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Bullying

Find advice from others who have experienced school or workplace bullying on our Bulllying forum.

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Original poster

School Bullying

19 replies

MidClrgs · 17/07/2021 22:24

Asking here because I might get a more empathic response than elsewhere. But happy to have this moved to another board if needed.

My gender non-conforming teenage daughter has been bullied for quite some time over the last few years at school. Cue a male and his female friends banging on the toilet doors when she is trying to hide from them at lunch. They tell her she looks like a rat, she sits like a boy, she should kill herself. We've raised this behaviour a few times and letters have been sent to parents twice. The problem
Is is that this has made it worse. CCTV caught this group running after her as she tried to escape the bathroom at one point so the teachers know she's not making this up.
She only has 3 days of school to go so 🤞 she'll settle over the break but she told me this weekend that the ring leader said to her that "I will never get in to trouble because I'm gay." Should I report him for saying that? Is this just a nasty boy picking on a girl who wants to have short hair and play sports? Or am I being homophobic?

OP posts:

Siblingquandary · 17/07/2021 22:28

Oh god, that sounds awful

Don't know what to suggest sorry, can only offer sympathies

Tibtom · 17/07/2021 22:29

Ask for a copy of the school's antibullying policy and ask the school what steps they are taking to follow it

Original poster

MidClrgs · 17/07/2021 22:31

For a bit more context; we are waiting on an assessment but it's likely she is on the Aspergers spectrum. Also a recovering anorexic and has asked me if I think she IS a boy because of what this boy has been saying to her. So I am worried for obvious reasons. Hunched shoulders, sports bras every day even when there is no school on. I want to come down like a tonne of bricks and tbf have this boy expelled because of the harm he's caused my daughter but he's untouchable.

OP posts:

Original poster

MidClrgs · 17/07/2021 22:35

@Tibtom

Ask for a copy of the school's antibullying policy and ask the school what steps they are taking to follow it

I've read it back to front. The loophole is that if my daughter reports anything it makes it worse because this boy is so popular amongst the girls. Hence her hiding in the toilets. This probably is the wrong board isn't it and I should have this moved.. I'm usually very much sex not gender here!

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2021 22:36

MidClrgs does your daughter want to stay at that school? To be honest if she does not want to stay, I would look into moving her.

I think what the boy said may be relevant because maybe in his mind this is true. But the school only have your daughter's word for it and he would most likely deny it.

"CCTV caught this group running after her as she tried to escape the bathroom at one point so the teachers know she's not making this up."

What have they done with the proof?

Not all schools have CCTV so how would the school have dealt with this if they did not have proof?

I'm so sorry, your poor dd.

Original poster

MidClrgs · 17/07/2021 22:39

@Italiangreyhound

MidClrgs does your daughter want to stay at that school? To be honest if she does not want to stay, I would look into moving her.

I think what the boy said may be relevant because maybe in his mind this is true. But the school only have your daughter's word for it and he would most likely deny it.

"CCTV caught this group running after her as she tried to escape the bathroom at one point so the teachers know she's not making this up."

What have they done with the proof?

Not all schools have CCTV so how would the school have dealt with this if they did not have proof?

I'm so sorry, your poor dd.

The CCTV was in the main hallway from reception I think, next to the safeguarding lead's office. On the back of that they sent letters home to the 4 kids involved. Regarding moving schools... there's not much option around me. Rough comp or private.

OP posts:

beenbotheringme · 17/07/2021 22:43

Your poor daughter. How old is your daughter? I would honestly be keeping my child home if she was on the receiving end of this. Mental health is so important. Aside from this bullying does she have any friends? She sounds like she has quite a lot going on so I would try and get as much help for that as possible.

kittenkipping · 17/07/2021 22:46

Can it get any rougher? What makes it rough? Area? Assumptions of class of children there? Ofsted reports? The reality is whatever the reputation/ report/ assumptions of the school she's in are- it's an awful unsupportive school that looks to be hiding the bullying culture by not reporting responding and addressing it. It's sadly not uncommon. Maybe visit the rough school. I'd not leave her where she is. The school won't protect her and whilst she's in their halls, you can't

seepingweeping · 17/07/2021 22:53

Go direct to the parents and tell them this stops now.

You can report them to the police for harassment and bullying.

Move her school/home school.

I would kick up fuck with the school and the parents.

Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2021 22:54

I hope things will go well. I think talk to her and let her explore other options if any exist. Being chased into the toilets sounds horrible. So sorry.

Beamur · 17/07/2021 23:16

Can you pull your DD out now and just do online teaching?
If the school really won't do anything, I would look at other options.

MingeofDeath · 18/07/2021 02:23

The ringleader being gay has naff all to do with him being a nasty little bully. Being gay is not a free pass for poor behaviour, it's like excusing cuntish behaviour because of having mental health problems.

Megasausagehead · 18/07/2021 02:37

That's outrageous!

Your poor DD.

Does she have a friendship group or anything to give her support? Obviously she has you, I mean her age group.

I had to move my DD for similar reasons, I moved her to an all girls school. Unfortunately that wasn't much better and she is now in a PRU and is awaiting her ASD diagnosis. She is a lot happier out of mainstream school and has stopped self harming as frequently.

It is so difficult as a parent, because we all want our children to be resilient, but to what extreme? Telling her to kill herself is too far imho. I would not let her attend that school for her own safety.

PinniGig · 18/07/2021 06:06

I'd have long since pulled her out of school. Wouldn't have her go in the last three days of term either.

TheSlayer · 18/07/2021 14:52

I couldn't not answer because that's almost exactly my school experience right down to the insults.
I had to ride it out. I had a mental health breakdown, unrelated because of having a baby with disabilities unexpectedly last year, and therapy brought a lot of this stuff back.
What I would say is that I was desperate to move schools. My parents didn't partly because of the 'rough' reputations of alternative provision and partly because having kids attending different a schools would have been more difficult logistically.

I think once a group gets hold of someone to bully it never goes away. Only the severity can change. Moving schools, or home school will be much better in the long run than waiting it out. I don't want to scare you but I have had such confidence problems as a direct result of teen bullying I don't have as good or well paid job as I should and I had some awful abusive relationships because I was prime for them.

Seriously if you can get her out of the situation do.

TheSlayer · 18/07/2021 15:08

Oh and I am a teacher and in my experience, very few schools have the power or resources to adequately deal with bullying.
And of the bully is academic, sporty and popularany schools don't want the will to either.

Megasausagehead · 18/07/2021 15:10

The question I had to ask myself, was if I don't look after her, who else will?

The school care about attendance figures, not individuals. That's your job.

Wavingwillowtree · 18/07/2021 15:13

Don’t think Most schools address bullying these days. If sending letters didn’t work I can’t see what will change...

I’d move her ASAP even if it meant driving her somewhere further afield each day.

Italiangreyhound · 18/07/2021 23:15

This could rally affect her. If she can go elsewhere, try it out, please. If that is what she wants.

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