DS fell over. I took a particular situation up with his teacher last term, who dealt with it very promptly. However, this boy seems to have started again and when he does, his mates join in with laughter. DS feels singled out. I know that school ran some anti-bullying sessions with the children last term, but clearly none of these kids got the point. Again, I have contacted teacher, who is very good.

I think we all know what makes a bully, but, without blaming either him or ourselves, I'm very afraid that my child makes a good 'victim': gentle, preferring the company of gentle girls, and not the least interested in football. So I'm afraid that, even if things can be turned around with the child who is bugging him right now, it seems likely that he will encounter other people like this in the future - school, college and workplace.

So I feel that even changing school won't completely solve this for my child. What can I do to help him? I've tried telling him that this boy is unimportant to him and that he should stay close to his friends, but I know he can't always be with them. For the record, we have tried martial arts, but DS felt it wasn't for him.

How do you no that child doesnt have a disability that is making him behavior in aggressive way. ? Only thing u can do is keep.on at the school and ask where the supervisors are ?is this in the playground ?? X

Or.maybe have a word with the child's mum or dad maybe they are unaware of what their child is doing

@Conspiracyornotr

How do you no that child doesnt have a disability that is making him behavior in aggressive way. ? Only thing u can do is keep.on at the school and ask where the supervisors are ?is this in the playground ?? X

Doesn’t matter to the OP if the child concerned has a disability. The behaviour is unacceptable. The question to ask of the school is “ What are you doing to keep my child safe?” Sounds like the school is receptive though. Keep at them and make sure your child has other supportive friendships/ environments to help them cope.

What do u mean it doesn't matter if they have a disability that's a disgrace!!!! You should he ashamed of your self so you would go around slating people with disability that don't understand some stuff your horrible person and hope your child never is a suffer from child disabilities!!!!!

And.no I'm not saying that a child with disabilities should be aloud but in some cases children do not understand what is right and wrong and need to learn the new behaviour. I would go to the school and tell them your issues

I think what the previous poster is saying is that whether the bully has a disability or not doesn't change anything for the OPs child.
OP has asked what she can do to support her child. This isn't about the bully and any issues he may or may not have.
That your child has friends and a supportive teacher is great OP. I think making it clear to your child that there is nothing "wrong" with them. Don't ask your child to change or be someone they are not.

You need to support your child and help build their self-confidence.

There is nothing wrong with being a gentle soul as long as you don't let other people walk over you and he is unlikely to do that if he feels accepted and valued by you...

The problem is with the bully and the school. Speak to the school and make it clear you won't stand for any bullying of your child.

As for the poster who mention disability, it is not up to the OP to make allowances for or 'diagnose' someone with a disability...Again it is the duty of the school to assess any special needs this child might have and put in place some support for them. But that should never excuse or justify any bullying behaviour.

I disagree with your approach I'm afraid OP. I think you risk sending your child the message that he is responsible for the bullying, and that he needs to change his personality to avoid being a target. He can't do that, and nor should he have to.

My experience with schools and bullying is that you have to be assertive and persistent in holding the school to account. They have a duty of care to keep your child safe in school. Familiarise yourself with the school's bullying, safeguarding and complaints policies, request an in-person meeting with the Head and the class teacher (make notes both before and during) and insist on an action plan. Keep copies of all correspondence you have with the school and make it clear that you are not going to go away until the bullying is stopped.

Don't teach your child that there is something wrong with being a gentle, academic person who doesn't like football. He isn't a "bully magnet" and he isn't responsible for the poor behaviour of others. He has as much right to be safe and happy as anyone else, and it's for the adults around him to do their jobs and make it happen.

How old is your son? I was once taught to just calmly state what the other person is doing, eg “you’re saying that because you want to upset me”. It really takes the wind out of people. Might not be appropriate if he’s too young though.

Having friends and being very confident seem to be the best way to prevent bullies affecting you too much. He can’t stop the bullying - and even if you could magically transform him into a boy who loves football etc it probably wouldn’t work as this boy needs a target it seems - but he can change his reaction to it. That’s the lesson he can take into adult life. He can be open with you and his teacher about what the bully is doing, he can ignore the laughing etc and be “too busy” having fun with his friends, he can have some smart comebacks if things get verbal.

