Controlling friend

[Happyhours]

DD (10yrs) has a friend who I find very controlling. They are best friends and DD talks about her constantly. It’s 50% about how wonderful BF is and 50% how horrible she is. BF discourages DD from forming other friendships. She’s constantly hugging DD and pulling her close. If DD has a play date with someone else (rare as DD has few friends) BF begs that parent to be included. The play date then invokes BF taking over and DD being pushed out. It ends up in arguments then play date’s mum invites neither BF or DD again. If DD joins a club (to help with friendships and confidence) BF joins, convinces DD it’s boring, and both want to stop going. DD is very sensitive and cries easily. BF blatantly teases her to the point that she cries then tells her how annoying her crying is. This can be in front of us! BF is very undermining of any rules we have as a family and tells DD that they should break those rules (eg download things we’ve said are not age appropriate (again in front of us).

Up to now we’ve had play dates with BF as DD says they want these, with supervision We’ve also balanced these with setting up play dates with other kids who don’t undermine DD, and who seem to leave her happier. However DD is drawn back to this girl and other kids in the class tend to steer clear of both of them.

Last week we had the first play date at our house with BF since restrictions eased. It was constant DD crying and BF being out of order to DD and us. DP says she’s not coming in our house again! I feel the same but logically think helping DD form other friendships, whilst pointing out what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like, might work better than banning this child who they see in school anyway?

Or am I just facilitating a unhealthy relationship and a situation where DD is being controlled?

[farnworth]

My advice would be to really support your daughter-in-law this very unhealthy friendship - so crucially do not invite again a bully who deliberately ignores your wishes into your home which should always be your DD’s safe space. Explain to your DD why you are doing this.
Do not let her go to this girl’s house.
Invite other girls more frequently to your house on play dates. Are you able to talk to another mother and explain how you are trying to widen your daughter’s friendship group.
Get your DD to join other clubs or activities outside school that the girl doesn’t know about or might not be interested in or where numbers are very restricted! Maybe book things over the summer and don’t tell your DD about it until the actual day. Hopefully your DD doesn’t have a phone. Minimise contact or have zero contact outside school.
Try to think of activities which might help your DD become more resilient.
Speak to the school about the situation and ask if it is at all possible that the girls aren’t sat together or grouped together all the time.

[Kapsauss]

Agree with @farnworth
Distance your daughter from that child as much as you can.
It all sounds extremely unhealthy for your daughters mental health.

[CustardyCreams]

What an awful situation. It is exasperating when your dd is drawn to people who treat her badly.

I agree wholeheartedly with the first post. I’d also have a very careful series of conversations with dd about how a good friend should treat you. And how you treat them. And then ask if she recognises that playing with her bf often makes her unhappy, and help her understand that she doesn’t have to put up with bad friendship behaviour.

Do some scenarios with her, teaching her what to say. Eg “When she is unkind, you say ‘If you keep saying mean things, I’m not going to play with you.’ And then if she is still mean, you follow through and say, “I’m going to play somewhere else. I don’t want to be near you when you are like this.” And then you calmly walk away.’