Bullied DD- how to advise her/resilience building

[NoodlesPoodles]

My dd is 8 years old and in Year 4. Two years ago a girl in her class started being mean to her. It started off with nasty comments telling her she was a fat pig, or calling her an idiot. Then it escalated to this child pinching and scratching my dd. I spoke to her (then) teacher about the situation and the girl in question was spoken to. We then went into lockdown and I thought that would calm the situation. However, at the start of Year 3 it started up again with this girl bad mouthing my dd to all my DD’s friends and my dd came out of school crying at what this girl had said about her. I again went into school and spoke to her teacher who again spoke to this girl and it calmed down for a while. It’s a situation where everything will be ok for a number of weeks but then there will be repeated nasty words or incidences, before it calms down again.

Last month this girl got angry at my dd for wanting to play with a specific child and she ended up pinching my dd’s arm and scratching her face. The teacher told me that the girl had been punished accordingly.

This week my dd came home from school telling me that this girl has basically got other children to take sides against my dd, and that she’s preventing my dd from playing group games with the rest of her friends by saying they have too many people in the game and there is no room for anyone else…but when another child asks to play then this girl lets them. She also goes around their mutual friends whispering mean things about my dd. So all of a sudden it seems less about the nasty name calling and more about excluding my dd and influencing their mutual friends to “take sides” with this girl. I have never been told by any teacher that my dd has been mean to another child, and if anything I’m usually told that my dd always tries to include others who haven’t anyone to play/sit with, and is always kind to others. She isn’t an angel by any stretch of the imagination but she’s also not an unkind child so I honestly don’t think it 6 of one and half a dozen of another, and I’ve never once been told anything negative about my dd's behaviour by any of the teachers at the school.

I have spoken to her teacher again about the latest upsets and the teacher took it seriously so I’m leaving that side of things with her for now.

My dd has been surprisingly resilient to the situation so far, and has been taking it in her stride but making excuses for this other child’s behaviour. However, she is finding it increasingly frustrating and, for the first time, last night she openly voiced her dislike for this child and said that she wanted to hurt her back. I doubt she would ever do anything to hurt this girl, but it does show me how this situation is starting to get to her in that my completely non-violent dd is now thinking about hurting this other child.

So my question is, how do I keep her strong minded and resilient to this child’s behaviour? What do I say to her? What advice can I give her? I’m worrying that my advice will either sound too dramatic and further enflame their difficult “relationship”, or I’ll sound like I’m downplaying it and make it worse by making my dd think she has to be a pushover.

Have you spoken to the head?? This is awful and gone on far far too long! Whatever the teacher is doing is not working. I’d go straight to the head & make a fuss if they try to brush you off. Do you know the parents of the girl concerned? Surely they must be aware if it’s been an issue raised repeatedly over a long period of time.. what does the teacher suggest as a plan for moving forward? I’d absolutely go to the head and ask what they are going to do. Good luck & hugs for your dd xo

Another thought I had was I would consider requesting a meeting with both girls & also her parents and ask for an apology from the girl. It sounds like the other girl has either ignored the previous punishment received or hasn’t really received one, whilst your dd feels no one is publicly on her side. A public apology made infront of adults might shock the girl into realising how serious this is and that it cannot continue. I thought that might validate your dd too & help her understand she has done nothing wrong and help reinstall some confidence in herself. Xx

@sjxoxo

Have you spoken to the head?? This is awful and gone on far far too long! Whatever the teacher is doing is not working. I’d go straight to the head & make a fuss if they try to brush you off. Do you know the parents of the girl concerned? Surely they must be aware if it’s been an issue raised repeatedly over a long period of time.. what does the teacher suggest as a plan for moving forward? I’d absolutely go to the head and ask what they are going to do. Good luck & hugs for your dd xo