Sorry OP but I think you need to tweak how you feel about this as well. There’s a slight feeling of disappointment in your post that your son is only friends with “gentle girls” (whoever they are ) - look at it this way, he clearly has several really good friends. I bet they back him up and cheer him up against any bully. A gentle, academic boy who gets on well with girls likely to be a favourite with other students and teachers (and colleagues) in future. Just grow his confidence.

@Conspiracyornotr

What do u mean it doesn't matter if they have a disability that's a disgrace!!!! You should he ashamed of your self so you would go around slating people with disability that don't understand some stuff your horrible person and hope your child never is a suffer from child disabilities!!!!!

Oh for god sake don't be so hysterical! It not in any way ever the OP's responsibility to make sure the child bullying hers doesn't have a disability! Also f.y.i. plenty of kids have the 'disabilities' you're talking of and don't bully others! Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour, however you want to label it. The school have a responsibility to address these issues and help both involved.

I agree with sadpapercourtesan OP. Your child shouldn't and mustn't change to suit a bully. Keep addressing it with the school, every single time. They have to act on this.
Your son sounds like a lovely boy! Just to add as well, just because he's facing this at school now doesn't mean it's going to happen at college or in a workplace. There are more people like your son than you probably realise.

I’m sorry to hear your son is having a hard time.

Let’s imagine a friend goes to work in an office every day where people routinely name-call, single you out and gang up on you. The people you might like as friends are too scared to stand up for you and won’t befriend you because they might be bullied as well. It wouldn’t be acceptable, you’d likely tell your friend to get HR on side and their union if necessary. It wouldn’t be deemed something to ‘sort out’ alone. Especially as it wears down self esteem and it’s incredibly hard to carry on being assertive when you feel alone.

Your son is perfectly acceptable as a gentle non-sporty soul. What is not acceptable is that another child or children takes out their frustration on him. If behaviour would not be acceptable in an adult workplace, it should not be acceptable at school. He needs to know his parents value him for who he is and that they will help him. (It isn’t doing the bully any favours either to let them continue.) Bullying really damages self esteem. Yes, by all means support your son in developing healthy boundaries and assertiveness, but do remember he’s outnumbered and a child. He needs to know teachers and other adults will step in and manage the situation when required. Were this a dispute with a friend, I’d say yes, step back, encourage him to find his own way through. But this is a situation with a large power imbalance in it.

What do u mean it doesn't matter if they have a disability that's a disgrace!!!! You should he ashamed of your self so you would go around slating people with disability that don't understand some stuff your horrible person and hope your child never is a suffer from child disabilities!!!!!
I think you have misunderstood the poster who referred to disabilities.

@TooMuchPaper

What do u mean it doesn't matter if they have a disability that's a disgrace!!!! You should he ashamed of your self so you would go around slating people with disability that don't understand some stuff your horrible person and hope your child never is a suffer from child disabilities!!!!! I think you have misunderstood the poster who referred to disabilities.

This. It's irrelevant if the child has disabilities. The child is being a bully, and having a disability isn't an excuse for that kind of behaviour. The OP also doesn't need to consider if this child has one as her son is affected and that's her priority.

@Conspiracyornotr I think you have your own agenda here and are completely projecting your own narrative onto the OP's situation.

OP your child can't be someone else, it sounds like he is a sensitive soul and likes what he likes. Not reacting to nastiness and keeping his head down sound like they are going to be more natural to him and why should he change - besides reacting can often encourage bullies and make things worse, when you don't react they often get bored. I would just keep encouraging him to stay with his friends, to tell you any issues and you keep supporting him and working with the school.

You could explain to him that people who bully are not happy people and are trying to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. Don't forget he's not making himself a victim, there's nothing wrong with him, be clear to him that the problem is entirely with the bully.

OP my son is very similar to yours. I had to keep on at the school - email don't call - telephone calls result in nice chats, sympathetic words....but not always followed up and no record of the conversation. I was advised to email everything and that's when action was taken. DS was given one to one counselling sessions, bullies ( yes, let's say it as it is) were spoken to, in one case parents were contacted (good). He is still getting comments now and then, but we have talked about odd mean comments as opposed to a constant stream of abuse day in and day out. I made the mistake of trying to get DS to toughen up, but as previous posters have said, he should be able to be who he is - and I have now told him I wouldn't change him for the world. But it's very hard to hear your child saying they ' just get though the day until it's home time. He doesn't want to move schools as feel it will be the same. Sorry if this offends, but some kids are just little shits - schools need to have more control in dealing with bullying, there is far too much accommodating bullies! OP, keep on at the school, they are responsible for both his safety and mental health/well being. Email, email, email...I now have a lovely year team member who looks out for DS and always gets back to me which is reassuring. Good luck x

And keep telling your DS that things change, there will other kids like him - hopefully things will settle down. The school told DS that kids want to be in a group, to be accepted, to not be 'different' and sometimes this means joining a group that is mean rather than be alone. And as said before, some are just mean. I never want DS to feel there is no way out - we can do something : change class, change school, keep speaking to school - I am following his lead, unless things get out of hand and I need to step in. Ive been told the government has poured money in to kids mental health, so schools should be geared up to support kids like your DS and my DS. One last thing- you could look at Champs Academy, it's expensive and I could only afford a few sessions but DS found it really helpful.

Do you know the parents of any of the other children joining in? It's possible to cope with one kid picking on you but when you feel the whole class is ganging up it is confidence shattering. I'd get in touch with some other parents and ask them to chat to their DC, explain how even them giggling or jeering is a really cruel form of bullying.

I know my brother who is the gentlest person in the world, got accused of bullying and was so upset. He just didn't realise the impact that joining in the laughter had on the person being picked on, and he cut it out after that.

I hate to say this because no one wants to hear it, but after three years of being picked on, my DS1 finally punched the bully. The adult witness just said, 'He had it coming' and DS was never picked on again. It's so not fashionable to admit this but it is the quick solution.

@Conspiracyornotr

Disability or not the kids shouldn’t be bullying other kids and ruining their self confidence and experience of school.

@Conspiracyornotr

Sorry what?! Does that make it ok? My Son had years and years of violent behaviour from a kid with autism. On reflection I should never have brushed it off on the first occasion or the tenth occasion because on about the 20th he scarred my Son for life.

Keep on at the school.

In my direct experience you have to try and work “with” them though - don’t go in all guns blazing, calmly state what’s going on, that they have a responsibility to keep your child safe and how are you going to achieve that together?

I ended up with a direct line of contact to the HT, I could phone anytime and I did - I reported absolutely everything. But crucially, I tried to keep it dispassionate - so I would be simply saying ‘x said this, y was involved and my child has come home in tears.’ Makes it less easy for them to accuse you of blowing it out of proportion if you can keep calm. But I reported every incident because although a lot of it was low level, it was constant. Plus, paper trail!

@gingerhills
"I hate to say this because no one wants to hear it, but after three years of being picked on, my DS1 finally punched the bully. "
I 100% agree with this. I sent DS to self defence classes, even the teacher there said 'the schools will tell you not to do it, but I am telling you that if you haven't started a fight, if you're being bullied and there's no way out you have to fight back and then hopefully they will back off' I have told DS we are right behind him if he feels he can do this, however that is not in his nature so I can't see it happening. He knows i went through it at school and it only stopped when I eventually stuck up for myself. But it took a long time to get to that stage as I was very shy at school.

@190190tnt - as you say, the key things are, that our DC never start it and that no other action will stop it. In that case, they need to show they can and will defend themselves.

Hi, I’ve just found this thread and want to say thank you for the great advice.Just sent my quiet, lovely natured son to school and I’m sat panicking about the fact he was physically assaulted twice last week again. I too have tried to get him to toughen up out of a place of love and worry but am beginning to realise that actually that is just not him and instead I need to be so grateful that he is a growing up to be a lovely person that doesn’t have to belittle others to feel big. Thank you for starting this thread (although I’m sorry there are others going through the stress too) and for the reassurance.