It's a complex one with this child because she has a difficult background and doesn't live with her parents. The person she does live with (who I don't know at all) struggles a lot with her. She is also very difficult in school- I've seen her screaming and shouting at teachers. Refusing to enter the classroom and practically dragged in. She is also horrible to any child that she sees as weak in some way. According to my dd, she regularly upsets an overweight child in their class, picks on another child who finds the work hard etc etc. Her behavioural problems are well known and the teachers have always been supportive when I've spoken to them and they deal with each instance. However, I suppose my DD's problems with this girl are a drop in the ocean when it comes to the everyday turmoil this child creates. It's just one in a long list of problems to deal with and I suppose the severity is being diluted amongst everything else. I feel sorry for this child because she's obviously very distressed by her past and finds it hard regulating her emotions, however, she can control them to an extent because she only picks on certain children, and I don't see why my dd should have a horrible, lonely school experience because of another child, no matter what their background.

This week was the first time I've approached this particular teacher about the issue so I will leave it with her before I escalate it to the headteacher. Tbh I think she's more likely to get the desired result than the headteacher who is one of those head's who doesn't believe bullying goes on in her school.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Take her to karate lessons. It will give her a lot more confidence.

Funnily enough, that was something we were thinking about. Thank you for the suggestion!

Can you role play the situations with her help her to work out how to reply if she’s left out?

she has a difficult background and doesn't live with her parents. The person she does live with (who I don't know at all) struggles a lot with her. She is also very difficult in school

To be blunt, you need to protect your dd, not worry about this other girl. It isn't about building 'resilience', it's you demanding that the school stop this girl bullying your dd. If it was one or two times, fair enough but you dd is in this girl's sights and she won't back off voluntarily.

I was your dd, the lack of action by my parents is still an issue of huge anger even to this day.

I would find another school for your DD. Getting away from the bully will do more for her resilience than her having to build resilience.
I speak from experience- my son was subjected to long term bullying. We tried everything to stop it. In the way the only way to protect him was to move him.

I'm going through similar at the moment and my 8 year old has been hurting herself as she cannot cope. I spoke to the head earlier in the year and am going in again tomorrow but they've already pulled my daughter in to ask her if she does the mean things to the child who has been bullying her for years = victim blaming! I think all you can do is be the voice your child needs. Make some noise, speak to the governors, MP, local press etc... schools are stretched and under funded and it damaging the ability to deal with bullying which is further contributing to the existing mental health crisis! I was quiet, I thought of the teacher's already challenging job and my child was left to the wolves. No more!

I agree with taking your daughter to karate to build confidence, but I think one of tge the best things your daughter can do, is to ignore the bully (when she can,) or tell her to "bore off," then walk away. Let her see she is not bothered by the targetted remarks etc (even if she is). The bully will soon realise she isn't getting a response and it will stop.

To be blunt, you need to protect your dd, not worry about this other girl. It isn't about building 'resilience', it's you demanding that the school stop this girl bullying your dd.

If the school was able to do this, and if the girl was able to control her own behaviour, they wouldn't be in this situation, would they?

There is something causing this behaviour, which could be something like "your DD is like her sister that she can't see" or "she's got a reaction in the past and the reaction is positive for her in some way" or "she's struggling with the noise/busyness of the classroom" or "she's really angry because her parents abused her which is why she can't live with them" and your DD is just getting in the way.

Take this seriously.

We had a very similar situation. My DD lost her resilience. She got really sad. She now has bad anxiety & struggles at school. Kids exclude her. Won't eat lunch with her. It has affected other areas of her life.

We're now about to change her schools. It's horrible.

I was your dd, the lack of action by my parents is still an issue of huge anger even to this day.

I agree with @AmieeCraig. I was also in a similar situation. It set the foundation for a lifetime of problems making friends and trusting my instincts. Please, please don’t ask you daughter to change her behaviour to protect herself or for any other reason. I really struggle, now I am a parent of children a similar age, to understand how my parents can have let what happened to me stand.

It doesn’t matter what this other girl‘s problems are it is NOT acceptable for her to take them out on your DD or anyone else.